12/10 Thursday

Dear G,
I've been dealing with family issues over the last month and it seems I haven't found anytime to write...I've missed that! I'm grateful that some how through all this I've stayed clean! Thank you for the opportunity to learn what I've had the chance to learn. Since my mom was in the accident back in October..is it that long ago??...I've been through alot of growth. I was real happy for her when she got to go back home in November...but then she got bad again and that's when it got tough. It was hard for me to find out that my own brother had been stealing from her while she was in the hospital the second time! And then I understood what you wanted me to learn! I'm not sure when it happened..but during one of my visits to her I realized that he was not any different from me when I was using. I did some things I was pretty ashamed for, lying, manipulating it wasn't so much different then his stealing. Sure, I may have "asked" her for money..but I know  that the reasons I was asking for money were all lies..not much different really..except maybe I was more clever than he is now...ya sure!!! I'm grateful that I've finally got to apologize for all the deception, grateful too that I have been given the chance to make right so many of my wrongs. I'm grateful too that I get the chance to carry the message to my brother.
He's sick ya know and it must be almost impossible for him to hear me...through all the shame, guilt and resentment. I would have had the same problem hearing!! I know you know how long of a drive it is to visit her. I have alot of time during those drives...thank you for helping me to stay focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and the reason for my trips. I guess I've grown up over the last 3 years. I don't resent having to drive 500 miles even if it's only for the day! I'm lucky I hav a car that gets me there and back. And, itunes! Lol...what would I do without the music or more importantly the hours of speakers I get to hear!!! Ya know what is the funniest thing? Managing mom's money! I mean, was that your idea of a joke or what? Somehow I've done it though. Paid her bills, called the mortgage company, utilities, bank...just like an adult! Haha!
She's coming home this weekend to her house. I'm picking her up from the physical rehab center on Saturday morning and taking her home...she seems happy to know that I'm driving down to get her. I have some fear about whether my brother will help her during the week..but I'll go back down for Christmas weekend. All I know is that I have no control over what happens...that's all up to you! I do know that at any given second I can be the son I'm suppose to be. At any second I can be the brother I'm suppose to be. And I know that I don't have to use or drink to get through it.
If you can, will you send my brother some extra love. If it's your will could you please help him to hear. Please also watch over my friends and the folks I work with over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are harder for some than others. Say hi to the angels and Jesus.
love M

Gratitude 11/18

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote you a letter! It seems like forever though it's barely a week. Thanks for taking care of mom this week. It's been an unusal week for me and yet through the whole thing I kept reminding myself that I had faith that whatever happened you were in charge and somehow I put my trust in you, that mom would be ok, my brothers would be ok and I would be ok. I know that mom has had a good life. Not without some sadness or hardship but yet so much laughter and love and joy that the comparison wouldn't even be worth the time. Thank you for providing so many happy years mom enjoyed with my dad. Thank you for letting me be with her and talk to her so often. If it's your will I would like to be able to spend more time with her while she around. I don't know how long that might be and while I don't like to think about not having her around I know that when the minutes have been used, and any of us have been able to give as much as you need us to give...well, then our time here is over. I hope that when mom's time comes that I can celebrate her life and grieve my loss appropriately. I hope that I remember that my thoughts ought to be happy not selfish. Please don't let her suffer and let her find calm and grace with you.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have some fears about being alone...help me remember that I am never alone because I have your love. Help me be a good brother to Jim and John and help us to find strength and consolation with each other.
Thank you for helping me find laughter today, help me remember that this is not my world but yours. That I can find the most happiness by making this a better place to live for others and thus a better place for myself.
I love you and I'm grateful that I have the comforts I do when so many others have less than me. Please protect my brothers as they face their own fears. Help those around me to find some comfort in whatever form they need. Please be with Gigi and Amanda, Eric, Warren, Chandler, Richard, Phillip, Max and all my friends as they face the challenges that they walk through each day...I doubt I'd be the man I am today with your and their support and love. Help the addict who struggles without a solution.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels..
xx
Monty

wednesday 11/11/09

Dear G,
Thank you for helping me understand that I have been selfish. Until Eric pointed out that the easiest way to finish step 4 was to go back to step 3 I truly believe I would have been stuck...well at least until the pain got to great...right? But that act of looking at my willingness, to acknowledge my self-centered fear and realizing that all I had to do was put my trust in you...has made such a difference. You know since my computer has been out of commission for the last week (?) the exercise in going back to hand written letters has been eye openning. I had to slow down and really commit to what I was writing..there was no opportunity for editting except to cross out the "mistakes" and re-write. But with this medium there is always the chance...whenever...to go back and change things. I wonder how many people who write electronically do just that...go back and re-write until they sound "smarter" or whatever?? Kinda funy to think about actually!
Anyway I just wanted to say hi! If you could would you please watch out for my mom, my brothers; Jim and John and my housemates Warren and Chandler. I love them all and want the best for them..whatever that best is! I love you.
Monty

Prayer 11/01

Thank you for all the great people you put in my life! I guess I never think that anyone really thinks much about me but I'm grateful when you put so many opportunities for me to see that people do care. I know that you love me but I guess sometimes I think that...well, you love everyone! It's humbling for me to see that there are people that I love, that love me back...I know that doesn't make the most sense, but somehow I know you know what I mean. I had so much fun today being with Eric, going to Philips and Pride..and to think I just wanted to stay at home. Thank you for getting me out of the house, to go out and be with people despite thinking no one would care if  I was there or not.

I'm trying to be more attentive to what I think your will for me is...I really don't care about how much money I make, I just want to have a job that makes me feel useful and helps me to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. LOL..of course I'd like it to be good food and a nice roof...but the rest is just logistics...right?

