wednesday 9/30

I thought I'd send you a quick note before I go to bed...thanks for such a good day...I'm still not adjusted to my new meds and I still get a little spacey around lunch time. But overall I had a great day and I'm super grateful for having so much to smile about! Yesterday I wrote to you about the roadblocks to faith and I was giving some thought to prejudice. I was thinking that it's a concept that means I think I'm better than someone else, or that what I beleive is smarter or better than what someone else believes. It makes me to be an intolerant man which leads me to be mean and hateful. I don't believe you want me to be either of these things. If I'm fair, tolerant and respectful of ideas or beliefs different from mine I expand my faith. I don't think it means that I have to embrace hate or bigotry..but I think I can challenge it in a respectful manner. I believe that is how you would act if you ran into some dumb ass bias behavior.

It all comes down to me not hating..right?

I'm going to bed...but if ya get a chance would you check in on those kids who are cold and lonely tonight? Could you send some extra love to some of the old people who have no family to care for them? And if you have any extra time could you comfort my friends who are feeling sad tonight? I love you....xx to the little angels tonight :)

M

tuesday 9/29

Dear G,

Thanks for a good day...for getting to see and hear my friends today and tonight. I was talking to someone today and I was struck with the fact that my friend was laughing about something and that I had not just made a joke. I noticed that he had been reading a text (and perhaps not listening to what I was saying???) and I asked what was funny. He then shared some gossip about 2 friends of his. I was bothered by a couple of things but after a minute I realized that I was most bothered by the fact that I was guilty of the same type of behavior (the gossip). Lately I've noticed that I'm more tuned into inappropriate behaviors that I exhibit myself! I wonder do you put these behaviors in front of me so that I might be more conscious of my own character defects? I suspect that is the case. Tonight I didn't judge my friend...well alright I did momentarily...progress not perfection, right?...but what was remarkable was that I practiced restraint (it's true!!) and thought, instead, about why I was uneasy with his behavior. Teeny, tiny baby steps some days...right?

I was talking earlier today with Frank and he told me the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance. I've been deconstructing fancied self-sufficiency... fancied could mean preferred or fictitious (preferred might be ok but fictitious...hmmmm) and self-sufficient leads to arrogant, closed, conceited, doing one's own thing, egotistic, haughty, independent, individual, on one's own, out for number one, self-confident, self-dependent, self-sufficing, self-supported, self-supporting, self-sustained, self-sustaining, smug....ewwwww....so no bueno! My conclusion on this 'roadblock'..not good...I see the word SELF and that means to me that I've taken you out. And, whenever I've done that in the past I have ended up in a not so good place. The truth is I can't do any of this alone. Nothing! Without you and my family and my friends I'm fucked up! I guess I'll spend some time on indifference and prejudice and defiance later...I'm going to hit the sack...

Thanks for loving me so much...and for the lessons I got to learn today!

love you

M

monday night 9/29

Dear G,
How was you day? Thanks for another day that was more smiles than frowns. I was thinking earlier tonight if there are things you remember that I don't? I guess you remember everything don't you? Sometimes I remember stuff that I'm not very proud of and other times some really funny things. I think it's all good..I mean it's stuff that got me here today. I figure that since I put all my trust into you that whatever reason you got me to today that it's a good enough reason for you then it sure as hell should be good enough for me. I don't think it's like just one thing you want me to do but rather a journey of things you want me to be a part of...and that journey isn't one I'm making alone but one that I'm making with others. Some I travel with for a while and others I just pass or cross paths with. I think too that some of these folks you want me to help and some of these people you want to help me. If I deny these people the help they are suppose to provide then it's possible that they may not learn something they are suppose to learn and I might also miss a lesson I'm suppose to understand! so there is a symbiotic nature to our being together.
I was thinking about the 2nd step "came to believe" and the idea of sanity...my sober life has not been a linear sort of movement...sanity-wise. Some days I feel pretty sane and other days less so. Its like I've learned that it is contingent on my spiritual program. I heard a guy say tonight that all his life he's been looking to fit in - from coast to coast..the swankiest to the grungiest and never felt like he belonged until he sat down in a plastic chair in a room lit with fluorescent lights with a bunch of people he didn't know and talked about a spiritual life. It makes perfect sense to me...lol.
That's all I got tonight. If you have time can you check in on Tom and Enrique..make sure they're ok? And Terri's little boy..he might have the flu. And Rudra's little girl Liam and her family. And if you could, would you mind watching out for my brother Jim?
Thanks for keeping me sane today and from using! Thanks too for loving me so much! Love to all the Angels!
xo
M

looking in...

