my brother

I guess you know all about what's been happening around here the last couple days but, can I just tell you from my perspective?
So, I'm at work and Kris calls (you remember her right? the woman who comes and takes care of mom while I'm at work?) well, anyway, she calls and says my brother had called and she found Mom crying..And I'm thinking...what now? So she tells me that he told Mom how he's got no where to go, and how's he's burned all his bridges and he's got no money and even his own brothers don't like him anymore. You know how many times he's called with one sob story after another...it breaks her heart and as a mom she just wants to do something. So she told him to come over and get a warm shower and that she and he would figure something out. So Kris calls a couple shelters and finds a place for him for last night. Then she calls me and tells me he's on his way over. Sadly I'm suspect and tell her to please don't leave him alone with mom and please don't leave him alone in my bedroom...cuz I'm thinking he's going to steal something (again). But then I told Kris to go into my closet and find the new red hoodie I bought and the only jeans I can think of that are big enough and long enough are those Abercromie jeans and though I'm not feeling it I tell her to give him those and a clean pair of socks. He comes over, I'm at work having anxiety meltdown,  and takes a warm shower and puts on the clean clothes and leaves to go to the shelter. When I got home Kris tells me that she has told him that there is a solution, that he's not bad just sick and he doesn't have to do it alone. Well she thinks he "heard" her. Funny how you can tell someone the same thing over and over...but then a stranger says it and it makes sense!
Today Jim calls me to...thank me for the clothes and tell me how sorry he is and how much of an idiot he's been! And, that he's been to a 12 step meeting!!!! Granted it wasn't an AA meeting (it was a 12 steps to Jesus Christ meeting...arrrggghhh) but it AS a meeting and it did involve a spiritual path and 12 steps and most inportantly he didn't use today and admitted he had been using. Something he has NEVER done before. I told him I love him and how brave he is for calling. I told him that the peace he's looking for is there but it's not easy work....but I believe he can do it!
So I'm trying hard to take it as it comes, to believe him and love him and support him. I'm not willing yet to let him come stay with us or give him money... but thank you for getting him in the door. His seat is in there and with some courage and hard work he may live to help another addict. But for today he helped this one make it another 24 hours...which is still a miracle. Thanks for listening...if you have anymore feedback just drop me a line! Say hi to the angels.

M

I'm so confused at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad. I was so surprised to hear that Gary took his own life today. But at the same time angry that he would choose a cowards end. He was the most remarkable man. He was a great strength to the sober community and a remarkable role model in the gay community. He had a warm spirit and so it's hard to understand why he lost his strength, his fortitude, his will to live. I realize it is something that I cannot understand except that he found his pain too difficult to cope and perhaps now he has found some comfort. I remember what Swami Jaya Davi told me after we lost Mark Picar...that it was my responsibility now to live my life as rich and full as I could..in fact more than before because now I had to cover some of the living that Mark couldn't cover for himself. And so that is my charge for Gary... to live my life beyond the reaches that I live...for Mark and, now, for Gary too! Thanks for the reminder today to embrace life! There are so many people that I wonder if you can look in on today...but could you check in on Rose, too? She seemed kinda down today. Thanks!

xM

Dear G, I was thinking again today about the moment. So often its difficult to stay right here in this second and not the next. reflection on the last and suposition about the next is how I've lived my whole life. Iknow that there is no peace in either. That only right here is where there is calm, it's so logical. Yet, I delve into the realms of what was and what could be at the loss of what is. I wonder why it is so difficult to relax comfortably where I am? Is it part of my chemical makeup? Or just folly? Do people who are not predisposed to escape through overuse fall prey to this exercize in futility? Do they spend precious seconds, minutes, weeks, years comtemplating yesterday and tomorrow? I can hear the word rising up...breathe...feel the breath in, out...it returns me to the moment.
Thanks for the love and compassion that I get everyday. Thanks for helping me remember to be grateful for the things I have and need. Thanks for helping my friends and family through the challenges that life deals. I hope those that need your help tonight can find the voice to ask for it. I hope that for right now the breath comes easier.
love for now
M