I'm thinking that maybe you feel it's time for me to get out of the tanning salon...I really don't enjoy trying to convince people that they need to spend $100 on lotion when the $40 lotion is good too! I like working with the girls at my salon but I can't understand why I can't teach them how to sell better? Why do some of the other stores succeed in sales where my store doesn't???

I'm just blathering tonight...and it seems like it is going nowhere at the moment. I guess I just wanna say how grateful I am for the awesome day I had. How grateful I am that I have friends who care about me and my well being. How wonderful it was to be around so many good people today. Thanks for the beautiful weather!! We are so lucky to have such a diverse community. Help me find a way that I can give back to the community...some way I can volunteer!

Thanks for helping my mom get back home and for her recovering health! If you would please help my brother find some peace. Be with the suffering addict tonight who doesn't have someplace to sleep or something to eat.

Thanks again for all you to do for me!

say hi to Jesus and your angels!

xo

M

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

Gratitude List 10/24/10

Thank you for keeping me safe today. It's been one of those days that I am having a hard time remembering what to be grateful for...todays gratitude list;

1. my sobriety
2. you
3. my sponsee
4. my sponsor
5. my mom
6. my brothers
7. my friends
8. my health
9. the food in the house
10. my car
11. choices
12. my education
13. my senses
14. the skill to cook
15. books... especially the big blue one
16. a roof over my head
17. heat
18. people who need me
19. music
20. that I'm alive

damn it was hard to get out 20 things tonight. I'm sure there is soooo much more to be grateful for and I don't want you to think I'm selfish for not being able to come up with more right now but it's what I got. The little monty addict seems to be acting up tonight. And honestly I'm not sure why. Today the topic was relationships; how they've changed as a result of our changing...otherwise known as the promises...I think it is the tip of the iceberg. You know I haven't done much about making my finacial amends. Mostly cuz I'm selfish and want stuff for myself. This said "stuff" is most assuredly going to give me peace and serenity....right? ok kidding! I can get such a line going about how I NEED certain things. And I procrastinated today about doing any work on my 4th step: financial inventory the question of course is why? Bottom line..ladies and gentleman...fear. I'm flatly living in the outcome. Surely if I face this task I will end up in jail? Dead? Hated? Lol...I know...nope. None of these is a reasonable outcome...but then why, you ask, am I trying to determine the outcome? I'm thinking that what I want to do is wait until next paycheck and then start doing something about it!!!! Hmmmm...what do you think abou tthat approach? Cuz I can't start tomorrow...I don't where to start? What about starting with my inventory??? True that is another approach...one that is certain to point be toward the place to start...
Ok that's what I'll do then. and I'll do it right now. I'll start small...there are 15 questions, more or less...and I'll answer one a day until they're done!
Thank you for that suggestion. Good thing I have you around to help me up. And no surprise...I feel better just writing to you! I love you and trust you!
I told Sheila from the doctor's office that I would say something to you about her mom and her cousin Sheri. I guess they need a little extra loving and I think Sheila does too! Btw please give Richard all the courage and faith he may need to find serenity. Surround him with your love. Help him to find financial peace. Could you check in on my brother Jim too? He probably needs you alot more these days! Oh and maybe you could check in with Gigi and Amanda..I love them!
thank you for helping me stay clean today!
xo

Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

wednesday 10/14

Dear G,
Thank you for putting my brother at mom's when she needed him. I'm grateful that you allow me to learn lesson's at my pace...which is of course you're will, right? These last couple of days were full of growth, though as ya know I didn't catch what you were doing right away! When John called and said mom was in the hospital I was so afraid. I think it was alot about being alone, pretty selfish I guess. And then I got all freaked out cuz I started thinking Jim might steal mom's things and pawn them. Somehow I forgot what was really important, my mom. I've learned enough from going through the steps, working with my sponsee and listening to you through others that I realized how lucky I was that Jim was even in town. It was through your grace that I got it! I'm not certain what might have happened if mom had been alone at home, right? But then that wasn't your will, was it? So Jim was in town and he took her to the hospital and the medical people get to do what they do. The bottom line is when I start trying to figure out what the best outcome is and what it is that I want it doesn't turn out so well, huh? I know someday mom will die, that's nature, that's what happens to everyone. But that's not today. And you want me living in the moment. Thank you for the opportunity to learn this.
Please help Richard (thought I'd forget about him huh?) to find serenity. Help him to realize financial peace. Give him the chance to experience romantic love. Help him to know you're love and grace. Please watch over Jim and John while they take care of mom. Please help all those newcomers who are struggling to put together 24 hours, and be with those with more than 24 hours to be of service to the best of their ability.
Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and for the chance to smile at myself.
Love you,
Monty

sunday 10/11

Dear G,
Thank you for reminding me that I have stay vigilant against my addiction. I sometimes forgot that I'm not cured...it's times like that I let my guard down and in walks my disease, all bright and shiny. It's weird it doesn't walk in as the beat up gutter version that was with me at the end. In fact, it walks in as a version I don't usually recognize. Like grandiosity or intolerance...it strolls in and points out my entitlement or my stupidity. Usually if I have been hanging tight with you it doesn't begin to have a chance to find a way in...but I find that I have to stay in touch with you everyday to maintain. If not I get all fucked up in the head...the squirrels start racing around, I get crazy, act out, spend money or whatever...generally I behave in a way that I have to make amends for later on...Oi vay!