It's not really about looking out is it? I find that if I wanna get anywhere I have to look inward first...just a thought, right?

sunday night 9/27

I'm procrastinating and thought it was better if I took some time to say hi to you then use my time doing something that wasn't as fruitful. Thanks for a great day! I'm glad I got to teach today and grateful that I could share what I know with someone else. Thanks too for the chance to catch up with Terri and Eric...I'm lucky that I get to have them in my life. If you get a chance will you check in on Terri's little boy who has the flu? And also if you could check in on that little girl that Rudra helps...I know she is real sick and might be leaving here so I pray that her family gets a chance to share their love with her before she dies!

Gigi has me working a 4th step on my financial insecurities..the aformentioned procrastination...right? I don't feel like I'm afraid to look at it, but why else am I dragging my butt? There are only like 18 questions and I've written them all down, so now it is just working through them...one at a time like everything else I guess! BTW don't think I'm not smart enough to know that you're giving me the opportunity to learn financial responsibility! It's like when I use to ask you to give me patience so you would put me in a traffic jam...funny! So I realized that I put a note in my god box for help...hang on I gotta go look....oh yeah..."financial irresponsibility" ...lol! I have got to find a better way to give this stuff to you ....
Thank you for loving me so much and for taking the time to guide me. I still have fear but not as much these days. All I have to do is stay in the moment, here with you there is nothing to fear. Fear is in the future, resentment is in the past - two places I have no business hanging out in! No fun!
Thanks forgiving me something to laugh about today...please help others to laugh more too!!! It feels so fucking good...right?

Love you,

M

ps - how come you have so many names? is it just to make it easier for everyone to connect with you the way they need to? just curious..   :)

sunday 9/27

pretty simple stuff....

saturday 9/26

How are you? Thank you for the skill to read and write...cuz I got some writing to do today!  I started taking a new medication today and I think coming off of the last and going on to the new has had some unexpected bitchiness! Here's what I know though...whenever I find myself behaving in a way that I don't think you would... then it's time for a gratitude list..woo hoo! Today I'm grateful for;

1. you
2. my sobriety
3. my health
4. my mom
5. my sponsee
6. my sponsor
   
7. my job (though it isn't the job I want..I'm grateful I have one!)
8. my car
9. my house
10. my friends - starting with Chandler and Warren
11. the chance to do service
12. the chance to have a spiritual awakening
13. my creativity
14. my smile
15. my cooking talents
16. fudge - it's true 

These are just the beginning but I think I get it...there is so many things that make people unhappy and sometimes I get into a funk and even then you love me. Thank you for the gifts you send my way and even more the times when I pray for something that you don't send my way cuz you have something else that will be better for me! I can't even imagine where I might be today if you had let me have everything I prayed for...right??  Thanks!
I love you and trust you in a way that I didn't even appreciate was possible. I have always known you were there and most days knew that you loved me but there were days that I didn't. Sorry about those days that I ignored you  cuz I was all wrapped in me...and whats so cool is that you never left, you just waited until I was ready to reach out to you again...that kind of love is humbling for certain! 
Well that's all I got tonight... give my love to Jesus and the Angels :)