wednesday 10/14

Dear G,
Thank you for putting my brother at mom's when she needed him. I'm grateful that you allow me to learn lesson's at my pace...which is of course you're will, right? These last couple of days were full of growth, though as ya know I didn't catch what you were doing right away! When John called and said mom was in the hospital I was so afraid. I think it was alot about being alone, pretty selfish I guess. And then I got all freaked out cuz I started thinking Jim might steal mom's things and pawn them. Somehow I forgot what was really important, my mom. I've learned enough from going through the steps, working with my sponsee and listening to you through others that I realized how lucky I was that Jim was even in town. It was through your grace that I got it! I'm not certain what might have happened if mom had been alone at home, right? But then that wasn't your will, was it? So Jim was in town and he took her to the hospital and the medical people get to do what they do. The bottom line is when I start trying to figure out what the best outcome is and what it is that I want it doesn't turn out so well, huh? I know someday mom will die, that's nature, that's what happens to everyone. But that's not today. And you want me living in the moment. Thank you for the opportunity to learn this.
Please help Richard (thought I'd forget about him huh?) to find serenity. Help him to realize financial peace. Give him the chance to experience romantic love. Help him to know you're love and grace. Please watch over Jim and John while they take care of mom. Please help all those newcomers who are struggling to put together 24 hours, and be with those with more than 24 hours to be of service to the best of their ability.
Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and for the chance to smile at myself.
Love you,
Monty

sunday 10/4

Dear G,
Thanks for the chance to smile a gazillion times, and thanks for all the laughing that Frank and I have had today. Thanks for giving me the grace to hear Jimmy apologize and the opportunity to accept. I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do and I admire his courage. I'm grateful that you gave me the willingness to approach him making it possible...I knew it was what you wanted even though my pride and ego were doing everything possible to make me walk a different direction!
I've heard several people mention lately that they feel closer to you than they have in the recent path...and each has expressed it as a direct result of their willingness to listen. It's so amazing to witness your grace in others when I take the time to look. I'm grateful that I've had this chance too to see your grace in my life. It's more the feeling happy or special it's like a feeling of peace. I don't even think that is the right word...but I know you know what I'm trying to say... a hush over the disharmony. I'm finding more strength every day when you're around to face the scratches in my faith, those defects that have stood between me and you.

Thanks for loving me so much. Oh and thanks for finding Adam a safe place to live!

I love you!
M

saturday 9/26

How are you? Thank you for the skill to read and write...cuz I got some writing to do today!  I started taking a new medication today and I think coming off of the last and going on to the new has had some unexpected bitchiness! Here's what I know though...whenever I find myself behaving in a way that I don't think you would... then it's time for a gratitude list..woo hoo! Today I'm grateful for;

1. you
2. my sobriety
3. my health
4. my mom
5. my sponsee
6. my sponsor
   
7. my job (though it isn't the job I want..I'm grateful I have one!)
8. my car
9. my house
10. my friends - starting with Chandler and Warren
11. the chance to do service
12. the chance to have a spiritual awakening
13. my creativity
14. my smile
15. my cooking talents
16. fudge - it's true 

These are just the beginning but I think I get it...there is so many things that make people unhappy and sometimes I get into a funk and even then you love me. Thank you for the gifts you send my way and even more the times when I pray for something that you don't send my way cuz you have something else that will be better for me! I can't even imagine where I might be today if you had let me have everything I prayed for...right??  Thanks!
I love you and trust you in a way that I didn't even appreciate was possible. I have always known you were there and most days knew that you loved me but there were days that I didn't. Sorry about those days that I ignored you  cuz I was all wrapped in me...and whats so cool is that you never left, you just waited until I was ready to reach out to you again...that kind of love is humbling for certain! 
Well that's all I got tonight... give my love to Jesus and the Angels :)