I want to take a moment to say something about Richard. Please give him all your love today, help him to find serenity. Help him to laugh at himself and to be a true friend to those around him. Protect him from his addiction and those that might harm him. Help him to find financial peace. Teach him how to love himself and understand that he is a beautiful man.
Thanks for loving me so much, help me to be a good sponsor to Eric. I'm trying to understand how I feel about Frank and hope you can give me some guidance on how to proceed.
Have a great day!
Love you
Monty

friday 10/09

sometimes I just need to be reminded...

 that anything can happen!

thursday 10/8

Dear G,
Thank you for my sobriety, my family my friends, my sobriety, my sponsor and my sponsee! There is always so much to be thankful for...I'm particularly grateful for my relationship with you. I guess you know I've been nurturing a resentment toward Richard. I'm on the fence on this one because, on one hand he was so generous to me when I was in a bad place in terms of living situations...however the last month that I lived with him was awful. He was using and I didn't know it, he made some terrible accusations some of which I almost believed about myself. I want to let it go mostly because I know he was sick at the time and further I believe it is your will!  So I'll use the PFT principle - Pray for Them! For the next 30 days I'm going to add Richard into my prayers. I pray that he finds comfort in your love. That he finds peace with himself, believes in and loves himself and makes peace with his past. I pray that he finds financial security and learns to live in the moment. 

Remember the other day I was considering the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance..remember? I wanted to comment on indifference. The dictionary defines it as a lack of interest and the thesaurus offers coldness, disdain, apathy, dispassion and detachment among its synonyms. Those nouns described me when I was using and for a while after I got sober. I was the center of my world and I truly didn't care much about you or anyone else unless it was hoe it related to me. And I didn't care too much about myself either...based on the way I chose to live my life. To make it easier for myself I was able to present an image of control which kept my using outside the radar of everyone around me. I didn't care about my job or my car or my living conditions just as long as I had a job so that I could fund my drinking and drugging, a car to drive me to the liquor store or the dealer and a roof over my head so I had someplace to use. I believed in you but didn't believe that there was much of a reason to invest in my spirituality. Of course you waited until that night in May 2006 when I was so afraid, so alone and at last without hope. And you gently reminded me there was a way out...remember? Of course even then I didn't just throw in the towel...but I did stop using. I drove here to Atlanta and picked up a white chip and stopped drinking and drugging. I kept fighting, not ready to surrender completely.
It's been a process hasn't it. You know I've given up my will to you just about everyday since that day...most days taking it back after a few hours, giving it back, taking it...playing tug-o-war with it...lol. Seems like ever since the HRU this year I've gotten pretty willing to let it go. To align my self with your will hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...lol...ya I know, but hey I'm making progress!!!
Thanks for all your love today, for the patience and direction.
If you have time can you check in on Liam and her family, comfort the newcomers who are afraid and resistant as they find their way. And please help keep the old timers vigilant!
Love you
Monty

wednesday 10/07

Dear G, Thanks for the tools that you've given me sometimes I don't pick the right one or sometimes I don't pick up any but thank you for the opportunity to have them! I've been trying harder to remember to pick up any tool and since I started writing to you it seems to be getting easier!

I was thinking about the 3rd step today...it is definitely in front of my face all the time. I remember how hard everything was before. I could never figure anything out...I kept thinking if I could only catch a break I could get ahead. It was all so confusing and it seemed easier to just keep to myself rather than try to keep everyone else happy. My jobs kept getting less demanding, less responsibility, shorter hours and less money. The stress was too much and  the pay never enough for the responsibility expected. I just couldn't figure out why everyone wanted so much from me!!! I kept thinking I was trying so hard and I just couldn't get it. But when I was high or drunk it didn't matter. Everything seemed so calm. No one bothered me when I was alone and high. And I could putter away at anything I wanted. When I fell far enough behind I would call my mom and explain I just needed a few bucks to catch up couldn't she help out? And she did. Maybe she didn't know what else to do..I don't know...but that was my life. That was where my will got me. It got me lost and confused with no where to go and no place to stay.

When I got sober this last time I knew what I might receive. If I would do what was your will, if I would do service, and the steps, and get a sponsor and a sponsee that I might be okay. But this time something else has happened. I've done all those things and my life has gotten better. But...  I started asking questions because I still felt confused. And you gave me a chance to find something else out...that I had a learning disability. Well shit, doesn't that explain the rest! So I'm taking action, right? For the last two years I've slowly started to get some clarity. You've given me a chance to listen to what you say and take action based on that. Taking medicine to help my brain understand. I understand that I don't have it right...yet!  Sometimes, like now, I still get confused for a minute or two and wonder if I'm making sense, but I know you understand me. I know you love me. And I trust you.

Thanks for helping Phillip find a job! He never lost faith in you even when he almost lost his house. Thank you for letting me offer Brandon my experience. I'm grateful I could be there for him today and please comfort his friend. Please help the struggling addict find their way.

Thank you for helping me know your will!

Monty

tuesday 10/6

Dear G,
Thanks for such a rich day...lol...ok so it was kinda tough. But at the end of it I am pretty grateful for having the chance to learn something about myself and to let go of some anger...better even that I recognized it as anger. Specifically that I was angry because someone was not playing by my rules. Even now it makes me smile.

It's hard sometime growing up in my 50's, trying to put right and wrong into perspective. Trying to behave like an adult instead of a child. Making the right next move instead of pouting because I didn't get my way. I wonder why I wanted to wait so long? I wanted to ask why you let me wait so long, but I know that it was my decision, right? And I still have more choices...one of which is the choice to use again. Perhaps not a great choice but a choice nonetheless. I have the choice every day to wake up and be grateful for the things in my life; my family, my sobriety, my friends. I have the choice to help someone else or myself, the choice to embrace faith or fear, the choice to accept things as they are or wrestle to impose my will. You've given me lots of room for choice and the free will to exercise that choice! You given me lots of love when I didn't know you were there...when I was real lost and given up on you. That's very cool and though I wish I could show you all my appreciation now, I know, you're offering me as much time as I need...hopefully the rest of my life.

I guess you know that I've been struggling with what you want me to do to be of service. I don't think you want me to manage a tanning salon, though I do believe that you wanted me here for a reason...other than this awesome tan! :) So I'm wondering if you might be able to give me some clarity, some understanding as to what you might like me to do next? If someone asked me? I guess I would tell them to do the first right thing and the next right thing will come...

