my brother

I guess you know all about what's been happening around here the last couple days but, can I just tell you from my perspective?
So, I'm at work and Kris calls (you remember her right? the woman who comes and takes care of mom while I'm at work?) well, anyway, she calls and says my brother had called and she found Mom crying..And I'm thinking...what now? So she tells me that he told Mom how he's got no where to go, and how's he's burned all his bridges and he's got no money and even his own brothers don't like him anymore. You know how many times he's called with one sob story after another...it breaks her heart and as a mom she just wants to do something. So she told him to come over and get a warm shower and that she and he would figure something out. So Kris calls a couple shelters and finds a place for him for last night. Then she calls me and tells me he's on his way over. Sadly I'm suspect and tell her to please don't leave him alone with mom and please don't leave him alone in my bedroom...cuz I'm thinking he's going to steal something (again). But then I told Kris to go into my closet and find the new red hoodie I bought and the only jeans I can think of that are big enough and long enough are those Abercromie jeans and though I'm not feeling it I tell her to give him those and a clean pair of socks. He comes over, I'm at work having anxiety meltdown,  and takes a warm shower and puts on the clean clothes and leaves to go to the shelter. When I got home Kris tells me that she has told him that there is a solution, that he's not bad just sick and he doesn't have to do it alone. Well she thinks he "heard" her. Funny how you can tell someone the same thing over and over...but then a stranger says it and it makes sense!
Today Jim calls me to...thank me for the clothes and tell me how sorry he is and how much of an idiot he's been! And, that he's been to a 12 step meeting!!!! Granted it wasn't an AA meeting (it was a 12 steps to Jesus Christ meeting...arrrggghhh) but it AS a meeting and it did involve a spiritual path and 12 steps and most inportantly he didn't use today and admitted he had been using. Something he has NEVER done before. I told him I love him and how brave he is for calling. I told him that the peace he's looking for is there but it's not easy work....but I believe he can do it!
So I'm trying hard to take it as it comes, to believe him and love him and support him. I'm not willing yet to let him come stay with us or give him money... but thank you for getting him in the door. His seat is in there and with some courage and hard work he may live to help another addict. But for today he helped this one make it another 24 hours...which is still a miracle. Thanks for listening...if you have anymore feedback just drop me a line! Say hi to the angels.

M

Dear G, I was thinking again today about the moment. So often its difficult to stay right here in this second and not the next. reflection on the last and suposition about the next is how I've lived my whole life. Iknow that there is no peace in either. That only right here is where there is calm, it's so logical. Yet, I delve into the realms of what was and what could be at the loss of what is. I wonder why it is so difficult to relax comfortably where I am? Is it part of my chemical makeup? Or just folly? Do people who are not predisposed to escape through overuse fall prey to this exercize in futility? Do they spend precious seconds, minutes, weeks, years comtemplating yesterday and tomorrow? I can hear the word rising up...breathe...feel the breath in, out...it returns me to the moment.
Thanks for the love and compassion that I get everyday. Thanks for helping me remember to be grateful for the things I have and need. Thanks for helping my friends and family through the challenges that life deals. I hope those that need your help tonight can find the voice to ask for it. I hope that for right now the breath comes easier.
love for now
M

financial insecurities 10/12/11

I'm thinking alot about fear today. Trying to figure out the role it has played to get me here today. You told me that fear lives in tomorrow and regret lives in yesterday and I need to live in today, beause in today there is no room for fear or regret. I get that!! But I'm wondering what can  I learn about the role of fear in my life before today. Were my decisons guided by fear? Did I decide to do one thing for fear of another? Or did my fear of either minimize my real choices until the choice was more or less made for. By that I mean if I had several choices and procrastinated did the option for choices dwindle until there was but one available? I still do that. My fear of what might happen paralyzes me from making anything happen until my lack of action forces something to happen. Obviously I make some choices but you know what I mean, right? Like financial decisions. I ignore the reponsibilities afraid of taking action that I fear will be too difficult until a late fee comes do or a collection agency calls or I lose something. Would you help me to overcome this behavior? I'm willing to take your suggestion and trust that you can get me through. I believe that you will guide me to make the right decision as long as I take action. If you have any other direction I hope you'll let me know...

