my brother

I guess you know all about what's been happening around here the last couple days but, can I just tell you from my perspective?
So, I'm at work and Kris calls (you remember her right? the woman who comes and takes care of mom while I'm at work?) well, anyway, she calls and says my brother had called and she found Mom crying..And I'm thinking...what now? So she tells me that he told Mom how he's got no where to go, and how's he's burned all his bridges and he's got no money and even his own brothers don't like him anymore. You know how many times he's called with one sob story after another...it breaks her heart and as a mom she just wants to do something. So she told him to come over and get a warm shower and that she and he would figure something out. So Kris calls a couple shelters and finds a place for him for last night. Then she calls me and tells me he's on his way over. Sadly I'm suspect and tell her to please don't leave him alone with mom and please don't leave him alone in my bedroom...cuz I'm thinking he's going to steal something (again). But then I told Kris to go into my closet and find the new red hoodie I bought and the only jeans I can think of that are big enough and long enough are those Abercromie jeans and though I'm not feeling it I tell her to give him those and a clean pair of socks. He comes over, I'm at work having anxiety meltdown,  and takes a warm shower and puts on the clean clothes and leaves to go to the shelter. When I got home Kris tells me that she has told him that there is a solution, that he's not bad just sick and he doesn't have to do it alone. Well she thinks he "heard" her. Funny how you can tell someone the same thing over and over...but then a stranger says it and it makes sense!
Today Jim calls me to...thank me for the clothes and tell me how sorry he is and how much of an idiot he's been! And, that he's been to a 12 step meeting!!!! Granted it wasn't an AA meeting (it was a 12 steps to Jesus Christ meeting...arrrggghhh) but it AS a meeting and it did involve a spiritual path and 12 steps and most inportantly he didn't use today and admitted he had been using. Something he has NEVER done before. I told him I love him and how brave he is for calling. I told him that the peace he's looking for is there but it's not easy work....but I believe he can do it!
So I'm trying hard to take it as it comes, to believe him and love him and support him. I'm not willing yet to let him come stay with us or give him money... but thank you for getting him in the door. His seat is in there and with some courage and hard work he may live to help another addict. But for today he helped this one make it another 24 hours...which is still a miracle. Thanks for listening...if you have anymore feedback just drop me a line! Say hi to the angels.

M

Wallpaper

financial insecurities 10/12/11

I'm thinking alot about fear today. Trying to figure out the role it has played to get me here today. You told me that fear lives in tomorrow and regret lives in yesterday and I need to live in today, beause in today there is no room for fear or regret. I get that!! But I'm wondering what can  I learn about the role of fear in my life before today. Were my decisons guided by fear? Did I decide to do one thing for fear of another? Or did my fear of either minimize my real choices until the choice was more or less made for. By that I mean if I had several choices and procrastinated did the option for choices dwindle until there was but one available? I still do that. My fear of what might happen paralyzes me from making anything happen until my lack of action forces something to happen. Obviously I make some choices but you know what I mean, right? Like financial decisions. I ignore the reponsibilities afraid of taking action that I fear will be too difficult until a late fee comes do or a collection agency calls or I lose something. Would you help me to overcome this behavior? I'm willing to take your suggestion and trust that you can get me through. I believe that you will guide me to make the right decision as long as I take action. If you have any other direction I hope you'll let me know...

Please help my sister/friend Kris with the things she needs from you. Protect her on this journey. Please send extra love to her mother who has her own suffering and help her find the peace you give me especially when I least expect it. Thanks for letting me spend this time with mom. Oh, and if ya have the time can you look in on my friend Jason who's trying to find the focus to move from NYC to Asheville, it's gotta be challenging and scary to leave a home that you've held for so many years, even when you know it's a good thing. Also check in on his sister Mary Celeste who I don't know but you do. Thanks so much for your help with all this. Hope this letter finds you well! I'll be in touch soon.