Thanks for the wonderful visit I had with Frank! He's a great guy! If it's your will :)
Thanks for helping Amanda over the last couple of days I'm sure it would have been super hard without you! If you could please help Boston Tommy I'm sure he needs you.
And if you could look in on my brother Jim that would be great!

Thanks for all the love today...and the chance to laugh! My love to my Dad too!
M

sunday 10/4

Dear G,
Thanks for the chance to smile a gazillion times, and thanks for all the laughing that Frank and I have had today. Thanks for giving me the grace to hear Jimmy apologize and the opportunity to accept. I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do and I admire his courage. I'm grateful that you gave me the willingness to approach him making it possible...I knew it was what you wanted even though my pride and ego were doing everything possible to make me walk a different direction!
I've heard several people mention lately that they feel closer to you than they have in the recent path...and each has expressed it as a direct result of their willingness to listen. It's so amazing to witness your grace in others when I take the time to look. I'm grateful that I've had this chance too to see your grace in my life. It's more the feeling happy or special it's like a feeling of peace. I don't even think that is the right word...but I know you know what I'm trying to say... a hush over the disharmony. I'm finding more strength every day when you're around to face the scratches in my faith, those defects that have stood between me and you.

Thanks for loving me so much. Oh and thanks for finding Adam a safe place to live!

I love you!
M

saturday 10/3

It's a cool morning here. Thanks for the change of seasons! I'm going to head over to the gym in a few, thanks for my health and the opportunity to go to the gym. I wonder if I might need to quit my membership...finances being what they are I will consider it. But I am grateful that I can actually move and lift and strengthen. And I'm grateful that I have nourishment that I can sustain without being sick. I'm trying to spend as much time working on my insides as I do my outsides. I'm more aware that the outside isn't as important as the inside but I've spent my whole life trying to make the outside look good enough that someone would be attracted to me. What I'm learning is that the outside is worthless if the inside is weak. You know that exercising the inside is much harder to do! The payoff isn't as readily obvious either. Of course, you see the difference...but what about everyone else? I love the relationship that I'm developing with you and I feel the love and comfort more then ever before. But I get lonely for the touch of another man, the joy of being told by someone that I am loved. I'm grateful today that I have friends that I know love me and I try harder to appreciate that as being what I need today. Maybe if I was in the arms of another man who proclaimed his love I might understand something else. It could just be that I want it because I don't have it, right? To tell you the truth I might not have the patience to adapt to someones habits...to actually love someone the way I think I want to be loved. That's it isn't it?? The real question is am I willing to love someone the way I want to be loved. Real love is selfless isn't it? I guess I need to work on being less involved in self....haha...of course that's what I do everyday! Well I'll keep at it :)
If you could will you keep Frank safe during his travels here today? And if you could keep Louise, Warren's dog, comfortable...I know she will be dying and she has had a good life...thanks. Thanks for loving me so much! I'll do my best to stay close to you today...

Monty

friday 10/2

Dear G,
How was your day? I had a day of ups and downs...more smiles than frowns and gratefully an answer to my ego whenever it popped up. Remember the blog I wrote about the attic? I dunno why I was thinking about that earlier..but I was. I went back and read it and was wondering where you were? Why did I go up there alone? I doubt I even thought about inviting you along...regrettably! I was thinking about what message you wanted me to get? Perhaps it's simply that there is no reason for me to go anywhere without taking you along. Better put, there is no reason that I have to be alone at all. You're always around and I know you love to be with me. I love when you're there with me...and I acknowledge it for myself.
I was talking to my mom today and was telling her how I started this new medicine and how I get a little spacey from it. She's not convinced that I need anything but I just don't know why I have such a hard time staying focused. I don't know why I seem to forget things so quickly...it's like one second I have something clear in my mind and the next it is completely gone...poof! Sometimes I just sorta stare at something, like the keyboard just now and I forget what it is I was doing...just a blip, most times really, on the radar, as it comes right back and other times its minutes that slip past....not a lot just one or two, but I just don't think it's normal - not that I've ever known from normal :)
I'm wondering if you could give me some idea about volunteering for a position on HRU'10? I want to do something to be of service and I trust you to point me in the right direction. I'm really happy to do anything that you think is helpful...
I've got some reading I want to do tonight before I go to sleep and I want to answer another question on my 4th step too! Before I close though I wanted to ask if you would comfort the little girl Liam? I wonder too if you could look in on the boy Adam from Galano, I get the impression that he's uncomfortable where he is staying right now, some hotel?? I don't want to ask too much so I'll leave it at that...oh and the cats that Gigi takes care of, I know they give her joy - though I admit I don't get it...maybe they're your angels :) in feline form! lol...well they could be I suppose!
Love you
M
ps today is my brother John's b-day...thanks for giving him such a good day!

wednesday 9/30

I thought I'd send you a quick note before I go to bed...thanks for such a good day...I'm still not adjusted to my new meds and I still get a little spacey around lunch time. But overall I had a great day and I'm super grateful for having so much to smile about! Yesterday I wrote to you about the roadblocks to faith and I was giving some thought to prejudice. I was thinking that it's a concept that means I think I'm better than someone else, or that what I beleive is smarter or better than what someone else believes. It makes me to be an intolerant man which leads me to be mean and hateful. I don't believe you want me to be either of these things. If I'm fair, tolerant and respectful of ideas or beliefs different from mine I expand my faith. I don't think it means that I have to embrace hate or bigotry..but I think I can challenge it in a respectful manner. I believe that is how you would act if you ran into some dumb ass bias behavior.

It all comes down to me not hating..right?

