Dear G, I was thinking again today about the moment. So often its difficult to stay right here in this second and not the next. reflection on the last and suposition about the next is how I've lived my whole life. Iknow that there is no peace in either. That only right here is where there is calm, it's so logical. Yet, I delve into the realms of what was and what could be at the loss of what is. I wonder why it is so difficult to relax comfortably where I am? Is it part of my chemical makeup? Or just folly? Do people who are not predisposed to escape through overuse fall prey to this exercize in futility? Do they spend precious seconds, minutes, weeks, years comtemplating yesterday and tomorrow? I can hear the word rising up...breathe...feel the breath in, out...it returns me to the moment.
Thanks for the love and compassion that I get everyday. Thanks for helping me remember to be grateful for the things I have and need. Thanks for helping my friends and family through the challenges that life deals. I hope those that need your help tonight can find the voice to ask for it. I hope that for right now the breath comes easier.
love for now
M

Gratitude 11/18

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote you a letter! It seems like forever though it's barely a week. Thanks for taking care of mom this week. It's been an unusal week for me and yet through the whole thing I kept reminding myself that I had faith that whatever happened you were in charge and somehow I put my trust in you, that mom would be ok, my brothers would be ok and I would be ok. I know that mom has had a good life. Not without some sadness or hardship but yet so much laughter and love and joy that the comparison wouldn't even be worth the time. Thank you for providing so many happy years mom enjoyed with my dad. Thank you for letting me be with her and talk to her so often. If it's your will I would like to be able to spend more time with her while she around. I don't know how long that might be and while I don't like to think about not having her around I know that when the minutes have been used, and any of us have been able to give as much as you need us to give...well, then our time here is over. I hope that when mom's time comes that I can celebrate her life and grieve my loss appropriately. I hope that I remember that my thoughts ought to be happy not selfish. Please don't let her suffer and let her find calm and grace with you.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have some fears about being alone...help me remember that I am never alone because I have your love. Help me be a good brother to Jim and John and help us to find strength and consolation with each other.
Thank you for helping me find laughter today, help me remember that this is not my world but yours. That I can find the most happiness by making this a better place to live for others and thus a better place for myself.
I love you and I'm grateful that I have the comforts I do when so many others have less than me. Please protect my brothers as they face their own fears. Help those around me to find some comfort in whatever form they need. Please be with Gigi and Amanda, Eric, Warren, Chandler, Richard, Phillip, Max and all my friends as they face the challenges that they walk through each day...I doubt I'd be the man I am today with your and their support and love. Help the addict who struggles without a solution.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels..
xx
Monty

Prayer 11/01

Thank you for all the great people you put in my life! I guess I never think that anyone really thinks much about me but I'm grateful when you put so many opportunities for me to see that people do care. I know that you love me but I guess sometimes I think that...well, you love everyone! It's humbling for me to see that there are people that I love, that love me back...I know that doesn't make the most sense, but somehow I know you know what I mean. I had so much fun today being with Eric, going to Philips and Pride..and to think I just wanted to stay at home. Thank you for getting me out of the house, to go out and be with people despite thinking no one would care if  I was there or not.

I'm trying to be more attentive to what I think your will for me is...I really don't care about how much money I make, I just want to have a job that makes me feel useful and helps me to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. LOL..of course I'd like it to be good food and a nice roof...but the rest is just logistics...right?

I'm thinking that maybe you feel it's time for me to get out of the tanning salon...I really don't enjoy trying to convince people that they need to spend $100 on lotion when the $40 lotion is good too! I like working with the girls at my salon but I can't understand why I can't teach them how to sell better? Why do some of the other stores succeed in sales where my store doesn't???

I'm just blathering tonight...and it seems like it is going nowhere at the moment. I guess I just wanna say how grateful I am for the awesome day I had. How grateful I am that I have friends who care about me and my well being. How wonderful it was to be around so many good people today. Thanks for the beautiful weather!! We are so lucky to have such a diverse community. Help me find a way that I can give back to the community...some way I can volunteer!

Thanks for helping my mom get back home and for her recovering health! If you would please help my brother find some peace. Be with the suffering addict tonight who doesn't have someplace to sleep or something to eat.

Thanks again for all you to do for me!

say hi to Jesus and your angels!

xo

M

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

Gratitude List 10/24/10

Thank you for keeping me safe today. It's been one of those days that I am having a hard time remembering what to be grateful for...todays gratitude list;