Love, M

coincidence is not destiny 10/2/11

How are you? I need you feedback on something. A friend of mine has started using again. I know you know who but I feel so helpless and wish I could do something. I know the first thing to do is be vigilant with my own sobriety. It's a precious gift and I keep that in the front of my mind. The similarities between where he is and where I am are so close though. He would have celebrated 6 yrs had he not given up. You know he took care of his Gran and she lived with him..like mom and I! I know, I know...coincidence...but it scares me. Perhaps where we differ is not so obvious, I sometimes think he felt kinda sorry for himself because so many of his friends in Atlanta left him out when he was lonely or needing help. I'm so removed living in another state that I don't see the potential for resentment...I mean I wouldn't expect my friends to drive 6 hours to help me. Another thing is that I'ved moved around enough to know that people don't mean to let ya down but we're all human and people just kinda get wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes the lines of communication just wear out or become less frequent. Real friends are always there and while they might want to help sometimes just don't have the right skills to be of service...doesn't mean they don't care. I guess the bottom line is the idea of expectations and resentments...they go hand in hand.

Well I gotta turn in, I have to get up super early to work. Love ya so much, and if ya think of something else let me know. Thanks for being you!

Love,
M

Serenity for me 1/2

Dear G,
Thank you for seeing me into a new year! I wonder sometimes how long I could go if I thought you weren't there. I've been floundering over the past few months. I guess you know that! And, I've got to the point that I feel like shit. I need your help...I don't want to feel this way and I know what I need to do to stop feeling so icky but I can't seem to find the strength to change. For a bit it was because I was busy trying to help my mom. But now I realize that I have lost my connection with you. I lost my peace of mind and I almost feel that I'm in the midst of a dry drunk. Ya know what I mean...isolating, missing meetings and not writing to you regularly. But it's a new year and I want that serenity back! I want to feel that connection again. I know that you have been patiently waiting for me to take some action. I got up this morning and was planning to go to the 10 am meeting but I slept late and missed it, well, I guess I coulda just got dressed and got there on time but I wanted to take a shower and ya know I think I had some fear! Maybe I was afraid that people would say.."where ya been?" afraid that someone would judge me on my lack of attendance at meeting or say some sarcastic comment. I know that my fear are all my addict self trying to keep me away and that it goes back to low self-esteem, self acceptance...self, self, self. I get it! My trouble stasts when I get caught in ME! Please help me...I don't believe that I'm going to use today but I also know that if I don't put the tools into my routine that I will continue to feel this way! I'm at a loss.
I'm going to do what I know you want me to do..to reconnect, to stop feeling sorry for myself and refocus my energy on my sobriety.

x
Monty

12/10 Thursday

Dear G,
I've been dealing with family issues over the last month and it seems I haven't found anytime to write...I've missed that! I'm grateful that some how through all this I've stayed clean! Thank you for the opportunity to learn what I've had the chance to learn. Since my mom was in the accident back in October..is it that long ago??...I've been through alot of growth. I was real happy for her when she got to go back home in November...but then she got bad again and that's when it got tough. It was hard for me to find out that my own brother had been stealing from her while she was in the hospital the second time! And then I understood what you wanted me to learn! I'm not sure when it happened..but during one of my visits to her I realized that he was not any different from me when I was using. I did some things I was pretty ashamed for, lying, manipulating it wasn't so much different then his stealing. Sure, I may have "asked" her for money..but I know  that the reasons I was asking for money were all lies..not much different really..except maybe I was more clever than he is now...ya sure!!! I'm grateful that I've finally got to apologize for all the deception, grateful too that I have been given the chance to make right so many of my wrongs. I'm grateful too that I get the chance to carry the message to my brother.
He's sick ya know and it must be almost impossible for him to hear me...through all the shame, guilt and resentment. I would have had the same problem hearing!! I know you know how long of a drive it is to visit her. I have alot of time during those drives...thank you for helping me to stay focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and the reason for my trips. I guess I've grown up over the last 3 years. I don't resent having to drive 500 miles even if it's only for the day! I'm lucky I hav a car that gets me there and back. And, itunes! Lol...what would I do without the music or more importantly the hours of speakers I get to hear!!! Ya know what is the funniest thing? Managing mom's money! I mean, was that your idea of a joke or what? Somehow I've done it though. Paid her bills, called the mortgage company, utilities, bank...just like an adult! Haha!
She's coming home this weekend to her house. I'm picking her up from the physical rehab center on Saturday morning and taking her home...she seems happy to know that I'm driving down to get her. I have some fear about whether my brother will help her during the week..but I'll go back down for Christmas weekend. All I know is that I have no control over what happens...that's all up to you! I do know that at any given second I can be the son I'm suppose to be. At any second I can be the brother I'm suppose to be. And I know that I don't have to use or drink to get through it.
If you can, will you send my brother some extra love. If it's your will could you please help him to hear. Please also watch over my friends and the folks I work with over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are harder for some than others. Say hi to the angels and Jesus.
love M