I'm going to bed...but if ya get a chance would you check in on those kids who are cold and lonely tonight? Could you send some extra love to some of the old people who have no family to care for them? And if you have any extra time could you comfort my friends who are feeling sad tonight? I love you....xx to the little angels tonight :)

M

tuesday 9/29

Dear G,

Thanks for a good day...for getting to see and hear my friends today and tonight. I was talking to someone today and I was struck with the fact that my friend was laughing about something and that I had not just made a joke. I noticed that he had been reading a text (and perhaps not listening to what I was saying???) and I asked what was funny. He then shared some gossip about 2 friends of his. I was bothered by a couple of things but after a minute I realized that I was most bothered by the fact that I was guilty of the same type of behavior (the gossip). Lately I've noticed that I'm more tuned into inappropriate behaviors that I exhibit myself! I wonder do you put these behaviors in front of me so that I might be more conscious of my own character defects? I suspect that is the case. Tonight I didn't judge my friend...well alright I did momentarily...progress not perfection, right?...but what was remarkable was that I practiced restraint (it's true!!) and thought, instead, about why I was uneasy with his behavior. Teeny, tiny baby steps some days...right?

I was talking earlier today with Frank and he told me the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance. I've been deconstructing fancied self-sufficiency... fancied could mean preferred or fictitious (preferred might be ok but fictitious...hmmmm) and self-sufficient leads to arrogant, closed, conceited, doing one's own thing, egotistic, haughty, independent, individual, on one's own, out for number one, self-confident, self-dependent, self-sufficing, self-supported, self-supporting, self-sustained, self-sustaining, smug....ewwwww....so no bueno! My conclusion on this 'roadblock'..not good...I see the word SELF and that means to me that I've taken you out. And, whenever I've done that in the past I have ended up in a not so good place. The truth is I can't do any of this alone. Nothing! Without you and my family and my friends I'm fucked up! I guess I'll spend some time on indifference and prejudice and defiance later...I'm going to hit the sack...

Thanks for loving me so much...and for the lessons I got to learn today!

love you

M

monday night 9/29

Dear G,
How was you day? Thanks for another day that was more smiles than frowns. I was thinking earlier tonight if there are things you remember that I don't? I guess you remember everything don't you? Sometimes I remember stuff that I'm not very proud of and other times some really funny things. I think it's all good..I mean it's stuff that got me here today. I figure that since I put all my trust into you that whatever reason you got me to today that it's a good enough reason for you then it sure as hell should be good enough for me. I don't think it's like just one thing you want me to do but rather a journey of things you want me to be a part of...and that journey isn't one I'm making alone but one that I'm making with others. Some I travel with for a while and others I just pass or cross paths with. I think too that some of these folks you want me to help and some of these people you want to help me. If I deny these people the help they are suppose to provide then it's possible that they may not learn something they are suppose to learn and I might also miss a lesson I'm suppose to understand! so there is a symbiotic nature to our being together.
I was thinking about the 2nd step "came to believe" and the idea of sanity...my sober life has not been a linear sort of movement...sanity-wise. Some days I feel pretty sane and other days less so. Its like I've learned that it is contingent on my spiritual program. I heard a guy say tonight that all his life he's been looking to fit in - from coast to coast..the swankiest to the grungiest and never felt like he belonged until he sat down in a plastic chair in a room lit with fluorescent lights with a bunch of people he didn't know and talked about a spiritual life. It makes perfect sense to me...lol.
That's all I got tonight. If you have time can you check in on Tom and Enrique..make sure they're ok? And Terri's little boy..he might have the flu. And Rudra's little girl Liam and her family. And if you could, would you mind watching out for my brother Jim?
Thanks for keeping me sane today and from using! Thanks too for loving me so much! Love to all the Angels!
xo
M

looking in...

It's not really about looking out is it? I find that if I wanna get anywhere I have to look inward first...just a thought, right?

sunday night 9/27

I'm procrastinating and thought it was better if I took some time to say hi to you then use my time doing something that wasn't as fruitful. Thanks for a great day! I'm glad I got to teach today and grateful that I could share what I know with someone else. Thanks too for the chance to catch up with Terri and Eric...I'm lucky that I get to have them in my life. If you get a chance will you check in on Terri's little boy who has the flu? And also if you could check in on that little girl that Rudra helps...I know she is real sick and might be leaving here so I pray that her family gets a chance to share their love with her before she dies!

Gigi has me working a 4th step on my financial insecurities..the aformentioned procrastination...right? I don't feel like I'm afraid to look at it, but why else am I dragging my butt? There are only like 18 questions and I've written them all down, so now it is just working through them...one at a time like everything else I guess! BTW don't think I'm not smart enough to know that you're giving me the opportunity to learn financial responsibility! It's like when I use to ask you to give me patience so you would put me in a traffic jam...funny! So I realized that I put a note in my god box for help...hang on I gotta go look....oh yeah..."financial irresponsibility" ...lol! I have got to find a better way to give this stuff to you ....
Thank you for loving me so much and for taking the time to guide me. I still have fear but not as much these days. All I have to do is stay in the moment, here with you there is nothing to fear. Fear is in the future, resentment is in the past - two places I have no business hanging out in! No fun!
Thanks forgiving me something to laugh about today...please help others to laugh more too!!! It feels so fucking good...right?

