I'm so confused at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad. I was so surprised to hear that Gary took his own life today. But at the same time angry that he would choose a cowards end. He was the most remarkable man. He was a great strength to the sober community and a remarkable role model in the gay community. He had a warm spirit and so it's hard to understand why he lost his strength, his fortitude, his will to live. I realize it is something that I cannot understand except that he found his pain too difficult to cope and perhaps now he has found some comfort. I remember what Swami Jaya Davi told me after we lost Mark Picar...that it was my responsibility now to live my life as rich and full as I could..in fact more than before because now I had to cover some of the living that Mark couldn't cover for himself. And so that is my charge for Gary... to live my life beyond the reaches that I live...for Mark and, now, for Gary too! Thanks for the reminder today to embrace life! There are so many people that I wonder if you can look in on today...but could you check in on Rose, too? She seemed kinda down today. Thanks!

xM

Dear G, I was thinking again today about the moment. So often its difficult to stay right here in this second and not the next. reflection on the last and suposition about the next is how I've lived my whole life. Iknow that there is no peace in either. That only right here is where there is calm, it's so logical. Yet, I delve into the realms of what was and what could be at the loss of what is. I wonder why it is so difficult to relax comfortably where I am? Is it part of my chemical makeup? Or just folly? Do people who are not predisposed to escape through overuse fall prey to this exercize in futility? Do they spend precious seconds, minutes, weeks, years comtemplating yesterday and tomorrow? I can hear the word rising up...breathe...feel the breath in, out...it returns me to the moment.
Thanks for the love and compassion that I get everyday. Thanks for helping me remember to be grateful for the things I have and need. Thanks for helping my friends and family through the challenges that life deals. I hope those that need your help tonight can find the voice to ask for it. I hope that for right now the breath comes easier.
love for now
M

Wallpaper

financial insecurities 10/12/11

I'm thinking alot about fear today. Trying to figure out the role it has played to get me here today. You told me that fear lives in tomorrow and regret lives in yesterday and I need to live in today, beause in today there is no room for fear or regret. I get that!! But I'm wondering what can  I learn about the role of fear in my life before today. Were my decisons guided by fear? Did I decide to do one thing for fear of another? Or did my fear of either minimize my real choices until the choice was more or less made for. By that I mean if I had several choices and procrastinated did the option for choices dwindle until there was but one available? I still do that. My fear of what might happen paralyzes me from making anything happen until my lack of action forces something to happen. Obviously I make some choices but you know what I mean, right? Like financial decisions. I ignore the reponsibilities afraid of taking action that I fear will be too difficult until a late fee comes do or a collection agency calls or I lose something. Would you help me to overcome this behavior? I'm willing to take your suggestion and trust that you can get me through. I believe that you will guide me to make the right decision as long as I take action. If you have any other direction I hope you'll let me know...

Please help my sister/friend Kris with the things she needs from you. Protect her on this journey. Please send extra love to her mother who has her own suffering and help her find the peace you give me especially when I least expect it. Thanks for letting me spend this time with mom. Oh, and if ya have the time can you look in on my friend Jason who's trying to find the focus to move from NYC to Asheville, it's gotta be challenging and scary to leave a home that you've held for so many years, even when you know it's a good thing. Also check in on his sister Mary Celeste who I don't know but you do. Thanks so much for your help with all this. Hope this letter finds you well! I'll be in touch soon.

Love, M

coincidence is not destiny 10/2/11

How are you? I need you feedback on something. A friend of mine has started using again. I know you know who but I feel so helpless and wish I could do something. I know the first thing to do is be vigilant with my own sobriety. It's a precious gift and I keep that in the front of my mind. The similarities between where he is and where I am are so close though. He would have celebrated 6 yrs had he not given up. You know he took care of his Gran and she lived with him..like mom and I! I know, I know...coincidence...but it scares me. Perhaps where we differ is not so obvious, I sometimes think he felt kinda sorry for himself because so many of his friends in Atlanta left him out when he was lonely or needing help. I'm so removed living in another state that I don't see the potential for resentment...I mean I wouldn't expect my friends to drive 6 hours to help me. Another thing is that I'ved moved around enough to know that people don't mean to let ya down but we're all human and people just kinda get wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes the lines of communication just wear out or become less frequent. Real friends are always there and while they might want to help sometimes just don't have the right skills to be of service...doesn't mean they don't care. I guess the bottom line is the idea of expectations and resentments...they go hand in hand.

Well I gotta turn in, I have to get up super early to work. Love ya so much, and if ya think of something else let me know. Thanks for being you!

Love,
M

confusion 9/21

Dear G,
Man it seems like forever since I wrote...I mean I know we talk every day but sometimes I feel like I can get something extra when I just take a minute to sit and gather my thoughts and touch base with you. I suppose you already know about my two friends from Atl. going out huh? Both of them over 6 years and BAM!!! I'm glad that D came clean to those around him that ove him and I'm super happy that he had the courage to be honest... hard to believe that he could hide it for 2 yrs...lol...right!! Lets see how many years did I keep my addictions hidden? And how many did I think I was gettting away with it???
But I feel so bad for W...just losing his grandmother, and just days ago celebrating his 6th yr sober!! I guess you could see my shock today when I got his text? Hey, thanks for making sure Brian was available to talk when I called...needed to hear his take on this whole thing! So I called W, and not surprisingly he didn't answer but Ya know I left him a message and Ill try to reach him tomorrow too! What I keep thiking and what Brian said too....VIGILANCE... I have to remember that it could have been me who picked up...I know you're always around and all I have to do is ask and you'll be there to do what ever...
Well, I'm beat...I'm off the next couple days...planning on going to the noon tomorrow...

give my hugs to the angels....
love
M

Serenity for me 1/2

Dear G,
Thank you for seeing me into a new year! I wonder sometimes how long I could go if I thought you weren't there. I've been floundering over the past few months. I guess you know that! And, I've got to the point that I feel like shit. I need your help...I don't want to feel this way and I know what I need to do to stop feeling so icky but I can't seem to find the strength to change. For a bit it was because I was busy trying to help my mom. But now I realize that I have lost my connection with you. I lost my peace of mind and I almost feel that I'm in the midst of a dry drunk. Ya know what I mean...isolating, missing meetings and not writing to you regularly. But it's a new year and I want that serenity back! I want to feel that connection again. I know that you have been patiently waiting for me to take some action. I got up this morning and was planning to go to the 10 am meeting but I slept late and missed it, well, I guess I coulda just got dressed and got there on time but I wanted to take a shower and ya know I think I had some fear! Maybe I was afraid that people would say.."where ya been?" afraid that someone would judge me on my lack of attendance at meeting or say some sarcastic comment. I know that my fear are all my addict self trying to keep me away and that it goes back to low self-esteem, self acceptance...self, self, self. I get it! My trouble stasts when I get caught in ME! Please help me...I don't believe that I'm going to use today but I also know that if I don't put the tools into my routine that I will continue to feel this way! I'm at a loss.
I'm going to do what I know you want me to do..to reconnect, to stop feeling sorry for myself and refocus my energy on my sobriety.

x
Monty