love you
Monty

saturday 9/19

Dear G, 

I guess you might be wondering what's up with the doors huh? They're symbolic of  a new way of thinking for me, a new way of doing and a new way to for me to get closer to you. Thanks for giving me the chance to express my feelings through these words and images. None of the images are pictures I've taken (yet) and I believe that the original artists would allow me to use them for my growth and expression of faith. Thank you too for the chance to help Rob with his move today. I feel good knowing that I can commit to helping someone and then follow through. I was always more interested in meeting my own needs... its such a change from the way I use to be. I'm trying to improve some of my others behaviors too so that I can be more loving toward my friends and and to give them the support they want from me. I really want to be able to be the kind of friend that people can count on when they need a friend to be there for them.
I talked to Frank today and it sounds like he is having such a great time in Palm Springs. I like this man and I know you know I have some fear about how to pursue a relationship. I trust you and I am trying hard to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what might be or trying to figure out what he may want from our friendship or if he wants something more than something casual. I'm giving it over to you...and yes I know that I take it back and then give it back to you again!! :) I'm trying though... thank you for being patient with me and helping me learn that you know what's best. I just want to be me, not some made-up guy that I think others might like.

I bought a new composition book today to record thought and stuff that come to me. I might write to you in there too but will continue to record as much as I can here. I don't why I am or what purpose you may have for me recording them here too...it just feels like something you want me to do and so I continue.

Thanks for loving me so much!

Give my love to my dad, I wonder if he keeps an eye on me? I think he does. Its weird huh that he came to be with you when he was just a little older than me...seems like so long ago. I dunno why I was just thinking about that?

Well I'm off for now. Have a good night :@) Oh, will you keep an eye on T and E tonight? I hope they're safe.

Love

M

wednesday 9/16

Dear G,
Thanks again for letting me be of service last night taking those guys to a meeting. I was hoping T would want to come again tonight but that wasn't how it played out. It's in your hands. Please keep them in your grace and let me be of service however i can.
I was a little clouded today...kinda like the weather :) Overcast, drizzly and the a downpour...well actually I was just overcast. I feel so close to you these days though today I felt a little less so... perhaps I was trying to get my will in there somehow...I wasn't feeling discontent, jealous, resentful...just not as connected today.
That I trust in you and believe you love me has made the greatest change for me - I feel so free. I feel like I can let go of things easier. Its like I finally get the 3rd step...lol!
There is one thing that I'm struggling with letting go of...my fears regarding going back to teaching. I know it is what you want me to do...it's what I want to do too! I've been using the excuse that I haven't had the money to pay for my application and the exams that I need to take to complete my file for the state. We both know that theses are just excuses...so I wonder what fear is holding me back? If you could I could use some clarity.
I got a scholarship to go to Cloudland Canyon this year!!! I'm really grateful that I'm going to be able to go and I was also asked to help plan the meals...well the desserts and snacks actually - my forte, right? LOL. Thanks for the chance to do some service! And the opportunity to go on this retreat!
Well tha'ts all for now, hope all is well and my love to Jesus!
xox
Monty

thursday 9/10

Dear G,
How are things with you today? Thanks for giving the insights on selfishness this morning...ya know when I made that fudge last night I was just thinking mmmm something sweet! And this morning when I slpit it into thirds I was just thiking I was going to get my fair share!! Just like when I was using, I never wanted to share my stash...but I sure wanted my share of someone else's...old habits take a long time to change.
HEY! let me ask ya this...when I asked for some clarification yesterday about dating...remember? And then I get this call from Frank today (that good looking guy I met at the "So ya think you can dance" fundraiser)! Here's the funny part...when I saw the call from him I just called him right back and we had this real comfortable casual conversation. And then, afterward, I listened to his voice mail about wanting to flirt and put the moves on...right? Somehow I think if I had listen to that voice mail first the tenor of the conversation might have been different, forced not real. Not much of a coincidence huh? Here's what I think you want me to do...trust you! :) Refocus on cleaning house, helping others, don't get high and go to meetings!
Help me so I don't over analyze what you say to me or how you say it! And, help me to remember to keep it simple...right? :)

Love
M