love you
Monty

friday 9/25

Good morning and WOW! Thank you for the message this morning! I was feeling so overwhelmed financially, I hate living paycheck to paycheck cuz I feel so out of control...that any little thing can turn everything upside down. My world is so unmanageable..Hmmm??? I thought I was making some progress a few weeks ago, but then Roundup happened and I threw myself into a financial hole! I really could not afford the hotel and the extra expenses involved with that :( !! Then I had to have my car fixed which there was no money for either. Today after I paid rent there was like nothing left... I was sitting here wondering how am I going to pay for gas and my car insurance and pay phone and food..and I was starting to feel real bad...real bad!
I came to my room and I was reading my 24hr book and got your message. I realized, then and there, that I had a spiritual experience! I found that regardless of the anxiety I had felt moments before that I was ok...that I could find peace in your arms. I continue to gradually understand just how much you love me. I understand that I can find peace in this mess...with you!
I'm grateful that you comfort me and watch out for me even when I'm not conscious that you're around. I'm grateful that you love me unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...though I love you with all my heart.
I know that I don't have to lie or cheat or steal anymore to have my needs taken care of, that somehow you'll figure it out. All I have to do is trust you. I'm very grateful that I can hear you so clearly today!
Thanks for lifting me up today!
x
M

complacency 9/22

Dear G,
Today I was feeling a little complacent. Oops my bad...thank you for helping me make it through today. I'm trying to stay active in my life, trying to remember to be thankful for what gifts I've gotten. I'm listening more to what message I think you send to me in whatever form it seems to take. Thank you for my eyesight. Thanks for saving me from some fucked up crazy end...drunk driving or OD'ing on some high...right? I'm so grateful to be alive today.
It's weird isn't it, or funny or something, (well maybe not to you) that the simple act of being grateful for what I have removes barriers that might normally get in my way of peace. Suddenly my complacency is barely a memory. Of course having ADHD and more than a couple burned out brain cells helps, right? It's a simple act, remembering gratitude, and then poof...so many other things don't matter.
I don't think I mentioned I spoke to Terri the other day. It's great she gets to do something she really loves and is excited about doing. She really sounds happy (hey T) and I bet she's really good at sharing what she knows...thanks for helping her find her niche! She's a good woman and I'm real grateful I get to have her in my life...she seems to get me or at least lets me know she loves me unconditionally...which is very cool!
I've been doing some research into a different ADHD med which is speed based. The strattera just doesn't seem to be doing the job. I drift off still in the middle of conversation, I don't feel any more motivated than when I don't take it and so I'm going to talk to Dr Cox to see what he thinks. He might feel hesitant about me trying one of the speed based alternatives but I liked barbs and sedatives anything that would slow me down so that I could think...so much goes on in my head at one time it can be overwhelming! Anyway I've talked to my sponsor, my roommates, and I'm talking about it at meetings too. I'm not afraid that I'll go crazy but if you have an opinion feel free to weigh in :)
Well I think I'm going to read for a bit. Thanks for being there with me today, sorry if I ignored ya a couple minutes when I was getting pissy about work stuff...it was real insignificant I know. Thanks for loving me so much!
x
Monty

peace 9/20

I wonder sometimes what people with no faith believe in? what will happen to them when all their friends, lovers and family are gone...ya think maybe then they might start to believe in something?

saturday 9/19

Dear G, 

I guess you might be wondering what's up with the doors huh? They're symbolic of  a new way of thinking for me, a new way of doing and a new way to for me to get closer to you. Thanks for giving me the chance to express my feelings through these words and images. None of the images are pictures I've taken (yet) and I believe that the original artists would allow me to use them for my growth and expression of faith. Thank you too for the chance to help Rob with his move today. I feel good knowing that I can commit to helping someone and then follow through. I was always more interested in meeting my own needs... its such a change from the way I use to be. I'm trying to improve some of my others behaviors too so that I can be more loving toward my friends and and to give them the support they want from me. I really want to be able to be the kind of friend that people can count on when they need a friend to be there for them.
I talked to Frank today and it sounds like he is having such a great time in Palm Springs. I like this man and I know you know I have some fear about how to pursue a relationship. I trust you and I am trying hard to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what might be or trying to figure out what he may want from our friendship or if he wants something more than something casual. I'm giving it over to you...and yes I know that I take it back and then give it back to you again!! :) I'm trying though... thank you for being patient with me and helping me learn that you know what's best. I just want to be me, not some made-up guy that I think others might like.