Please help my sister/friend Kris with the things she needs from you. Protect her on this journey. Please send extra love to her mother who has her own suffering and help her find the peace you give me especially when I least expect it. Thanks for letting me spend this time with mom. Oh, and if ya have the time can you look in on my friend Jason who's trying to find the focus to move from NYC to Asheville, it's gotta be challenging and scary to leave a home that you've held for so many years, even when you know it's a good thing. Also check in on his sister Mary Celeste who I don't know but you do. Thanks so much for your help with all this. Hope this letter finds you well! I'll be in touch soon.

Love, M

Gratitude 11/18

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote you a letter! It seems like forever though it's barely a week. Thanks for taking care of mom this week. It's been an unusal week for me and yet through the whole thing I kept reminding myself that I had faith that whatever happened you were in charge and somehow I put my trust in you, that mom would be ok, my brothers would be ok and I would be ok. I know that mom has had a good life. Not without some sadness or hardship but yet so much laughter and love and joy that the comparison wouldn't even be worth the time. Thank you for providing so many happy years mom enjoyed with my dad. Thank you for letting me be with her and talk to her so often. If it's your will I would like to be able to spend more time with her while she around. I don't know how long that might be and while I don't like to think about not having her around I know that when the minutes have been used, and any of us have been able to give as much as you need us to give...well, then our time here is over. I hope that when mom's time comes that I can celebrate her life and grieve my loss appropriately. I hope that I remember that my thoughts ought to be happy not selfish. Please don't let her suffer and let her find calm and grace with you.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have some fears about being alone...help me remember that I am never alone because I have your love. Help me be a good brother to Jim and John and help us to find strength and consolation with each other.
Thank you for helping me find laughter today, help me remember that this is not my world but yours. That I can find the most happiness by making this a better place to live for others and thus a better place for myself.
I love you and I'm grateful that I have the comforts I do when so many others have less than me. Please protect my brothers as they face their own fears. Help those around me to find some comfort in whatever form they need. Please be with Gigi and Amanda, Eric, Warren, Chandler, Richard, Phillip, Max and all my friends as they face the challenges that they walk through each day...I doubt I'd be the man I am today with your and their support and love. Help the addict who struggles without a solution.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels..
xx
Monty

wednesday 11/11/09

Dear G,
Thank you for helping me understand that I have been selfish. Until Eric pointed out that the easiest way to finish step 4 was to go back to step 3 I truly believe I would have been stuck...well at least until the pain got to great...right? But that act of looking at my willingness, to acknowledge my self-centered fear and realizing that all I had to do was put my trust in you...has made such a difference. You know since my computer has been out of commission for the last week (?) the exercise in going back to hand written letters has been eye openning. I had to slow down and really commit to what I was writing..there was no opportunity for editting except to cross out the "mistakes" and re-write. But with this medium there is always the chance...whenever...to go back and change things. I wonder how many people who write electronically do just that...go back and re-write until they sound "smarter" or whatever?? Kinda funy to think about actually!
Anyway I just wanted to say hi! If you could would you please watch out for my mom, my brothers; Jim and John and my housemates Warren and Chandler. I love them all and want the best for them..whatever that best is! I love you.
Monty

Prayer 11/01

Thank you for all the great people you put in my life! I guess I never think that anyone really thinks much about me but I'm grateful when you put so many opportunities for me to see that people do care. I know that you love me but I guess sometimes I think that...well, you love everyone! It's humbling for me to see that there are people that I love, that love me back...I know that doesn't make the most sense, but somehow I know you know what I mean. I had so much fun today being with Eric, going to Philips and Pride..and to think I just wanted to stay at home. Thank you for getting me out of the house, to go out and be with people despite thinking no one would care if  I was there or not.

I'm trying to be more attentive to what I think your will for me is...I really don't care about how much money I make, I just want to have a job that makes me feel useful and helps me to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. LOL..of course I'd like it to be good food and a nice roof...but the rest is just logistics...right?

I'm thinking that maybe you feel it's time for me to get out of the tanning salon...I really don't enjoy trying to convince people that they need to spend $100 on lotion when the $40 lotion is good too! I like working with the girls at my salon but I can't understand why I can't teach them how to sell better? Why do some of the other stores succeed in sales where my store doesn't???

