thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

Gratitude List 10/24/10

Thank you for keeping me safe today. It's been one of those days that I am having a hard time remembering what to be grateful for...todays gratitude list;

1. my sobriety
2. you
3. my sponsee
4. my sponsor
5. my mom
6. my brothers
7. my friends
8. my health
9. the food in the house
10. my car
11. choices
12. my education
13. my senses
14. the skill to cook
15. books... especially the big blue one
16. a roof over my head
17. heat
18. people who need me
19. music
20. that I'm alive

damn it was hard to get out 20 things tonight. I'm sure there is soooo much more to be grateful for and I don't want you to think I'm selfish for not being able to come up with more right now but it's what I got. The little monty addict seems to be acting up tonight. And honestly I'm not sure why. Today the topic was relationships; how they've changed as a result of our changing...otherwise known as the promises...I think it is the tip of the iceberg. You know I haven't done much about making my finacial amends. Mostly cuz I'm selfish and want stuff for myself. This said "stuff" is most assuredly going to give me peace and serenity....right? ok kidding! I can get such a line going about how I NEED certain things. And I procrastinated today about doing any work on my 4th step: financial inventory the question of course is why? Bottom line..ladies and gentleman...fear. I'm flatly living in the outcome. Surely if I face this task I will end up in jail? Dead? Hated? Lol...I know...nope. None of these is a reasonable outcome...but then why, you ask, am I trying to determine the outcome? I'm thinking that what I want to do is wait until next paycheck and then start doing something about it!!!! Hmmmm...what do you think abou tthat approach? Cuz I can't start tomorrow...I don't where to start? What about starting with my inventory??? True that is another approach...one that is certain to point be toward the place to start...
Ok that's what I'll do then. and I'll do it right now. I'll start small...there are 15 questions, more or less...and I'll answer one a day until they're done!
Thank you for that suggestion. Good thing I have you around to help me up. And no surprise...I feel better just writing to you! I love you and trust you!
I told Sheila from the doctor's office that I would say something to you about her mom and her cousin Sheri. I guess they need a little extra loving and I think Sheila does too! Btw please give Richard all the courage and faith he may need to find serenity. Surround him with your love. Help him to find financial peace. Could you check in on my brother Jim too? He probably needs you alot more these days! Oh and maybe you could check in with Gigi and Amanda..I love them!
thank you for helping me stay clean today!
xo

Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

wednesday 10/14

Dear G,
Thank you for putting my brother at mom's when she needed him. I'm grateful that you allow me to learn lesson's at my pace...which is of course you're will, right? These last couple of days were full of growth, though as ya know I didn't catch what you were doing right away! When John called and said mom was in the hospital I was so afraid. I think it was alot about being alone, pretty selfish I guess. And then I got all freaked out cuz I started thinking Jim might steal mom's things and pawn them. Somehow I forgot what was really important, my mom. I've learned enough from going through the steps, working with my sponsee and listening to you through others that I realized how lucky I was that Jim was even in town. It was through your grace that I got it! I'm not certain what might have happened if mom had been alone at home, right? But then that wasn't your will, was it? So Jim was in town and he took her to the hospital and the medical people get to do what they do. The bottom line is when I start trying to figure out what the best outcome is and what it is that I want it doesn't turn out so well, huh? I know someday mom will die, that's nature, that's what happens to everyone. But that's not today. And you want me living in the moment. Thank you for the opportunity to learn this.
Please help Richard (thought I'd forget about him huh?) to find serenity. Help him to realize financial peace. Give him the chance to experience romantic love. Help him to know you're love and grace. Please watch over Jim and John while they take care of mom. Please help all those newcomers who are struggling to put together 24 hours, and be with those with more than 24 hours to be of service to the best of their ability.
Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and for the chance to smile at myself.
Love you,
Monty

sunday 10/11

Dear G,
Thank you for reminding me that I have stay vigilant against my addiction. I sometimes forgot that I'm not cured...it's times like that I let my guard down and in walks my disease, all bright and shiny. It's weird it doesn't walk in as the beat up gutter version that was with me at the end. In fact, it walks in as a version I don't usually recognize. Like grandiosity or intolerance...it strolls in and points out my entitlement or my stupidity. Usually if I have been hanging tight with you it doesn't begin to have a chance to find a way in...but I find that I have to stay in touch with you everyday to maintain. If not I get all fucked up in the head...the squirrels start racing around, I get crazy, act out, spend money or whatever...generally I behave in a way that I have to make amends for later on...Oi vay!

