my brother

I guess you know all about what's been happening around here the last couple days but, can I just tell you from my perspective?
So, I'm at work and Kris calls (you remember her right? the woman who comes and takes care of mom while I'm at work?) well, anyway, she calls and says my brother had called and she found Mom crying..And I'm thinking...what now? So she tells me that he told Mom how he's got no where to go, and how's he's burned all his bridges and he's got no money and even his own brothers don't like him anymore. You know how many times he's called with one sob story after another...it breaks her heart and as a mom she just wants to do something. So she told him to come over and get a warm shower and that she and he would figure something out. So Kris calls a couple shelters and finds a place for him for last night. Then she calls me and tells me he's on his way over. Sadly I'm suspect and tell her to please don't leave him alone with mom and please don't leave him alone in my bedroom...cuz I'm thinking he's going to steal something (again). But then I told Kris to go into my closet and find the new red hoodie I bought and the only jeans I can think of that are big enough and long enough are those Abercromie jeans and though I'm not feeling it I tell her to give him those and a clean pair of socks. He comes over, I'm at work having anxiety meltdown,  and takes a warm shower and puts on the clean clothes and leaves to go to the shelter. When I got home Kris tells me that she has told him that there is a solution, that he's not bad just sick and he doesn't have to do it alone. Well she thinks he "heard" her. Funny how you can tell someone the same thing over and over...but then a stranger says it and it makes sense!
Today Jim calls me to...thank me for the clothes and tell me how sorry he is and how much of an idiot he's been! And, that he's been to a 12 step meeting!!!! Granted it wasn't an AA meeting (it was a 12 steps to Jesus Christ meeting...arrrggghhh) but it AS a meeting and it did involve a spiritual path and 12 steps and most inportantly he didn't use today and admitted he had been using. Something he has NEVER done before. I told him I love him and how brave he is for calling. I told him that the peace he's looking for is there but it's not easy work....but I believe he can do it!
So I'm trying hard to take it as it comes, to believe him and love him and support him. I'm not willing yet to let him come stay with us or give him money... but thank you for getting him in the door. His seat is in there and with some courage and hard work he may live to help another addict. But for today he helped this one make it another 24 hours...which is still a miracle. Thanks for listening...if you have anymore feedback just drop me a line! Say hi to the angels.

M

Wallpaper

coincidence is not destiny 10/2/11

How are you? I need you feedback on something. A friend of mine has started using again. I know you know who but I feel so helpless and wish I could do something. I know the first thing to do is be vigilant with my own sobriety. It's a precious gift and I keep that in the front of my mind. The similarities between where he is and where I am are so close though. He would have celebrated 6 yrs had he not given up. You know he took care of his Gran and she lived with him..like mom and I! I know, I know...coincidence...but it scares me. Perhaps where we differ is not so obvious, I sometimes think he felt kinda sorry for himself because so many of his friends in Atlanta left him out when he was lonely or needing help. I'm so removed living in another state that I don't see the potential for resentment...I mean I wouldn't expect my friends to drive 6 hours to help me. Another thing is that I'ved moved around enough to know that people don't mean to let ya down but we're all human and people just kinda get wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes the lines of communication just wear out or become less frequent. Real friends are always there and while they might want to help sometimes just don't have the right skills to be of service...doesn't mean they don't care. I guess the bottom line is the idea of expectations and resentments...they go hand in hand.

Well I gotta turn in, I have to get up super early to work. Love ya so much, and if ya think of something else let me know. Thanks for being you!

Love,
M

12/10 Thursday

Dear G,
I've been dealing with family issues over the last month and it seems I haven't found anytime to write...I've missed that! I'm grateful that some how through all this I've stayed clean! Thank you for the opportunity to learn what I've had the chance to learn. Since my mom was in the accident back in October..is it that long ago??...I've been through alot of growth. I was real happy for her when she got to go back home in November...but then she got bad again and that's when it got tough. It was hard for me to find out that my own brother had been stealing from her while she was in the hospital the second time! And then I understood what you wanted me to learn! I'm not sure when it happened..but during one of my visits to her I realized that he was not any different from me when I was using. I did some things I was pretty ashamed for, lying, manipulating it wasn't so much different then his stealing. Sure, I may have "asked" her for money..but I know  that the reasons I was asking for money were all lies..not much different really..except maybe I was more clever than he is now...ya sure!!! I'm grateful that I've finally got to apologize for all the deception, grateful too that I have been given the chance to make right so many of my wrongs. I'm grateful too that I get the chance to carry the message to my brother.
He's sick ya know and it must be almost impossible for him to hear me...through all the shame, guilt and resentment. I would have had the same problem hearing!! I know you know how long of a drive it is to visit her. I have alot of time during those drives...thank you for helping me to stay focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and the reason for my trips. I guess I've grown up over the last 3 years. I don't resent having to drive 500 miles even if it's only for the day! I'm lucky I hav a car that gets me there and back. And, itunes! Lol...what would I do without the music or more importantly the hours of speakers I get to hear!!! Ya know what is the funniest thing? Managing mom's money! I mean, was that your idea of a joke or what? Somehow I've done it though. Paid her bills, called the mortgage company, utilities, bank...just like an adult! Haha!
She's coming home this weekend to her house. I'm picking her up from the physical rehab center on Saturday morning and taking her home...she seems happy to know that I'm driving down to get her. I have some fear about whether my brother will help her during the week..but I'll go back down for Christmas weekend. All I know is that I have no control over what happens...that's all up to you! I do know that at any given second I can be the son I'm suppose to be. At any second I can be the brother I'm suppose to be. And I know that I don't have to use or drink to get through it.
If you can, will you send my brother some extra love. If it's your will could you please help him to hear. Please also watch over my friends and the folks I work with over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are harder for some than others. Say hi to the angels and Jesus.
love M

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

tuesday 10/6

Dear G,
Thanks for such a rich day...lol...ok so it was kinda tough. But at the end of it I am pretty grateful for having the chance to learn something about myself and to let go of some anger...better even that I recognized it as anger. Specifically that I was angry because someone was not playing by my rules. Even now it makes me smile.

It's hard sometime growing up in my 50's, trying to put right and wrong into perspective. Trying to behave like an adult instead of a child. Making the right next move instead of pouting because I didn't get my way. I wonder why I wanted to wait so long? I wanted to ask why you let me wait so long, but I know that it was my decision, right? And I still have more choices...one of which is the choice to use again. Perhaps not a great choice but a choice nonetheless. I have the choice every day to wake up and be grateful for the things in my life; my family, my sobriety, my friends. I have the choice to help someone else or myself, the choice to embrace faith or fear, the choice to accept things as they are or wrestle to impose my will. You've given me lots of room for choice and the free will to exercise that choice! You given me lots of love when I didn't know you were there...when I was real lost and given up on you. That's very cool and though I wish I could show you all my appreciation now, I know, you're offering me as much time as I need...hopefully the rest of my life.

I guess you know that I've been struggling with what you want me to do to be of service. I don't think you want me to manage a tanning salon, though I do believe that you wanted me here for a reason...other than this awesome tan! :) So I'm wondering if you might be able to give me some clarity, some understanding as to what you might like me to do next? If someone asked me? I guess I would tell them to do the first right thing and the next right thing will come...

Thanks for the wonderful visit I had with Frank! He's a great guy! If it's your will :)
Thanks for helping Amanda over the last couple of days I'm sure it would have been super hard without you! If you could please help Boston Tommy I'm sure he needs you.
And if you could look in on my brother Jim that would be great!

Thanks for all the love today...and the chance to laugh! My love to my Dad too!
M