wednesday 11/11/09

Dear G,
Thank you for helping me understand that I have been selfish. Until Eric pointed out that the easiest way to finish step 4 was to go back to step 3 I truly believe I would have been stuck...well at least until the pain got to great...right? But that act of looking at my willingness, to acknowledge my self-centered fear and realizing that all I had to do was put my trust in you...has made such a difference. You know since my computer has been out of commission for the last week (?) the exercise in going back to hand written letters has been eye openning. I had to slow down and really commit to what I was writing..there was no opportunity for editting except to cross out the "mistakes" and re-write. But with this medium there is always the chance...whenever...to go back and change things. I wonder how many people who write electronically do just that...go back and re-write until they sound "smarter" or whatever?? Kinda funy to think about actually!
Anyway I just wanted to say hi! If you could would you please watch out for my mom, my brothers; Jim and John and my housemates Warren and Chandler. I love them all and want the best for them..whatever that best is! I love you.
Monty

Prayer 11/01

Thank you for all the great people you put in my life! I guess I never think that anyone really thinks much about me but I'm grateful when you put so many opportunities for me to see that people do care. I know that you love me but I guess sometimes I think that...well, you love everyone! It's humbling for me to see that there are people that I love, that love me back...I know that doesn't make the most sense, but somehow I know you know what I mean. I had so much fun today being with Eric, going to Philips and Pride..and to think I just wanted to stay at home. Thank you for getting me out of the house, to go out and be with people despite thinking no one would care if  I was there or not.

I'm trying to be more attentive to what I think your will for me is...I really don't care about how much money I make, I just want to have a job that makes me feel useful and helps me to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. LOL..of course I'd like it to be good food and a nice roof...but the rest is just logistics...right?

I'm thinking that maybe you feel it's time for me to get out of the tanning salon...I really don't enjoy trying to convince people that they need to spend $100 on lotion when the $40 lotion is good too! I like working with the girls at my salon but I can't understand why I can't teach them how to sell better? Why do some of the other stores succeed in sales where my store doesn't???

I'm just blathering tonight...and it seems like it is going nowhere at the moment. I guess I just wanna say how grateful I am for the awesome day I had. How grateful I am that I have friends who care about me and my well being. How wonderful it was to be around so many good people today. Thanks for the beautiful weather!! We are so lucky to have such a diverse community. Help me find a way that I can give back to the community...some way I can volunteer!

Thanks for helping my mom get back home and for her recovering health! If you would please help my brother find some peace. Be with the suffering addict tonight who doesn't have someplace to sleep or something to eat.

