2 days ago
Showing posts with label serenity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serenity. Show all posts
coincidence is not destiny 10/2/11
How are you? I need you feedback on something. A friend of mine has started using again. I know you know who but I feel so helpless and wish I could do something. I know the first thing to do is be vigilant with my own sobriety. It's a precious gift and I keep that in the front of my mind. The similarities between where he is and where I am are so close though. He would have celebrated 6 yrs had he not given up. You know he took care of his Gran and she lived with him..like mom and I! I know, I know...coincidence...but it scares me. Perhaps where we differ is not so obvious, I sometimes think he felt kinda sorry for himself because so many of his friends in Atlanta left him out when he was lonely or needing help. I'm so removed living in another state that I don't see the potential for resentment...I mean I wouldn't expect my friends to drive 6 hours to help me. Another thing is that I'ved moved around enough to know that people don't mean to let ya down but we're all human and people just kinda get wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes the lines of communication just wear out or become less frequent. Real friends are always there and while they might want to help sometimes just don't have the right skills to be of service...doesn't mean they don't care. I guess the bottom line is the idea of expectations and resentments...they go hand in hand.Love,
M
Serenity for me 1/2
Dear G,
Thank you for seeing me into a new year! I wonder sometimes how long I could go if I thought you weren't there. I've been floundering over the past few months. I guess you know that! And, I've got to the point that I feel like shit. I need your help...I don't want to feel this way and I know what I need to do to stop feeling so icky but I can't seem to find the strength to change. For a bit it was because I was busy trying to help my mom. But now I realize that I have lost my connection with you. I lost my peace of mind and I almost feel that I'm in the midst of a dry drunk. Ya know what I mean...isolating, missing meetings and not writing to you regularly. But it's a new year and I want that serenity back! I want to feel that connection again. I know that you have been patiently waiting for me to take some action. I got up this morning and was planning to go to the 10 am meeting but I slept late and missed it, well, I guess I coulda just got dressed and got there on time but I wanted to take a shower and ya know I think I had some fear! Maybe I was afraid that people would say.."where ya been?" afraid that someone would judge me on my lack of attendance at meeting or say some sarcastic comment. I know that my fear are all my addict self trying to keep me away and that it goes back to low self-esteem, self acceptance...self, self, self. I get it! My trouble stasts when I get caught in ME! Please help me...I don't believe that I'm going to use today but I also know that if I don't put the tools into my routine that I will continue to feel this way! I'm at a loss.
I'm going to do what I know you want me to do..to reconnect, to stop feeling sorry for myself and refocus my energy on my sobriety.
x
Monty
Thank you for seeing me into a new year! I wonder sometimes how long I could go if I thought you weren't there. I've been floundering over the past few months. I guess you know that! And, I've got to the point that I feel like shit. I need your help...I don't want to feel this way and I know what I need to do to stop feeling so icky but I can't seem to find the strength to change. For a bit it was because I was busy trying to help my mom. But now I realize that I have lost my connection with you. I lost my peace of mind and I almost feel that I'm in the midst of a dry drunk. Ya know what I mean...isolating, missing meetings and not writing to you regularly. But it's a new year and I want that serenity back! I want to feel that connection again. I know that you have been patiently waiting for me to take some action. I got up this morning and was planning to go to the 10 am meeting but I slept late and missed it, well, I guess I coulda just got dressed and got there on time but I wanted to take a shower and ya know I think I had some fear! Maybe I was afraid that people would say.."where ya been?" afraid that someone would judge me on my lack of attendance at meeting or say some sarcastic comment. I know that my fear are all my addict self trying to keep me away and that it goes back to low self-esteem, self acceptance...self, self, self. I get it! My trouble stasts when I get caught in ME! Please help me...I don't believe that I'm going to use today but I also know that if I don't put the tools into my routine that I will continue to feel this way! I'm at a loss.
I'm going to do what I know you want me to do..to reconnect, to stop feeling sorry for myself and refocus my energy on my sobriety.
x
Monty
sunday 9/13
Dear G,
Thanks for getting helping me see what you wanted me to see! I was talking to Gigi today and I told her how much trust I have in you. And how much you love me! I'm so grateful I get it! I know that it isn't something I'm going to understand 24/7 but that I know now makes getting back to that consciousness so much easier. It's like when I learned to ride a bike or knew that I was an addict...the first few times without training wheels were hard, but eventually it got easier.
It feels good too! And ya know what else...is that since I recognized what was wrong, what I was missing - the service commitment, home group, step work - and then took some action? Wow! Thank you!!
Tomorrow is Gigi's 17th year! Outstanding! I'm real lucky to have her in my life, and I know she feels the same, I mean I know it! Having a sponsor is such a wonderful gift, not as wonderful as having Eric...well different cause I love them both.
Writing to you has made such a big difference for me, I wish I could get everyone to do this but I understand that everyone has to find their own way of talking to you and that this is one that works for me. It gives me some time to think about my relationship with you and to put things out there for you to see where I am and guide me in the direction of your will :)
If you have some extra time will you look in on Amanda I think she's having some trouble with her meds and could use some extra love and comfort from you. Thanks! And I could use some guidance on how to manage my finances. I wanted to go visit my mom next weekend but I've overdrawn my account. I had a good 6 weeks of being responsible and then got distracted. Thanks again :)
Love always
M
Thanks for getting helping me see what you wanted me to see! I was talking to Gigi today and I told her how much trust I have in you. And how much you love me! I'm so grateful I get it! I know that it isn't something I'm going to understand 24/7 but that I know now makes getting back to that consciousness so much easier. It's like when I learned to ride a bike or knew that I was an addict...the first few times without training wheels were hard, but eventually it got easier.
It feels good too! And ya know what else...is that since I recognized what was wrong, what I was missing - the service commitment, home group, step work - and then took some action? Wow! Thank you!!
Tomorrow is Gigi's 17th year! Outstanding! I'm real lucky to have her in my life, and I know she feels the same, I mean I know it! Having a sponsor is such a wonderful gift, not as wonderful as having Eric...well different cause I love them both.
Writing to you has made such a big difference for me, I wish I could get everyone to do this but I understand that everyone has to find their own way of talking to you and that this is one that works for me. It gives me some time to think about my relationship with you and to put things out there for you to see where I am and guide me in the direction of your will :)
If you have some extra time will you look in on Amanda I think she's having some trouble with her meds and could use some extra love and comfort from you. Thanks! And I could use some guidance on how to manage my finances. I wanted to go visit my mom next weekend but I've overdrawn my account. I had a good 6 weeks of being responsible and then got distracted. Thanks again :)
Love always
M
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