I bought a new composition book today to record thought and stuff that come to me. I might write to you in there too but will continue to record as much as I can here. I don't why I am or what purpose you may have for me recording them here too...it just feels like something you want me to do and so I continue.

Thanks for loving me so much!

Give my love to my dad, I wonder if he keeps an eye on me? I think he does. Its weird huh that he came to be with you when he was just a little older than me...seems like so long ago. I dunno why I was just thinking about that?

Well I'm off for now. Have a good night :@) Oh, will you keep an eye on T and E tonight? I hope they're safe.

Love

M

9/18 friday

Dear G,
How are you today? It's been a great day for me even with life and it's challenges being there. It's funny how sometimes life presents so many opportunities for anxiety, like today and most of it didn't get me to worked up! Thanks for helping me get things more on track lately...going to more meeting, writing to you everyday, staying closer to my  sponsor and sponsee have really made the difference. Thanks for helping me understand more about the concept of letting go! Life is so much easier letting you deal with some of this crap...at least you know what to do with it, right?! :)
I was reading about feeling vs doing and the whole notion of, what I'm feeling isn't what I'm doing! The idea that I might be feeling shitty but going to a meeting. The going to a meeting part is not shitty, it's good. The feeling going into the meeting might still be shitty...might even be shitty coming out, who knows. So the feeling doesn't have to affect what I'm doing. Conversely what I'm doing can affect what it is I'm feeling...if I'm doing all crappy things it won't take long before I actually feel like crap too!
The transition spiritually for me has happened without me even trying (consciously anyway). My attitude about spirituality, my understanding of you and the relationship between you and I has been so remarkably subtle and yet the outcome has been so significant. It's hard for me at this point to explain it to someone else but I know you get it!
Thanks for helping me "get it", for showing me the way that worked for me. Thanks for loving me that much!

Love
M

Come in

wednesday 9/16

Dear G,
Thanks again for letting me be of service last night taking those guys to a meeting. I was hoping T would want to come again tonight but that wasn't how it played out. It's in your hands. Please keep them in your grace and let me be of service however i can.
I was a little clouded today...kinda like the weather :) Overcast, drizzly and the a downpour...well actually I was just overcast. I feel so close to you these days though today I felt a little less so... perhaps I was trying to get my will in there somehow...I wasn't feeling discontent, jealous, resentful...just not as connected today.
That I trust in you and believe you love me has made the greatest change for me - I feel so free. I feel like I can let go of things easier. Its like I finally get the 3rd step...lol!
There is one thing that I'm struggling with letting go of...my fears regarding going back to teaching. I know it is what you want me to do...it's what I want to do too! I've been using the excuse that I haven't had the money to pay for my application and the exams that I need to take to complete my file for the state. We both know that theses are just excuses...so I wonder what fear is holding me back? If you could I could use some clarity.
I got a scholarship to go to Cloudland Canyon this year!!! I'm really grateful that I'm going to be able to go and I was also asked to help plan the meals...well the desserts and snacks actually - my forte, right? LOL. Thanks for the chance to do some service! And the opportunity to go on this retreat!
Well tha'ts all for now, hope all is well and my love to Jesus!
xox
Monty

tuesday 9/15

Dear G,
Thanks for letting me help T, or at least for putting me in his path (or him in mine)so I could take him to a meeting. If you could give him a little extra TLC while he gets his feet back on solid ground (or whatever you think is right..)? Thanks!
Thanks, too, for helping Eric and the idea for him to start a 4th step on relationships..I'm certain we'll both learning something from it! Please help me be the friend I need to be so that I can be of max service!
I'm really enjoying my conversations with Frank and learning alot about myself and my defects related to relationships..and letting go of fear. He's real easy to talk to maybe because he live in Miami??
I'm getting a much clearer picture about my recovery and purpose. I had a chance to take two new comers to a meeting. I hope you can help them find some serenity and if its your will I hope they can both get clean!! Of course I will be of any help you want! :)
Thanks for such an awesome day...it was fun!
Monty