1. my sobriety
2. you
3. my sponsee
4. my sponsor
5. my mom
6. my brothers
7. my friends
8. my health
9. the food in the house
10. my car
11. choices
12. my education
13. my senses
14. the skill to cook
15. books... especially the big blue one
16. a roof over my head
17. heat
18. people who need me
19. music
20. that I'm alive

damn it was hard to get out 20 things tonight. I'm sure there is soooo much more to be grateful for and I don't want you to think I'm selfish for not being able to come up with more right now but it's what I got. The little monty addict seems to be acting up tonight. And honestly I'm not sure why. Today the topic was relationships; how they've changed as a result of our changing...otherwise known as the promises...I think it is the tip of the iceberg. You know I haven't done much about making my finacial amends. Mostly cuz I'm selfish and want stuff for myself. This said "stuff" is most assuredly going to give me peace and serenity....right? ok kidding! I can get such a line going about how I NEED certain things. And I procrastinated today about doing any work on my 4th step: financial inventory the question of course is why? Bottom line..ladies and gentleman...fear. I'm flatly living in the outcome. Surely if I face this task I will end up in jail? Dead? Hated? Lol...I know...nope. None of these is a reasonable outcome...but then why, you ask, am I trying to determine the outcome? I'm thinking that what I want to do is wait until next paycheck and then start doing something about it!!!! Hmmmm...what do you think abou tthat approach? Cuz I can't start tomorrow...I don't where to start? What about starting with my inventory??? True that is another approach...one that is certain to point be toward the place to start...
Ok that's what I'll do then. and I'll do it right now. I'll start small...there are 15 questions, more or less...and I'll answer one a day until they're done!
Thank you for that suggestion. Good thing I have you around to help me up. And no surprise...I feel better just writing to you! I love you and trust you!
I told Sheila from the doctor's office that I would say something to you about her mom and her cousin Sheri. I guess they need a little extra loving and I think Sheila does too! Btw please give Richard all the courage and faith he may need to find serenity. Surround him with your love. Help him to find financial peace. Could you check in on my brother Jim too? He probably needs you alot more these days! Oh and maybe you could check in with Gigi and Amanda..I love them!
thank you for helping me stay clean today!
xo

Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

sunday 10/4

Dear G,
Thanks for the chance to smile a gazillion times, and thanks for all the laughing that Frank and I have had today. Thanks for giving me the grace to hear Jimmy apologize and the opportunity to accept. I'm sure it was not an easy thing to do and I admire his courage. I'm grateful that you gave me the willingness to approach him making it possible...I knew it was what you wanted even though my pride and ego were doing everything possible to make me walk a different direction!
I've heard several people mention lately that they feel closer to you than they have in the recent path...and each has expressed it as a direct result of their willingness to listen. It's so amazing to witness your grace in others when I take the time to look. I'm grateful that I've had this chance too to see your grace in my life. It's more the feeling happy or special it's like a feeling of peace. I don't even think that is the right word...but I know you know what I'm trying to say... a hush over the disharmony. I'm finding more strength every day when you're around to face the scratches in my faith, those defects that have stood between me and you.

Thanks for loving me so much. Oh and thanks for finding Adam a safe place to live!

I love you!
M

saturday 10/3

It's a cool morning here. Thanks for the change of seasons! I'm going to head over to the gym in a few, thanks for my health and the opportunity to go to the gym. I wonder if I might need to quit my membership...finances being what they are I will consider it. But I am grateful that I can actually move and lift and strengthen. And I'm grateful that I have nourishment that I can sustain without being sick. I'm trying to spend as much time working on my insides as I do my outsides. I'm more aware that the outside isn't as important as the inside but I've spent my whole life trying to make the outside look good enough that someone would be attracted to me. What I'm learning is that the outside is worthless if the inside is weak. You know that exercising the inside is much harder to do! The payoff isn't as readily obvious either. Of course, you see the difference...but what about everyone else? I love the relationship that I'm developing with you and I feel the love and comfort more then ever before. But I get lonely for the touch of another man, the joy of being told by someone that I am loved. I'm grateful today that I have friends that I know love me and I try harder to appreciate that as being what I need today. Maybe if I was in the arms of another man who proclaimed his love I might understand something else. It could just be that I want it because I don't have it, right? To tell you the truth I might not have the patience to adapt to someones habits...to actually love someone the way I think I want to be loved. That's it isn't it?? The real question is am I willing to love someone the way I want to be loved. Real love is selfless isn't it? I guess I need to work on being less involved in self....haha...of course that's what I do everyday! Well I'll keep at it :)
If you could will you keep Frank safe during his travels here today? And if you could keep Louise, Warren's dog, comfortable...I know she will be dying and she has had a good life...thanks. Thanks for loving me so much! I'll do my best to stay close to you today...