Love you,

M

ps - how come you have so many names? is it just to make it easier for everyone to connect with you the way they need to? just curious..   :)

sunday 9/27

pretty simple stuff....

saturday 9/26

How are you? Thank you for the skill to read and write...cuz I got some writing to do today!  I started taking a new medication today and I think coming off of the last and going on to the new has had some unexpected bitchiness! Here's what I know though...whenever I find myself behaving in a way that I don't think you would... then it's time for a gratitude list..woo hoo! Today I'm grateful for;

1. you
2. my sobriety
3. my health
4. my mom
5. my sponsee
6. my sponsor
   
7. my job (though it isn't the job I want..I'm grateful I have one!)
8. my car
9. my house
10. my friends - starting with Chandler and Warren
11. the chance to do service
12. the chance to have a spiritual awakening
13. my creativity
14. my smile
15. my cooking talents
16. fudge - it's true 

These are just the beginning but I think I get it...there is so many things that make people unhappy and sometimes I get into a funk and even then you love me. Thank you for the gifts you send my way and even more the times when I pray for something that you don't send my way cuz you have something else that will be better for me! I can't even imagine where I might be today if you had let me have everything I prayed for...right??  Thanks!
I love you and trust you in a way that I didn't even appreciate was possible. I have always known you were there and most days knew that you loved me but there were days that I didn't. Sorry about those days that I ignored you  cuz I was all wrapped in me...and whats so cool is that you never left, you just waited until I was ready to reach out to you again...that kind of love is humbling for certain! 
Well that's all I got tonight... give my love to Jesus and the Angels :)

love you
Monty

friday 9/25

Good morning and WOW! Thank you for the message this morning! I was feeling so overwhelmed financially, I hate living paycheck to paycheck cuz I feel so out of control...that any little thing can turn everything upside down. My world is so unmanageable..Hmmm??? I thought I was making some progress a few weeks ago, but then Roundup happened and I threw myself into a financial hole! I really could not afford the hotel and the extra expenses involved with that :( !! Then I had to have my car fixed which there was no money for either. Today after I paid rent there was like nothing left... I was sitting here wondering how am I going to pay for gas and my car insurance and pay phone and food..and I was starting to feel real bad...real bad!
I came to my room and I was reading my 24hr book and got your message. I realized, then and there, that I had a spiritual experience! I found that regardless of the anxiety I had felt moments before that I was ok...that I could find peace in your arms. I continue to gradually understand just how much you love me. I understand that I can find peace in this mess...with you!
I'm grateful that you comfort me and watch out for me even when I'm not conscious that you're around. I'm grateful that you love me unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...though I love you with all my heart.
I know that I don't have to lie or cheat or steal anymore to have my needs taken care of, that somehow you'll figure it out. All I have to do is trust you. I'm very grateful that I can hear you so clearly today!
Thanks for lifting me up today!
x
M

complacency 9/22

Dear G,
Today I was feeling a little complacent. Oops my bad...thank you for helping me make it through today. I'm trying to stay active in my life, trying to remember to be thankful for what gifts I've gotten. I'm listening more to what message I think you send to me in whatever form it seems to take. Thank you for my eyesight. Thanks for saving me from some fucked up crazy end...drunk driving or OD'ing on some high...right? I'm so grateful to be alive today.
It's weird isn't it, or funny or something, (well maybe not to you) that the simple act of being grateful for what I have removes barriers that might normally get in my way of peace. Suddenly my complacency is barely a memory. Of course having ADHD and more than a couple burned out brain cells helps, right? It's a simple act, remembering gratitude, and then poof...so many other things don't matter.
I don't think I mentioned I spoke to Terri the other day. It's great she gets to do something she really loves and is excited about doing. She really sounds happy (hey T) and I bet she's really good at sharing what she knows...thanks for helping her find her niche! She's a good woman and I'm real grateful I get to have her in my life...she seems to get me or at least lets me know she loves me unconditionally...which is very cool!
I've been doing some research into a different ADHD med which is speed based. The strattera just doesn't seem to be doing the job. I drift off still in the middle of conversation, I don't feel any more motivated than when I don't take it and so I'm going to talk to Dr Cox to see what he thinks. He might feel hesitant about me trying one of the speed based alternatives but I liked barbs and sedatives anything that would slow me down so that I could think...so much goes on in my head at one time it can be overwhelming! Anyway I've talked to my sponsor, my roommates, and I'm talking about it at meetings too. I'm not afraid that I'll go crazy but if you have an opinion feel free to weigh in :)
Well I think I'm going to read for a bit. Thanks for being there with me today, sorry if I ignored ya a couple minutes when I was getting pissy about work stuff...it was real insignificant I know. Thanks for loving me so much!
x
Monty

peace 9/20

I wonder sometimes what people with no faith believe in? what will happen to them when all their friends, lovers and family are gone...ya think maybe then they might start to believe in something?

saturday 9/19

Dear G, 

I guess you might be wondering what's up with the doors huh? They're symbolic of  a new way of thinking for me, a new way of doing and a new way to for me to get closer to you. Thanks for giving me the chance to express my feelings through these words and images. None of the images are pictures I've taken (yet) and I believe that the original artists would allow me to use them for my growth and expression of faith. Thank you too for the chance to help Rob with his move today. I feel good knowing that I can commit to helping someone and then follow through. I was always more interested in meeting my own needs... its such a change from the way I use to be. I'm trying to improve some of my others behaviors too so that I can be more loving toward my friends and and to give them the support they want from me. I really want to be able to be the kind of friend that people can count on when they need a friend to be there for them.
I talked to Frank today and it sounds like he is having such a great time in Palm Springs. I like this man and I know you know I have some fear about how to pursue a relationship. I trust you and I am trying hard to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what might be or trying to figure out what he may want from our friendship or if he wants something more than something casual. I'm giving it over to you...and yes I know that I take it back and then give it back to you again!! :) I'm trying though... thank you for being patient with me and helping me learn that you know what's best. I just want to be me, not some made-up guy that I think others might like.

I bought a new composition book today to record thought and stuff that come to me. I might write to you in there too but will continue to record as much as I can here. I don't why I am or what purpose you may have for me recording them here too...it just feels like something you want me to do and so I continue.

Thanks for loving me so much!

Give my love to my dad, I wonder if he keeps an eye on me? I think he does. Its weird huh that he came to be with you when he was just a little older than me...seems like so long ago. I dunno why I was just thinking about that?

Well I'm off for now. Have a good night :@) Oh, will you keep an eye on T and E tonight? I hope they're safe.