I want to take a moment to say something about Richard. Please give him all your love today, help him to find serenity. Help him to laugh at himself and to be a true friend to those around him. Protect him from his addiction and those that might harm him. Help him to find financial peace. Teach him how to love himself and understand that he is a beautiful man.
Thanks for loving me so much, help me to be a good sponsor to Eric. I'm trying to understand how I feel about Frank and hope you can give me some guidance on how to proceed.
Have a great day!
Love you
Monty

friday 10/09

sometimes I just need to be reminded...

 that anything can happen!

thursday 10/8

Dear G,
Thank you for my sobriety, my family my friends, my sobriety, my sponsor and my sponsee! There is always so much to be thankful for...I'm particularly grateful for my relationship with you. I guess you know I've been nurturing a resentment toward Richard. I'm on the fence on this one because, on one hand he was so generous to me when I was in a bad place in terms of living situations...however the last month that I lived with him was awful. He was using and I didn't know it, he made some terrible accusations some of which I almost believed about myself. I want to let it go mostly because I know he was sick at the time and further I believe it is your will!  So I'll use the PFT principle - Pray for Them! For the next 30 days I'm going to add Richard into my prayers. I pray that he finds comfort in your love. That he finds peace with himself, believes in and loves himself and makes peace with his past. I pray that he finds financial security and learns to live in the moment. 

Remember the other day I was considering the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance..remember? I wanted to comment on indifference. The dictionary defines it as a lack of interest and the thesaurus offers coldness, disdain, apathy, dispassion and detachment among its synonyms. Those nouns described me when I was using and for a while after I got sober. I was the center of my world and I truly didn't care much about you or anyone else unless it was hoe it related to me. And I didn't care too much about myself either...based on the way I chose to live my life. To make it easier for myself I was able to present an image of control which kept my using outside the radar of everyone around me. I didn't care about my job or my car or my living conditions just as long as I had a job so that I could fund my drinking and drugging, a car to drive me to the liquor store or the dealer and a roof over my head so I had someplace to use. I believed in you but didn't believe that there was much of a reason to invest in my spirituality. Of course you waited until that night in May 2006 when I was so afraid, so alone and at last without hope. And you gently reminded me there was a way out...remember? Of course even then I didn't just throw in the towel...but I did stop using. I drove here to Atlanta and picked up a white chip and stopped drinking and drugging. I kept fighting, not ready to surrender completely.
It's been a process hasn't it. You know I've given up my will to you just about everyday since that day...most days taking it back after a few hours, giving it back, taking it...playing tug-o-war with it...lol. Seems like ever since the HRU this year I've gotten pretty willing to let it go. To align my self with your will hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...lol...ya I know, but hey I'm making progress!!!
Thanks for all your love today, for the patience and direction.
If you have time can you check in on Liam and her family, comfort the newcomers who are afraid and resistant as they find their way. And please help keep the old timers vigilant!
Love you
Monty

wednesday 10/07

Dear G, Thanks for the tools that you've given me sometimes I don't pick the right one or sometimes I don't pick up any but thank you for the opportunity to have them! I've been trying harder to remember to pick up any tool and since I started writing to you it seems to be getting easier!

