my brother

I guess you know all about what's been happening around here the last couple days but, can I just tell you from my perspective?
So, I'm at work and Kris calls (you remember her right? the woman who comes and takes care of mom while I'm at work?) well, anyway, she calls and says my brother had called and she found Mom crying..And I'm thinking...what now? So she tells me that he told Mom how he's got no where to go, and how's he's burned all his bridges and he's got no money and even his own brothers don't like him anymore. You know how many times he's called with one sob story after another...it breaks her heart and as a mom she just wants to do something. So she told him to come over and get a warm shower and that she and he would figure something out. So Kris calls a couple shelters and finds a place for him for last night. Then she calls me and tells me he's on his way over. Sadly I'm suspect and tell her to please don't leave him alone with mom and please don't leave him alone in my bedroom...cuz I'm thinking he's going to steal something (again). But then I told Kris to go into my closet and find the new red hoodie I bought and the only jeans I can think of that are big enough and long enough are those Abercromie jeans and though I'm not feeling it I tell her to give him those and a clean pair of socks. He comes over, I'm at work having anxiety meltdown,  and takes a warm shower and puts on the clean clothes and leaves to go to the shelter. When I got home Kris tells me that she has told him that there is a solution, that he's not bad just sick and he doesn't have to do it alone. Well she thinks he "heard" her. Funny how you can tell someone the same thing over and over...but then a stranger says it and it makes sense!
Today Jim calls me to...thank me for the clothes and tell me how sorry he is and how much of an idiot he's been! And, that he's been to a 12 step meeting!!!! Granted it wasn't an AA meeting (it was a 12 steps to Jesus Christ meeting...arrrggghhh) but it AS a meeting and it did involve a spiritual path and 12 steps and most inportantly he didn't use today and admitted he had been using. Something he has NEVER done before. I told him I love him and how brave he is for calling. I told him that the peace he's looking for is there but it's not easy work....but I believe he can do it!
So I'm trying hard to take it as it comes, to believe him and love him and support him. I'm not willing yet to let him come stay with us or give him money... but thank you for getting him in the door. His seat is in there and with some courage and hard work he may live to help another addict. But for today he helped this one make it another 24 hours...which is still a miracle. Thanks for listening...if you have anymore feedback just drop me a line! Say hi to the angels.

M

I'm so confused at the moment. I'm not sure if I'm more angry or sad. I was so surprised to hear that Gary took his own life today. But at the same time angry that he would choose a cowards end. He was the most remarkable man. He was a great strength to the sober community and a remarkable role model in the gay community. He had a warm spirit and so it's hard to understand why he lost his strength, his fortitude, his will to live. I realize it is something that I cannot understand except that he found his pain too difficult to cope and perhaps now he has found some comfort. I remember what Swami Jaya Davi told me after we lost Mark Picar...that it was my responsibility now to live my life as rich and full as I could..in fact more than before because now I had to cover some of the living that Mark couldn't cover for himself. And so that is my charge for Gary... to live my life beyond the reaches that I live...for Mark and, now, for Gary too! Thanks for the reminder today to embrace life! There are so many people that I wonder if you can look in on today...but could you check in on Rose, too? She seemed kinda down today. Thanks!

xM

thursday 10/8

Dear G,
Thank you for my sobriety, my family my friends, my sobriety, my sponsor and my sponsee! There is always so much to be thankful for...I'm particularly grateful for my relationship with you. I guess you know I've been nurturing a resentment toward Richard. I'm on the fence on this one because, on one hand he was so generous to me when I was in a bad place in terms of living situations...however the last month that I lived with him was awful. He was using and I didn't know it, he made some terrible accusations some of which I almost believed about myself. I want to let it go mostly because I know he was sick at the time and further I believe it is your will!  So I'll use the PFT principle - Pray for Them! For the next 30 days I'm going to add Richard into my prayers. I pray that he finds comfort in your love. That he finds peace with himself, believes in and loves himself and makes peace with his past. I pray that he finds financial security and learns to live in the moment. 

Remember the other day I was considering the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance..remember? I wanted to comment on indifference. The dictionary defines it as a lack of interest and the thesaurus offers coldness, disdain, apathy, dispassion and detachment among its synonyms. Those nouns described me when I was using and for a while after I got sober. I was the center of my world and I truly didn't care much about you or anyone else unless it was hoe it related to me. And I didn't care too much about myself either...based on the way I chose to live my life. To make it easier for myself I was able to present an image of control which kept my using outside the radar of everyone around me. I didn't care about my job or my car or my living conditions just as long as I had a job so that I could fund my drinking and drugging, a car to drive me to the liquor store or the dealer and a roof over my head so I had someplace to use. I believed in you but didn't believe that there was much of a reason to invest in my spirituality. Of course you waited until that night in May 2006 when I was so afraid, so alone and at last without hope. And you gently reminded me there was a way out...remember? Of course even then I didn't just throw in the towel...but I did stop using. I drove here to Atlanta and picked up a white chip and stopped drinking and drugging. I kept fighting, not ready to surrender completely.
It's been a process hasn't it. You know I've given up my will to you just about everyday since that day...most days taking it back after a few hours, giving it back, taking it...playing tug-o-war with it...lol. Seems like ever since the HRU this year I've gotten pretty willing to let it go. To align my self with your will hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...lol...ya I know, but hey I'm making progress!!!
Thanks for all your love today, for the patience and direction.
If you have time can you check in on Liam and her family, comfort the newcomers who are afraid and resistant as they find their way. And please help keep the old timers vigilant!
Love you
Monty