thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

monday night 9/29

Dear G,
How was you day? Thanks for another day that was more smiles than frowns. I was thinking earlier tonight if there are things you remember that I don't? I guess you remember everything don't you? Sometimes I remember stuff that I'm not very proud of and other times some really funny things. I think it's all good..I mean it's stuff that got me here today. I figure that since I put all my trust into you that whatever reason you got me to today that it's a good enough reason for you then it sure as hell should be good enough for me. I don't think it's like just one thing you want me to do but rather a journey of things you want me to be a part of...and that journey isn't one I'm making alone but one that I'm making with others. Some I travel with for a while and others I just pass or cross paths with. I think too that some of these folks you want me to help and some of these people you want to help me. If I deny these people the help they are suppose to provide then it's possible that they may not learn something they are suppose to learn and I might also miss a lesson I'm suppose to understand! so there is a symbiotic nature to our being together.
I was thinking about the 2nd step "came to believe" and the idea of sanity...my sober life has not been a linear sort of movement...sanity-wise. Some days I feel pretty sane and other days less so. Its like I've learned that it is contingent on my spiritual program. I heard a guy say tonight that all his life he's been looking to fit in - from coast to coast..the swankiest to the grungiest and never felt like he belonged until he sat down in a plastic chair in a room lit with fluorescent lights with a bunch of people he didn't know and talked about a spiritual life. It makes perfect sense to me...lol.
That's all I got tonight. If you have time can you check in on Tom and Enrique..make sure they're ok? And Terri's little boy..he might have the flu. And Rudra's little girl Liam and her family. And if you could, would you mind watching out for my brother Jim?
Thanks for keeping me sane today and from using! Thanks too for loving me so much! Love to all the Angels!
xo
M