wednesday 10/07

Dear G, Thanks for the tools that you've given me sometimes I don't pick the right one or sometimes I don't pick up any but thank you for the opportunity to have them! I've been trying harder to remember to pick up any tool and since I started writing to you it seems to be getting easier!

I was thinking about the 3rd step today...it is definitely in front of my face all the time. I remember how hard everything was before. I could never figure anything out...I kept thinking if I could only catch a break I could get ahead. It was all so confusing and it seemed easier to just keep to myself rather than try to keep everyone else happy. My jobs kept getting less demanding, less responsibility, shorter hours and less money. The stress was too much and  the pay never enough for the responsibility expected. I just couldn't figure out why everyone wanted so much from me!!! I kept thinking I was trying so hard and I just couldn't get it. But when I was high or drunk it didn't matter. Everything seemed so calm. No one bothered me when I was alone and high. And I could putter away at anything I wanted. When I fell far enough behind I would call my mom and explain I just needed a few bucks to catch up couldn't she help out? And she did. Maybe she didn't know what else to do..I don't know...but that was my life. That was where my will got me. It got me lost and confused with no where to go and no place to stay.

When I got sober this last time I knew what I might receive. If I would do what was your will, if I would do service, and the steps, and get a sponsor and a sponsee that I might be okay. But this time something else has happened. I've done all those things and my life has gotten better. But...  I started asking questions because I still felt confused. And you gave me a chance to find something else out...that I had a learning disability. Well shit, doesn't that explain the rest! So I'm taking action, right? For the last two years I've slowly started to get some clarity. You've given me a chance to listen to what you say and take action based on that. Taking medicine to help my brain understand. I understand that I don't have it right...yet!  Sometimes, like now, I still get confused for a minute or two and wonder if I'm making sense, but I know you understand me. I know you love me. And I trust you.

Thanks for helping Phillip find a job! He never lost faith in you even when he almost lost his house. Thank you for letting me offer Brandon my experience. I'm grateful I could be there for him today and please comfort his friend. Please help the struggling addict find their way.

Thank you for helping me know your will!

Monty