sunday 9/13

Dear G,
Thanks for getting helping me see what you wanted me to see! I was talking to Gigi today and I told her how much trust I have in you. And how much you love me! I'm so grateful I get it! I know that it isn't something I'm going to understand 24/7 but that I know now makes getting back to that consciousness so much easier. It's like when I learned to ride a bike or knew that I was an addict...the first few times without training wheels were hard, but eventually it got easier.
It feels good too! And ya know what else...is that since I recognized what was wrong, what I was missing - the service commitment, home group, step work - and then took some action? Wow! Thank you!!
Tomorrow is Gigi's 17th year! Outstanding! I'm real lucky to have her in my life, and I know she feels the same, I mean I know it! Having a sponsor is such a wonderful gift, not as wonderful as having Eric...well different cause I love them both.
Writing to you has made such a big difference for me, I wish I could get everyone to do this but I understand that everyone has to find their own way of talking to you and that this is one that works for me. It gives me some time to think about my relationship with you and to put things out there for you to see where I am and guide me in the direction of your will :)
If you have some extra time will you look in on Amanda I think she's having some trouble with her meds and could use some extra love and comfort from you. Thanks! And I could use some guidance on how to manage my finances. I wanted to go visit my mom next weekend but I've overdrawn my account. I had a good 6 weeks of being responsible and then got distracted. Thanks again :)

Love always
M

love 9/12

friday 9/11

Dear G,
Whats up today? Thanks for helping Warren reach another milestone today! 4 years!! Awesome! He is such a good friend though between the two of us...I wish he could find a sponsee - but I guess I need to keep the focus on my own program, huh?

So many folks talking about the anniversary of the WTC today...so tragic. I'm always sad when there are these kinds of tragedies and people ask why you let them happen. What they seem to forget is that you gave us free will and what we do with it is up to us. If we align it with your will, things go well but in the times of great tragedies it is the will of somebody who has chosen to ignore your will in favor of what their own will, certain to make for a mess, at least from my experience exercising my will, right?

Life in Atlanta goes on :). I'm finding it more challenging to feel motivated as of late. I have to remember to focus on my own program...trust you, clean house, help others...I believe my serenity goes up. I guess that's why I'm not feeling motivated and spiritually fit..I'm simply not doing enough for others and perhaps I need to do some heavy dusting...lol. I read this bit in the Grapevine, (Sept 2009/pg 49)

"I heard that I'd never drink if at any one time I could answer 4 questions:

1. Who's your sponsor?
2. What Step are you on?
3. Where's your home group?
4. Where's your service commitment?
   

Ooooohhhhh!!!!! looks like I found the chink in the armor - or rather you put the solution in front of me! If I only have a sponsor this is no bueno! So here's what I think you want me to do... I called Gigi and she set me to work on Step 10. I'm going to go to 3-4 meetings a week and find a home group, maybe Wed 7pm CMA? I always like that meeting and I'm going to get on board with next years HRU , the first meeting is the first Sunday in October. What do you think of that plan? I think it's sound and feels right. Let me know if you think otherwise, I'll do whatever you think, I trust your decision.

I'm going to wrap this up, but if you have a chance will you check in on Chandler? I think he's feeling maybe not so good. Oh and if ya know someone who needs a sponsor I'm available :)

Don't work too hard! Say hi to Jesus :)
Love you
M

thursday 9/10

Dear G,
How are things with you today? Thanks for giving the insights on selfishness this morning...ya know when I made that fudge last night I was just thinking mmmm something sweet! And this morning when I slpit it into thirds I was just thiking I was going to get my fair share!! Just like when I was using, I never wanted to share my stash...but I sure wanted my share of someone else's...old habits take a long time to change.
HEY! let me ask ya this...when I asked for some clarification yesterday about dating...remember? And then I get this call from Frank today (that good looking guy I met at the "So ya think you can dance" fundraiser)! Here's the funny part...when I saw the call from him I just called him right back and we had this real comfortable casual conversation. And then, afterward, I listened to his voice mail about wanting to flirt and put the moves on...right? Somehow I think if I had listen to that voice mail first the tenor of the conversation might have been different, forced not real. Not much of a coincidence huh? Here's what I think you want me to do...trust you! :) Refocus on cleaning house, helping others, don't get high and go to meetings!
Help me so I don't over analyze what you say to me or how you say it! And, help me to remember to keep it simple...right? :)