I was thinking about the 3rd step today...it is definitely in front of my face all the time. I remember how hard everything was before. I could never figure anything out...I kept thinking if I could only catch a break I could get ahead. It was all so confusing and it seemed easier to just keep to myself rather than try to keep everyone else happy. My jobs kept getting less demanding, less responsibility, shorter hours and less money. The stress was too much and  the pay never enough for the responsibility expected. I just couldn't figure out why everyone wanted so much from me!!! I kept thinking I was trying so hard and I just couldn't get it. But when I was high or drunk it didn't matter. Everything seemed so calm. No one bothered me when I was alone and high. And I could putter away at anything I wanted. When I fell far enough behind I would call my mom and explain I just needed a few bucks to catch up couldn't she help out? And she did. Maybe she didn't know what else to do..I don't know...but that was my life. That was where my will got me. It got me lost and confused with no where to go and no place to stay.

When I got sober this last time I knew what I might receive. If I would do what was your will, if I would do service, and the steps, and get a sponsor and a sponsee that I might be okay. But this time something else has happened. I've done all those things and my life has gotten better. But...  I started asking questions because I still felt confused. And you gave me a chance to find something else out...that I had a learning disability. Well shit, doesn't that explain the rest! So I'm taking action, right? For the last two years I've slowly started to get some clarity. You've given me a chance to listen to what you say and take action based on that. Taking medicine to help my brain understand. I understand that I don't have it right...yet!  Sometimes, like now, I still get confused for a minute or two and wonder if I'm making sense, but I know you understand me. I know you love me. And I trust you.

Thanks for helping Phillip find a job! He never lost faith in you even when he almost lost his house. Thank you for letting me offer Brandon my experience. I'm grateful I could be there for him today and please comfort his friend. Please help the struggling addict find their way.

Thank you for helping me know your will!

Monty

tuesday 10/6

Dear G,
Thanks for such a rich day...lol...ok so it was kinda tough. But at the end of it I am pretty grateful for having the chance to learn something about myself and to let go of some anger...better even that I recognized it as anger. Specifically that I was angry because someone was not playing by my rules. Even now it makes me smile.

It's hard sometime growing up in my 50's, trying to put right and wrong into perspective. Trying to behave like an adult instead of a child. Making the right next move instead of pouting because I didn't get my way. I wonder why I wanted to wait so long? I wanted to ask why you let me wait so long, but I know that it was my decision, right? And I still have more choices...one of which is the choice to use again. Perhaps not a great choice but a choice nonetheless. I have the choice every day to wake up and be grateful for the things in my life; my family, my sobriety, my friends. I have the choice to help someone else or myself, the choice to embrace faith or fear, the choice to accept things as they are or wrestle to impose my will. You've given me lots of room for choice and the free will to exercise that choice! You given me lots of love when I didn't know you were there...when I was real lost and given up on you. That's very cool and though I wish I could show you all my appreciation now, I know, you're offering me as much time as I need...hopefully the rest of my life.

I guess you know that I've been struggling with what you want me to do to be of service. I don't think you want me to manage a tanning salon, though I do believe that you wanted me here for a reason...other than this awesome tan! :) So I'm wondering if you might be able to give me some clarity, some understanding as to what you might like me to do next? If someone asked me? I guess I would tell them to do the first right thing and the next right thing will come...

Thanks for the wonderful visit I had with Frank! He's a great guy! If it's your will :)
Thanks for helping Amanda over the last couple of days I'm sure it would have been super hard without you! If you could please help Boston Tommy I'm sure he needs you.
And if you could look in on my brother Jim that would be great!

Thanks for all the love today...and the chance to laugh! My love to my Dad too!
M

sunday 10/4

Dear G,
Thanks for the chance to smile a gazillion times, and thanks for all the laughing that Frank and I have had today. Thanks for giving me the grace to hear Jimmy apologize and the opportunity to accept. I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do and I admire his courage. I'm grateful that you gave me the willingness to approach him making it possible...I knew it was what you wanted even though my pride and ego were doing everything possible to make me walk a different direction!
I've heard several people mention lately that they feel closer to you than they have in the recent path...and each has expressed it as a direct result of their willingness to listen. It's so amazing to witness your grace in others when I take the time to look. I'm grateful that I've had this chance too to see your grace in my life. It's more the feeling happy or special it's like a feeling of peace. I don't even think that is the right word...but I know you know what I'm trying to say... a hush over the disharmony. I'm finding more strength every day when you're around to face the scratches in my faith, those defects that have stood between me and you.