I'm just blathering tonight...and it seems like it is going nowhere at the moment. I guess I just wanna say how grateful I am for the awesome day I had. How grateful I am that I have friends who care about me and my well being. How wonderful it was to be around so many good people today. Thanks for the beautiful weather!! We are so lucky to have such a diverse community. Help me find a way that I can give back to the community...some way I can volunteer!

Thanks for helping my mom get back home and for her recovering health! If you would please help my brother find some peace. Be with the suffering addict tonight who doesn't have someplace to sleep or something to eat.

Thanks again for all you to do for me!

say hi to Jesus and your angels!

xo

M

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

Gratitude List 10/24/10

Thank you for keeping me safe today. It's been one of those days that I am having a hard time remembering what to be grateful for...todays gratitude list;

1. my sobriety
2. you
3. my sponsee
4. my sponsor
5. my mom
6. my brothers
7. my friends
8. my health
9. the food in the house
10. my car
11. choices
12. my education
13. my senses
14. the skill to cook
15. books... especially the big blue one
16. a roof over my head
17. heat
18. people who need me
19. music
20. that I'm alive

damn it was hard to get out 20 things tonight. I'm sure there is soooo much more to be grateful for and I don't want you to think I'm selfish for not being able to come up with more right now but it's what I got. The little monty addict seems to be acting up tonight. And honestly I'm not sure why. Today the topic was relationships; how they've changed as a result of our changing...otherwise known as the promises...I think it is the tip of the iceberg. You know I haven't done much about making my finacial amends. Mostly cuz I'm selfish and want stuff for myself. This said "stuff" is most assuredly going to give me peace and serenity....right? ok kidding! I can get such a line going about how I NEED certain things. And I procrastinated today about doing any work on my 4th step: financial inventory the question of course is why? Bottom line..ladies and gentleman...fear. I'm flatly living in the outcome. Surely if I face this task I will end up in jail? Dead? Hated? Lol...I know...nope. None of these is a reasonable outcome...but then why, you ask, am I trying to determine the outcome? I'm thinking that what I want to do is wait until next paycheck and then start doing something about it!!!! Hmmmm...what do you think abou tthat approach? Cuz I can't start tomorrow...I don't where to start? What about starting with my inventory??? True that is another approach...one that is certain to point be toward the place to start...
Ok that's what I'll do then. and I'll do it right now. I'll start small...there are 15 questions, more or less...and I'll answer one a day until they're done!
Thank you for that suggestion. Good thing I have you around to help me up. And no surprise...I feel better just writing to you! I love you and trust you!
I told Sheila from the doctor's office that I would say something to you about her mom and her cousin Sheri. I guess they need a little extra loving and I think Sheila does too! Btw please give Richard all the courage and faith he may need to find serenity. Surround him with your love. Help him to find financial peace. Could you check in on my brother Jim too? He probably needs you alot more these days! Oh and maybe you could check in with Gigi and Amanda..I love them!
thank you for helping me stay clean today!
xo

Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

wednesday 10/14

Dear G,
Thank you for putting my brother at mom's when she needed him. I'm grateful that you allow me to learn lesson's at my pace...which is of course you're will, right? These last couple of days were full of growth, though as ya know I didn't catch what you were doing right away! When John called and said mom was in the hospital I was so afraid. I think it was alot about being alone, pretty selfish I guess. And then I got all freaked out cuz I started thinking Jim might steal mom's things and pawn them. Somehow I forgot what was really important, my mom. I've learned enough from going through the steps, working with my sponsee and listening to you through others that I realized how lucky I was that Jim was even in town. It was through your grace that I got it! I'm not certain what might have happened if mom had been alone at home, right? But then that wasn't your will, was it? So Jim was in town and he took her to the hospital and the medical people get to do what they do. The bottom line is when I start trying to figure out what the best outcome is and what it is that I want it doesn't turn out so well, huh? I know someday mom will die, that's nature, that's what happens to everyone. But that's not today. And you want me living in the moment. Thank you for the opportunity to learn this.
Please help Richard (thought I'd forget about him huh?) to find serenity. Help him to realize financial peace. Give him the chance to experience romantic love. Help him to know you're love and grace. Please watch over Jim and John while they take care of mom. Please help all those newcomers who are struggling to put together 24 hours, and be with those with more than 24 hours to be of service to the best of their ability.
Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and for the chance to smile at myself.
Love you,
Monty

friday 10/09

sometimes I just need to be reminded...