Love

M

9/18 friday

Dear G,
How are you today? It's been a great day for me even with life and it's challenges being there. It's funny how sometimes life presents so many opportunities for anxiety, like today and most of it didn't get me to worked up! Thanks for helping me get things more on track lately...going to more meeting, writing to you everyday, staying closer to my  sponsor and sponsee have really made the difference. Thanks for helping me understand more about the concept of letting go! Life is so much easier letting you deal with some of this crap...at least you know what to do with it, right?! :)
I was reading about feeling vs doing and the whole notion of, what I'm feeling isn't what I'm doing! The idea that I might be feeling shitty but going to a meeting. The going to a meeting part is not shitty, it's good. The feeling going into the meeting might still be shitty...might even be shitty coming out, who knows. So the feeling doesn't have to affect what I'm doing. Conversely what I'm doing can affect what it is I'm feeling...if I'm doing all crappy things it won't take long before I actually feel like crap too!
The transition spiritually for me has happened without me even trying (consciously anyway). My attitude about spirituality, my understanding of you and the relationship between you and I has been so remarkably subtle and yet the outcome has been so significant. It's hard for me at this point to explain it to someone else but I know you get it!
Thanks for helping me "get it", for showing me the way that worked for me. Thanks for loving me that much!

Love
M

Come in

wednesday 9/16

Dear G,
Thanks again for letting me be of service last night taking those guys to a meeting. I was hoping T would want to come again tonight but that wasn't how it played out. It's in your hands. Please keep them in your grace and let me be of service however i can.
I was a little clouded today...kinda like the weather :) Overcast, drizzly and the a downpour...well actually I was just overcast. I feel so close to you these days though today I felt a little less so... perhaps I was trying to get my will in there somehow...I wasn't feeling discontent, jealous, resentful...just not as connected today.
That I trust in you and believe you love me has made the greatest change for me - I feel so free. I feel like I can let go of things easier. Its like I finally get the 3rd step...lol!
There is one thing that I'm struggling with letting go of...my fears regarding going back to teaching. I know it is what you want me to do...it's what I want to do too! I've been using the excuse that I haven't had the money to pay for my application and the exams that I need to take to complete my file for the state. We both know that theses are just excuses...so I wonder what fear is holding me back? If you could I could use some clarity.
I got a scholarship to go to Cloudland Canyon this year!!! I'm really grateful that I'm going to be able to go and I was also asked to help plan the meals...well the desserts and snacks actually - my forte, right? LOL. Thanks for the chance to do some service! And the opportunity to go on this retreat!
Well tha'ts all for now, hope all is well and my love to Jesus!
xox
Monty

tuesday 9/15

Dear G,
Thanks for letting me help T, or at least for putting me in his path (or him in mine)so I could take him to a meeting. If you could give him a little extra TLC while he gets his feet back on solid ground (or whatever you think is right..)? Thanks!
Thanks, too, for helping Eric and the idea for him to start a 4th step on relationships..I'm certain we'll both learning something from it! Please help me be the friend I need to be so that I can be of max service!
I'm really enjoying my conversations with Frank and learning alot about myself and my defects related to relationships..and letting go of fear. He's real easy to talk to maybe because he live in Miami??
I'm getting a much clearer picture about my recovery and purpose. I had a chance to take two new comers to a meeting. I hope you can help them find some serenity and if its your will I hope they can both get clean!! Of course I will be of any help you want! :)
Thanks for such an awesome day...it was fun!
Monty

sunday 9/13

Dear G,
Thanks for getting helping me see what you wanted me to see! I was talking to Gigi today and I told her how much trust I have in you. And how much you love me! I'm so grateful I get it! I know that it isn't something I'm going to understand 24/7 but that I know now makes getting back to that consciousness so much easier. It's like when I learned to ride a bike or knew that I was an addict...the first few times without training wheels were hard, but eventually it got easier.
It feels good too! And ya know what else...is that since I recognized what was wrong, what I was missing - the service commitment, home group, step work - and then took some action? Wow! Thank you!!
Tomorrow is Gigi's 17th year! Outstanding! I'm real lucky to have her in my life, and I know she feels the same, I mean I know it! Having a sponsor is such a wonderful gift, not as wonderful as having Eric...well different cause I love them both.
Writing to you has made such a big difference for me, I wish I could get everyone to do this but I understand that everyone has to find their own way of talking to you and that this is one that works for me. It gives me some time to think about my relationship with you and to put things out there for you to see where I am and guide me in the direction of your will :)
If you have some extra time will you look in on Amanda I think she's having some trouble with her meds and could use some extra love and comfort from you. Thanks! And I could use some guidance on how to manage my finances. I wanted to go visit my mom next weekend but I've overdrawn my account. I had a good 6 weeks of being responsible and then got distracted. Thanks again :)

Love always
M

love 9/12

friday 9/11

Dear G,
Whats up today? Thanks for helping Warren reach another milestone today! 4 years!! Awesome! He is such a good friend though between the two of us...I wish he could find a sponsee - but I guess I need to keep the focus on my own program, huh?

So many folks talking about the anniversary of the WTC today...so tragic. I'm always sad when there are these kinds of tragedies and people ask why you let them happen. What they seem to forget is that you gave us free will and what we do with it is up to us. If we align it with your will, things go well but in the times of great tragedies it is the will of somebody who has chosen to ignore your will in favor of what their own will, certain to make for a mess, at least from my experience exercising my will, right?