Thanks again for all you to do for me!

say hi to Jesus and your angels!

xo

M

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

Gratitude List 10/24/10

Thank you for keeping me safe today. It's been one of those days that I am having a hard time remembering what to be grateful for...todays gratitude list;

1. my sobriety
2. you
3. my sponsee
4. my sponsor
5. my mom
6. my brothers
7. my friends
8. my health
9. the food in the house
10. my car
11. choices
12. my education
13. my senses
14. the skill to cook
15. books... especially the big blue one
16. a roof over my head
17. heat
18. people who need me
19. music
20. that I'm alive

damn it was hard to get out 20 things tonight. I'm sure there is soooo much more to be grateful for and I don't want you to think I'm selfish for not being able to come up with more right now but it's what I got. The little monty addict seems to be acting up tonight. And honestly I'm not sure why. Today the topic was relationships; how they've changed as a result of our changing...otherwise known as the promises...I think it is the tip of the iceberg. You know I haven't done much about making my finacial amends. Mostly cuz I'm selfish and want stuff for myself. This said "stuff" is most assuredly going to give me peace and serenity....right? ok kidding! I can get such a line going about how I NEED certain things. And I procrastinated today about doing any work on my 4th step: financial inventory the question of course is why? Bottom line..ladies and gentleman...fear. I'm flatly living in the outcome. Surely if I face this task I will end up in jail? Dead? Hated? Lol...I know...nope. None of these is a reasonable outcome...but then why, you ask, am I trying to determine the outcome? I'm thinking that what I want to do is wait until next paycheck and then start doing something about it!!!! Hmmmm...what do you think abou tthat approach? Cuz I can't start tomorrow...I don't where to start? What about starting with my inventory??? True that is another approach...one that is certain to point be toward the place to start...
Ok that's what I'll do then. and I'll do it right now. I'll start small...there are 15 questions, more or less...and I'll answer one a day until they're done!
Thank you for that suggestion. Good thing I have you around to help me up. And no surprise...I feel better just writing to you! I love you and trust you!
I told Sheila from the doctor's office that I would say something to you about her mom and her cousin Sheri. I guess they need a little extra loving and I think Sheila does too! Btw please give Richard all the courage and faith he may need to find serenity. Surround him with your love. Help him to find financial peace. Could you check in on my brother Jim too? He probably needs you alot more these days! Oh and maybe you could check in with Gigi and Amanda..I love them!
thank you for helping me stay clean today!
xo

Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

complacency 9/22

Dear G,
Today I was feeling a little complacent. Oops my bad...thank you for helping me make it through today. I'm trying to stay active in my life, trying to remember to be thankful for what gifts I've gotten. I'm listening more to what message I think you send to me in whatever form it seems to take. Thank you for my eyesight. Thanks for saving me from some fucked up crazy end...drunk driving or OD'ing on some high...right? I'm so grateful to be alive today.
It's weird isn't it, or funny or something, (well maybe not to you) that the simple act of being grateful for what I have removes barriers that might normally get in my way of peace. Suddenly my complacency is barely a memory. Of course having ADHD and more than a couple burned out brain cells helps, right? It's a simple act, remembering gratitude, and then poof...so many other things don't matter.
I don't think I mentioned I spoke to Terri the other day. It's great she gets to do something she really loves and is excited about doing. She really sounds happy (hey T) and I bet she's really good at sharing what she knows...thanks for helping her find her niche! She's a good woman and I'm real grateful I get to have her in my life...she seems to get me or at least lets me know she loves me unconditionally...which is very cool!
I've been doing some research into a different ADHD med which is speed based. The strattera just doesn't seem to be doing the job. I drift off still in the middle of conversation, I don't feel any more motivated than when I don't take it and so I'm going to talk to Dr Cox to see what he thinks. He might feel hesitant about me trying one of the speed based alternatives but I liked barbs and sedatives anything that would slow me down so that I could think...so much goes on in my head at one time it can be overwhelming! Anyway I've talked to my sponsor, my roommates, and I'm talking about it at meetings too. I'm not afraid that I'll go crazy but if you have an opinion feel free to weigh in :)
Well I think I'm going to read for a bit. Thanks for being there with me today, sorry if I ignored ya a couple minutes when I was getting pissy about work stuff...it was real insignificant I know. Thanks for loving me so much!
x
Monty