 that anything can happen!

saturday 9/26

How are you? Thank you for the skill to read and write...cuz I got some writing to do today!  I started taking a new medication today and I think coming off of the last and going on to the new has had some unexpected bitchiness! Here's what I know though...whenever I find myself behaving in a way that I don't think you would... then it's time for a gratitude list..woo hoo! Today I'm grateful for;

1. you
2. my sobriety
3. my health
4. my mom
5. my sponsee
6. my sponsor
   
7. my job (though it isn't the job I want..I'm grateful I have one!)
8. my car
9. my house
10. my friends - starting with Chandler and Warren
11. the chance to do service
12. the chance to have a spiritual awakening
13. my creativity
14. my smile
15. my cooking talents
16. fudge - it's true 

These are just the beginning but I think I get it...there is so many things that make people unhappy and sometimes I get into a funk and even then you love me. Thank you for the gifts you send my way and even more the times when I pray for something that you don't send my way cuz you have something else that will be better for me! I can't even imagine where I might be today if you had let me have everything I prayed for...right??  Thanks!
I love you and trust you in a way that I didn't even appreciate was possible. I have always known you were there and most days knew that you loved me but there were days that I didn't. Sorry about those days that I ignored you  cuz I was all wrapped in me...and whats so cool is that you never left, you just waited until I was ready to reach out to you again...that kind of love is humbling for certain! 
Well that's all I got tonight... give my love to Jesus and the Angels :)

love you
Monty

wednesday 9/16

Dear G,
Thanks again for letting me be of service last night taking those guys to a meeting. I was hoping T would want to come again tonight but that wasn't how it played out. It's in your hands. Please keep them in your grace and let me be of service however i can.
I was a little clouded today...kinda like the weather :) Overcast, drizzly and the a downpour...well actually I was just overcast. I feel so close to you these days though today I felt a little less so... perhaps I was trying to get my will in there somehow...I wasn't feeling discontent, jealous, resentful...just not as connected today.
That I trust in you and believe you love me has made the greatest change for me - I feel so free. I feel like I can let go of things easier. Its like I finally get the 3rd step...lol!
There is one thing that I'm struggling with letting go of...my fears regarding going back to teaching. I know it is what you want me to do...it's what I want to do too! I've been using the excuse that I haven't had the money to pay for my application and the exams that I need to take to complete my file for the state. We both know that theses are just excuses...so I wonder what fear is holding me back? If you could I could use some clarity.
I got a scholarship to go to Cloudland Canyon this year!!! I'm really grateful that I'm going to be able to go and I was also asked to help plan the meals...well the desserts and snacks actually - my forte, right? LOL. Thanks for the chance to do some service! And the opportunity to go on this retreat!
Well tha'ts all for now, hope all is well and my love to Jesus!
xox
Monty

tuesday 9/8

Dear G,
How are you today? Weather was beautiful here all weekend, thanks again! I'm stuck on ego still. Yesterday I was caught up on acceptance (self, worthiness) and today self esteem (more self different day...haha) I use to think that low self-esteem excluded me from the over-inflated club - but, I know now that whether I think  I'm better than everyone or less than everyone..I'm still thinking about ME!! What I'm learning is that if I think about others, do for others, help others...make it about others...my shit won't matter, right? As long as I trust you, clean house and help others my life can't help but get better.
I doubt I tell you this enough - but I trust you! That being said I honestly wonder how much trust I question every minute of every day, because if I truly trust you then I would know that because you love me I am important to you!!! Yet I still worry that you have so many more important things to take care of, things that really need your attention and that I should be able to deal with my tiny inconsequential problems and I don't want to trouble you! It's like I don't have faith that you can handle it ALL!! You the ultimate multi-tasker! Please believe that I am trying to expand my faith and trust.

As always,
M