Thanks for loving me so much. Oh and thanks for finding Adam a safe place to live!

I love you!
M

saturday 10/3

It's a cool morning here. Thanks for the change of seasons! I'm going to head over to the gym in a few, thanks for my health and the opportunity to go to the gym. I wonder if I might need to quit my membership...finances being what they are I will consider it. But I am grateful that I can actually move and lift and strengthen. And I'm grateful that I have nourishment that I can sustain without being sick. I'm trying to spend as much time working on my insides as I do my outsides. I'm more aware that the outside isn't as important as the inside but I've spent my whole life trying to make the outside look good enough that someone would be attracted to me. What I'm learning is that the outside is worthless if the inside is weak. You know that exercising the inside is much harder to do! The payoff isn't as readily obvious either. Of course, you see the difference...but what about everyone else? I love the relationship that I'm developing with you and I feel the love and comfort more then ever before. But I get lonely for the touch of another man, the joy of being told by someone that I am loved. I'm grateful today that I have friends that I know love me and I try harder to appreciate that as being what I need today. Maybe if I was in the arms of another man who proclaimed his love I might understand something else. It could just be that I want it because I don't have it, right? To tell you the truth I might not have the patience to adapt to someones habits...to actually love someone the way I think I want to be loved. That's it isn't it?? The real question is am I willing to love someone the way I want to be loved. Real love is selfless isn't it? I guess I need to work on being less involved in self....haha...of course that's what I do everyday! Well I'll keep at it :)
If you could will you keep Frank safe during his travels here today? And if you could keep Louise, Warren's dog, comfortable...I know she will be dying and she has had a good life...thanks. Thanks for loving me so much! I'll do my best to stay close to you today...

Monty

friday 10/2

Dear G,
How was your day? I had a day of ups and downs...more smiles than frowns and gratefully an answer to my ego whenever it popped up. Remember the blog I wrote about the attic? I dunno why I was thinking about that earlier..but I was. I went back and read it and was wondering where you were? Why did I go up there alone? I doubt I even thought about inviting you along...regrettably! I was thinking about what message you wanted me to get? Perhaps it's simply that there is no reason for me to go anywhere without taking you along. Better put, there is no reason that I have to be alone at all. You're always around and I know you love to be with me. I love when you're there with me...and I acknowledge it for myself.
I was talking to my mom today and was telling her how I started this new medicine and how I get a little spacey from it. She's not convinced that I need anything but I just don't know why I have such a hard time staying focused. I don't know why I seem to forget things so quickly...it's like one second I have something clear in my mind and the next it is completely gone...poof! Sometimes I just sorta stare at something, like the keyboard just now and I forget what it is I was doing...just a blip, most times really, on the radar, as it comes right back and other times its minutes that slip past....not a lot just one or two, but I just don't think it's normal - not that I've ever known from normal :)
I'm wondering if you could give me some idea about volunteering for a position on HRU'10? I want to do something to be of service and I trust you to point me in the right direction. I'm really happy to do anything that you think is helpful...
I've got some reading I want to do tonight before I go to sleep and I want to answer another question on my 4th step too! Before I close though I wanted to ask if you would comfort the little girl Liam? I wonder too if you could look in on the boy Adam from Galano, I get the impression that he's uncomfortable where he is staying right now, some hotel?? I don't want to ask too much so I'll leave it at that...oh and the cats that Gigi takes care of, I know they give her joy - though I admit I don't get it...maybe they're your angels :) in feline form! lol...well they could be I suppose!
Love you
M
ps today is my brother John's b-day...thanks for giving him such a good day!