Life in Atlanta goes on :). I'm finding it more challenging to feel motivated as of late. I have to remember to focus on my own program...trust you, clean house, help others...I believe my serenity goes up. I guess that's why I'm not feeling motivated and spiritually fit..I'm simply not doing enough for others and perhaps I need to do some heavy dusting...lol. I read this bit in the Grapevine, (Sept 2009/pg 49)

"I heard that I'd never drink if at any one time I could answer 4 questions:

1. Who's your sponsor?
2. What Step are you on?
3. Where's your home group?
4. Where's your service commitment?
   

Ooooohhhhh!!!!! looks like I found the chink in the armor - or rather you put the solution in front of me! If I only have a sponsor this is no bueno! So here's what I think you want me to do... I called Gigi and she set me to work on Step 10. I'm going to go to 3-4 meetings a week and find a home group, maybe Wed 7pm CMA? I always like that meeting and I'm going to get on board with next years HRU , the first meeting is the first Sunday in October. What do you think of that plan? I think it's sound and feels right. Let me know if you think otherwise, I'll do whatever you think, I trust your decision.

I'm going to wrap this up, but if you have a chance will you check in on Chandler? I think he's feeling maybe not so good. Oh and if ya know someone who needs a sponsor I'm available :)

Don't work too hard! Say hi to Jesus :)
Love you
M

thursday 9/10

Dear G,
How are things with you today? Thanks for giving the insights on selfishness this morning...ya know when I made that fudge last night I was just thinking mmmm something sweet! And this morning when I slpit it into thirds I was just thiking I was going to get my fair share!! Just like when I was using, I never wanted to share my stash...but I sure wanted my share of someone else's...old habits take a long time to change.
HEY! let me ask ya this...when I asked for some clarification yesterday about dating...remember? And then I get this call from Frank today (that good looking guy I met at the "So ya think you can dance" fundraiser)! Here's the funny part...when I saw the call from him I just called him right back and we had this real comfortable casual conversation. And then, afterward, I listened to his voice mail about wanting to flirt and put the moves on...right? Somehow I think if I had listen to that voice mail first the tenor of the conversation might have been different, forced not real. Not much of a coincidence huh? Here's what I think you want me to do...trust you! :) Refocus on cleaning house, helping others, don't get high and go to meetings!
Help me so I don't over analyze what you say to me or how you say it! And, help me to remember to keep it simple...right? :)

Love
M

hump day 9/9

Dear G,
Hey!! How are you today?? Before I get to far into this letter let me start by saying thank you! Thanks for helping me stay clean today :) I really have so many things to say thank you for and I rarely tell you homw grateful I am - I'm going to make a better effort going forward! Seriously!
I'm still focused on service. I think to be of service to you I need to be of service to my community, that is the recovery community. I need to be of service to my people, my gay family. I need to be of service locally to those who need education and to be of service to the greater good - to do my civic duty! I beleive that if someone needs my help and I help them then I am living the life you want me to live! If I am even a small example of how to live life on life's terms and make this place a better place than I am certain to feel good or at the very least better than doing nothing except serving my own needs...whew!!!
I need your help with something. I'm very confused about whether you want me to find a romantic relationship? I don't know if you're trying to guide me toward one or what. I trust you but I wonder what do you think? Let me know ok? I'm good either way...I just need some clarification.
I'm laying in bed and pretty tired so I'm going to turn in. Hope you have a good one. I'll write you tomorrow!

xo
M

tuesday 9/8

Dear G,
How are you today? Weather was beautiful here all weekend, thanks again! I'm stuck on ego still. Yesterday I was caught up on acceptance (self, worthiness) and today self esteem (more self different day...haha) I use to think that low self-esteem excluded me from the over-inflated club - but, I know now that whether I think  I'm better than everyone or less than everyone..I'm still thinking about ME!! What I'm learning is that if I think about others, do for others, help others...make it about others...my shit won't matter, right? As long as I trust you, clean house and help others my life can't help but get better.
I doubt I tell you this enough - but I trust you! That being said I honestly wonder how much trust I question every minute of every day, because if I truly trust you then I would know that because you love me I am important to you!!! Yet I still worry that you have so many more important things to take care of, things that really need your attention and that I should be able to deal with my tiny inconsequential problems and I don't want to trouble you! It's like I don't have faith that you can handle it ALL!! You the ultimate multi-tasker! Please believe that I am trying to expand my faith and trust.

As always,
M

after the roundup

Dear G,
I had the most beautiful weekend. The glbt recovery community hosted our annual round-up which officially ended today. It was an amazing event for so many people and there was a lot of opportunity for growth and reflection. There were speakers and workshops and meetings and entertainment and meals...so much to do in so few days. I met a lot of new men and women and the cool thing was that the attendance doubled from last year.
There was a woman speaker (truly all the speakers were awesome) who was incredible and you could just tell she loved you so much. She opened up her life to us and shared where she was in her life. I've learned that almost everything comes from someone else..ya know like quotes and inspirational sayings...but this woman said some things I hadn't heard before. She said when she was doing her 4th step she called her sponsor to say she was ready to do step 5 and her sponsor said  "did you do the first part?" and hung up!  This happened several times before she finally went to her sponsors house and asked her whats did she mean ..the first part??? She was reminded that step 5 says, Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. And...wow...I never admitted it to you or myself!
I lead a meeting on acceptance and I read from a Men's Meditation book about acceptance. I talked about accepting not only life on life's terms but, for me, the notion of accepting myself and, even bigger, the notion that I am accepted by others!! It's not as hard to accept things with which I haven't played a specific role; like 9/11 or a freeway accident. But it's a lot more challenging to accept something in which I was involved; like a failed job or relationship. I think the latter are those times when you want me to focus on accepting more than the former. It requires me to believe that you love me and that I am here to do your will. And it helps me to remember to keep my ego in check...to remember that it is NOT about me, but what I can do to help others. Thanks for all the gifts you gave me and to others this weekend. Thanks for helping me reach out to others and offer what I can to help them!
I'm wondering what it is you want me to do? Do you want me to teach? And I'm wondering too how come I can't learn how to have a healthy romantic relationship??? Am I tying too hard?
Well, I guess that's all I got today. Let me know if there is something you need for me to do.

Love
M