my brother

I guess you know all about what's been happening around here the last couple days but, can I just tell you from my perspective?
So, I'm at work and Kris calls (you remember her right? the woman who comes and takes care of mom while I'm at work?) well, anyway, she calls and says my brother had called and she found Mom crying..And I'm thinking...what now? So she tells me that he told Mom how he's got no where to go, and how's he's burned all his bridges and he's got no money and even his own brothers don't like him anymore. You know how many times he's called with one sob story after another...it breaks her heart and as a mom she just wants to do something. So she told him to come over and get a warm shower and that she and he would figure something out. So Kris calls a couple shelters and finds a place for him for last night. Then she calls me and tells me he's on his way over. Sadly I'm suspect and tell her to please don't leave him alone with mom and please don't leave him alone in my bedroom...cuz I'm thinking he's going to steal something (again). But then I told Kris to go into my closet and find the new red hoodie I bought and the only jeans I can think of that are big enough and long enough are those Abercromie jeans and though I'm not feeling it I tell her to give him those and a clean pair of socks. He comes over, I'm at work having anxiety meltdown,  and takes a warm shower and puts on the clean clothes and leaves to go to the shelter. When I got home Kris tells me that she has told him that there is a solution, that he's not bad just sick and he doesn't have to do it alone. Well she thinks he "heard" her. Funny how you can tell someone the same thing over and over...but then a stranger says it and it makes sense!
Today Jim calls me to...thank me for the clothes and tell me how sorry he is and how much of an idiot he's been! And, that he's been to a 12 step meeting!!!! Granted it wasn't an AA meeting (it was a 12 steps to Jesus Christ meeting...arrrggghhh) but it AS a meeting and it did involve a spiritual path and 12 steps and most inportantly he didn't use today and admitted he had been using. Something he has NEVER done before. I told him I love him and how brave he is for calling. I told him that the peace he's looking for is there but it's not easy work....but I believe he can do it!
So I'm trying hard to take it as it comes, to believe him and love him and support him. I'm not willing yet to let him come stay with us or give him money... but thank you for getting him in the door. His seat is in there and with some courage and hard work he may live to help another addict. But for today he helped this one make it another 24 hours...which is still a miracle. Thanks for listening...if you have anymore feedback just drop me a line! Say hi to the angels.

M

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

sunday 10/11

Dear G,
Thank you for reminding me that I have stay vigilant against my addiction. I sometimes forgot that I'm not cured...it's times like that I let my guard down and in walks my disease, all bright and shiny. It's weird it doesn't walk in as the beat up gutter version that was with me at the end. In fact, it walks in as a version I don't usually recognize. Like grandiosity or intolerance...it strolls in and points out my entitlement or my stupidity. Usually if I have been hanging tight with you it doesn't begin to have a chance to find a way in...but I find that I have to stay in touch with you everyday to maintain. If not I get all fucked up in the head...the squirrels start racing around, I get crazy, act out, spend money or whatever...generally I behave in a way that I have to make amends for later on...Oi vay!

I want to take a moment to say something about Richard. Please give him all your love today, help him to find serenity. Help him to laugh at himself and to be a true friend to those around him. Protect him from his addiction and those that might harm him. Help him to find financial peace. Teach him how to love himself and understand that he is a beautiful man.
Thanks for loving me so much, help me to be a good sponsor to Eric. I'm trying to understand how I feel about Frank and hope you can give me some guidance on how to proceed.
Have a great day!
Love you
Monty

friday 9/25

Good morning and WOW! Thank you for the message this morning! I was feeling so overwhelmed financially, I hate living paycheck to paycheck cuz I feel so out of control...that any little thing can turn everything upside down. My world is so unmanageable..Hmmm??? I thought I was making some progress a few weeks ago, but then Roundup happened and I threw myself into a financial hole! I really could not afford the hotel and the extra expenses involved with that :( !! Then I had to have my car fixed which there was no money for either. Today after I paid rent there was like nothing left... I was sitting here wondering how am I going to pay for gas and my car insurance and pay phone and food..and I was starting to feel real bad...real bad!
I came to my room and I was reading my 24hr book and got your message. I realized, then and there, that I had a spiritual experience! I found that regardless of the anxiety I had felt moments before that I was ok...that I could find peace in your arms. I continue to gradually understand just how much you love me. I understand that I can find peace in this mess...with you!
I'm grateful that you comfort me and watch out for me even when I'm not conscious that you're around. I'm grateful that you love me unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...though I love you with all my heart.
I know that I don't have to lie or cheat or steal anymore to have my needs taken care of, that somehow you'll figure it out. All I have to do is trust you. I'm very grateful that I can hear you so clearly today!
Thanks for lifting me up today!
x
M