Prayer 11/01

Thank you for all the great people you put in my life! I guess I never think that anyone really thinks much about me but I'm grateful when you put so many opportunities for me to see that people do care. I know that you love me but I guess sometimes I think that...well, you love everyone! It's humbling for me to see that there are people that I love, that love me back...I know that doesn't make the most sense, but somehow I know you know what I mean. I had so much fun today being with Eric, going to Philips and Pride..and to think I just wanted to stay at home. Thank you for getting me out of the house, to go out and be with people despite thinking no one would care if  I was there or not.

I'm trying to be more attentive to what I think your will for me is...I really don't care about how much money I make, I just want to have a job that makes me feel useful and helps me to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. LOL..of course I'd like it to be good food and a nice roof...but the rest is just logistics...right?

I'm thinking that maybe you feel it's time for me to get out of the tanning salon...I really don't enjoy trying to convince people that they need to spend $100 on lotion when the $40 lotion is good too! I like working with the girls at my salon but I can't understand why I can't teach them how to sell better? Why do some of the other stores succeed in sales where my store doesn't???

I'm just blathering tonight...and it seems like it is going nowhere at the moment. I guess I just wanna say how grateful I am for the awesome day I had. How grateful I am that I have friends who care about me and my well being. How wonderful it was to be around so many good people today. Thanks for the beautiful weather!! We are so lucky to have such a diverse community. Help me find a way that I can give back to the community...some way I can volunteer!

Thanks for helping my mom get back home and for her recovering health! If you would please help my brother find some peace. Be with the suffering addict tonight who doesn't have someplace to sleep or something to eat.

Thanks again for all you to do for me!

say hi to Jesus and your angels!

xo

M

Gratitude List 10/24/10

Thank you for keeping me safe today. It's been one of those days that I am having a hard time remembering what to be grateful for...todays gratitude list;

1. my sobriety
2. you
3. my sponsee
4. my sponsor
5. my mom
6. my brothers
7. my friends
8. my health
9. the food in the house
10. my car
11. choices
12. my education
13. my senses
14. the skill to cook
15. books... especially the big blue one
16. a roof over my head
17. heat
18. people who need me
19. music
20. that I'm alive

damn it was hard to get out 20 things tonight. I'm sure there is soooo much more to be grateful for and I don't want you to think I'm selfish for not being able to come up with more right now but it's what I got. The little monty addict seems to be acting up tonight. And honestly I'm not sure why. Today the topic was relationships; how they've changed as a result of our changing...otherwise known as the promises...I think it is the tip of the iceberg. You know I haven't done much about making my finacial amends. Mostly cuz I'm selfish and want stuff for myself. This said "stuff" is most assuredly going to give me peace and serenity....right? ok kidding! I can get such a line going about how I NEED certain things. And I procrastinated today about doing any work on my 4th step: financial inventory the question of course is why? Bottom line..ladies and gentleman...fear. I'm flatly living in the outcome. Surely if I face this task I will end up in jail? Dead? Hated? Lol...I know...nope. None of these is a reasonable outcome...but then why, you ask, am I trying to determine the outcome? I'm thinking that what I want to do is wait until next paycheck and then start doing something about it!!!! Hmmmm...what do you think abou tthat approach? Cuz I can't start tomorrow...I don't where to start? What about starting with my inventory??? True that is another approach...one that is certain to point be toward the place to start...
Ok that's what I'll do then. and I'll do it right now. I'll start small...there are 15 questions, more or less...and I'll answer one a day until they're done!
Thank you for that suggestion. Good thing I have you around to help me up. And no surprise...I feel better just writing to you! I love you and trust you!
I told Sheila from the doctor's office that I would say something to you about her mom and her cousin Sheri. I guess they need a little extra loving and I think Sheila does too! Btw please give Richard all the courage and faith he may need to find serenity. Surround him with your love. Help him to find financial peace. Could you check in on my brother Jim too? He probably needs you alot more these days! Oh and maybe you could check in with Gigi and Amanda..I love them!
thank you for helping me stay clean today!
xo

Monty

thursday 10/8

Dear G,
Thank you for my sobriety, my family my friends, my sobriety, my sponsor and my sponsee! There is always so much to be thankful for...I'm particularly grateful for my relationship with you. I guess you know I've been nurturing a resentment toward Richard. I'm on the fence on this one because, on one hand he was so generous to me when I was in a bad place in terms of living situations...however the last month that I lived with him was awful. He was using and I didn't know it, he made some terrible accusations some of which I almost believed about myself. I want to let it go mostly because I know he was sick at the time and further I believe it is your will!  So I'll use the PFT principle - Pray for Them! For the next 30 days I'm going to add Richard into my prayers. I pray that he finds comfort in your love. That he finds peace with himself, believes in and loves himself and makes peace with his past. I pray that he finds financial security and learns to live in the moment. 

Remember the other day I was considering the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance..remember? I wanted to comment on indifference. The dictionary defines it as a lack of interest and the thesaurus offers coldness, disdain, apathy, dispassion and detachment among its synonyms. Those nouns described me when I was using and for a while after I got sober. I was the center of my world and I truly didn't care much about you or anyone else unless it was hoe it related to me. And I didn't care too much about myself either...based on the way I chose to live my life. To make it easier for myself I was able to present an image of control which kept my using outside the radar of everyone around me. I didn't care about my job or my car or my living conditions just as long as I had a job so that I could fund my drinking and drugging, a car to drive me to the liquor store or the dealer and a roof over my head so I had someplace to use. I believed in you but didn't believe that there was much of a reason to invest in my spirituality. Of course you waited until that night in May 2006 when I was so afraid, so alone and at last without hope. And you gently reminded me there was a way out...remember? Of course even then I didn't just throw in the towel...but I did stop using. I drove here to Atlanta and picked up a white chip and stopped drinking and drugging. I kept fighting, not ready to surrender completely.
It's been a process hasn't it. You know I've given up my will to you just about everyday since that day...most days taking it back after a few hours, giving it back, taking it...playing tug-o-war with it...lol. Seems like ever since the HRU this year I've gotten pretty willing to let it go. To align my self with your will hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...lol...ya I know, but hey I'm making progress!!!
Thanks for all your love today, for the patience and direction.
If you have time can you check in on Liam and her family, comfort the newcomers who are afraid and resistant as they find their way. And please help keep the old timers vigilant!
Love you
Monty