Love
M

hump day 9/9

Dear G,
Hey!! How are you today?? Before I get to far into this letter let me start by saying thank you! Thanks for helping me stay clean today :) I really have so many things to say thank you for and I rarely tell you homw grateful I am - I'm going to make a better effort going forward! Seriously!
I'm still focused on service. I think to be of service to you I need to be of service to my community, that is the recovery community. I need to be of service to my people, my gay family. I need to be of service locally to those who need education and to be of service to the greater good - to do my civic duty! I beleive that if someone needs my help and I help them then I am living the life you want me to live! If I am even a small example of how to live life on life's terms and make this place a better place than I am certain to feel good or at the very least better than doing nothing except serving my own needs...whew!!!
I need your help with something. I'm very confused about whether you want me to find a romantic relationship? I don't know if you're trying to guide me toward one or what. I trust you but I wonder what do you think? Let me know ok? I'm good either way...I just need some clarification.
I'm laying in bed and pretty tired so I'm going to turn in. Hope you have a good one. I'll write you tomorrow!

xo
M

tuesday 9/8

Dear G,
How are you today? Weather was beautiful here all weekend, thanks again! I'm stuck on ego still. Yesterday I was caught up on acceptance (self, worthiness) and today self esteem (more self different day...haha) I use to think that low self-esteem excluded me from the over-inflated club - but, I know now that whether I think  I'm better than everyone or less than everyone..I'm still thinking about ME!! What I'm learning is that if I think about others, do for others, help others...make it about others...my shit won't matter, right? As long as I trust you, clean house and help others my life can't help but get better.
I doubt I tell you this enough - but I trust you! That being said I honestly wonder how much trust I question every minute of every day, because if I truly trust you then I would know that because you love me I am important to you!!! Yet I still worry that you have so many more important things to take care of, things that really need your attention and that I should be able to deal with my tiny inconsequential problems and I don't want to trouble you! It's like I don't have faith that you can handle it ALL!! You the ultimate multi-tasker! Please believe that I am trying to expand my faith and trust.

As always,
M

after the roundup

Dear G,
I had the most beautiful weekend. The glbt recovery community hosted our annual round-up which officially ended today. It was an amazing event for so many people and there was a lot of opportunity for growth and reflection. There were speakers and workshops and meetings and entertainment and meals...so much to do in so few days. I met a lot of new men and women and the cool thing was that the attendance doubled from last year.
There was a woman speaker (truly all the speakers were awesome) who was incredible and you could just tell she loved you so much. She opened up her life to us and shared where she was in her life. I've learned that almost everything comes from someone else..ya know like quotes and inspirational sayings...but this woman said some things I hadn't heard before. She said when she was doing her 4th step she called her sponsor to say she was ready to do step 5 and her sponsor said  "did you do the first part?" and hung up!  This happened several times before she finally went to her sponsors house and asked her whats did she mean ..the first part??? She was reminded that step 5 says, Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. And...wow...I never admitted it to you or myself!
I lead a meeting on acceptance and I read from a Men's Meditation book about acceptance. I talked about accepting not only life on life's terms but, for me, the notion of accepting myself and, even bigger, the notion that I am accepted by others!! It's not as hard to accept things with which I haven't played a specific role; like 9/11 or a freeway accident. But it's a lot more challenging to accept something in which I was involved; like a failed job or relationship. I think the latter are those times when you want me to focus on accepting more than the former. It requires me to believe that you love me and that I am here to do your will. And it helps me to remember to keep my ego in check...to remember that it is NOT about me, but what I can do to help others. Thanks for all the gifts you gave me and to others this weekend. Thanks for helping me reach out to others and offer what I can to help them!
I'm wondering what it is you want me to do? Do you want me to teach? And I'm wondering too how come I can't learn how to have a healthy romantic relationship??? Am I tying too hard?
Well, I guess that's all I got today. Let me know if there is something you need for me to do.

Love
M