Monty

monday night 9/29

Dear G,
How was you day? Thanks for another day that was more smiles than frowns. I was thinking earlier tonight if there are things you remember that I don't? I guess you remember everything don't you? Sometimes I remember stuff that I'm not very proud of and other times some really funny things. I think it's all good..I mean it's stuff that got me here today. I figure that since I put all my trust into you that whatever reason you got me to today that it's a good enough reason for you then it sure as hell should be good enough for me. I don't think it's like just one thing you want me to do but rather a journey of things you want me to be a part of...and that journey isn't one I'm making alone but one that I'm making with others. Some I travel with for a while and others I just pass or cross paths with. I think too that some of these folks you want me to help and some of these people you want to help me. If I deny these people the help they are suppose to provide then it's possible that they may not learn something they are suppose to learn and I might also miss a lesson I'm suppose to understand! so there is a symbiotic nature to our being together.
I was thinking about the 2nd step "came to believe" and the idea of sanity...my sober life has not been a linear sort of movement...sanity-wise. Some days I feel pretty sane and other days less so. Its like I've learned that it is contingent on my spiritual program. I heard a guy say tonight that all his life he's been looking to fit in - from coast to coast..the swankiest to the grungiest and never felt like he belonged until he sat down in a plastic chair in a room lit with fluorescent lights with a bunch of people he didn't know and talked about a spiritual life. It makes perfect sense to me...lol.
That's all I got tonight. If you have time can you check in on Tom and Enrique..make sure they're ok? And Terri's little boy..he might have the flu. And Rudra's little girl Liam and her family. And if you could, would you mind watching out for my brother Jim?
Thanks for keeping me sane today and from using! Thanks too for loving me so much! Love to all the Angels!
xo
M

saturday 9/26

How are you? Thank you for the skill to read and write...cuz I got some writing to do today!  I started taking a new medication today and I think coming off of the last and going on to the new has had some unexpected bitchiness! Here's what I know though...whenever I find myself behaving in a way that I don't think you would... then it's time for a gratitude list..woo hoo! Today I'm grateful for;

1. you
2. my sobriety
3. my health
4. my mom
5. my sponsee
6. my sponsor
   
7. my job (though it isn't the job I want..I'm grateful I have one!)
8. my car
9. my house
10. my friends - starting with Chandler and Warren
11. the chance to do service
12. the chance to have a spiritual awakening
13. my creativity
14. my smile
15. my cooking talents
16. fudge - it's true 

These are just the beginning but I think I get it...there is so many things that make people unhappy and sometimes I get into a funk and even then you love me. Thank you for the gifts you send my way and even more the times when I pray for something that you don't send my way cuz you have something else that will be better for me! I can't even imagine where I might be today if you had let me have everything I prayed for...right??  Thanks!
I love you and trust you in a way that I didn't even appreciate was possible. I have always known you were there and most days knew that you loved me but there were days that I didn't. Sorry about those days that I ignored you  cuz I was all wrapped in me...and whats so cool is that you never left, you just waited until I was ready to reach out to you again...that kind of love is humbling for certain! 
Well that's all I got tonight... give my love to Jesus and the Angels :)

love you
Monty

friday 9/25

Good morning and WOW! Thank you for the message this morning! I was feeling so overwhelmed financially, I hate living paycheck to paycheck cuz I feel so out of control...that any little thing can turn everything upside down. My world is so unmanageable..Hmmm??? I thought I was making some progress a few weeks ago, but then Roundup happened and I threw myself into a financial hole! I really could not afford the hotel and the extra expenses involved with that :( !! Then I had to have my car fixed which there was no money for either. Today after I paid rent there was like nothing left... I was sitting here wondering how am I going to pay for gas and my car insurance and pay phone and food..and I was starting to feel real bad...real bad!
I came to my room and I was reading my 24hr book and got your message. I realized, then and there, that I had a spiritual experience! I found that regardless of the anxiety I had felt moments before that I was ok...that I could find peace in your arms. I continue to gradually understand just how much you love me. I understand that I can find peace in this mess...with you!
I'm grateful that you comfort me and watch out for me even when I'm not conscious that you're around. I'm grateful that you love me unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...though I love you with all my heart.
I know that I don't have to lie or cheat or steal anymore to have my needs taken care of, that somehow you'll figure it out. All I have to do is trust you. I'm very grateful that I can hear you so clearly today!
Thanks for lifting me up today!
x
M

complacency 9/22

Dear G,
Today I was feeling a little complacent. Oops my bad...thank you for helping me make it through today. I'm trying to stay active in my life, trying to remember to be thankful for what gifts I've gotten. I'm listening more to what message I think you send to me in whatever form it seems to take. Thank you for my eyesight. Thanks for saving me from some fucked up crazy end...drunk driving or OD'ing on some high...right? I'm so grateful to be alive today.
It's weird isn't it, or funny or something, (well maybe not to you) that the simple act of being grateful for what I have removes barriers that might normally get in my way of peace. Suddenly my complacency is barely a memory. Of course having ADHD and more than a couple burned out brain cells helps, right? It's a simple act, remembering gratitude, and then poof...so many other things don't matter.
I don't think I mentioned I spoke to Terri the other day. It's great she gets to do something she really loves and is excited about doing. She really sounds happy (hey T) and I bet she's really good at sharing what she knows...thanks for helping her find her niche! She's a good woman and I'm real grateful I get to have her in my life...she seems to get me or at least lets me know she loves me unconditionally...which is very cool!
I've been doing some research into a different ADHD med which is speed based. The strattera just doesn't seem to be doing the job. I drift off still in the middle of conversation, I don't feel any more motivated than when I don't take it and so I'm going to talk to Dr Cox to see what he thinks. He might feel hesitant about me trying one of the speed based alternatives but I liked barbs and sedatives anything that would slow me down so that I could think...so much goes on in my head at one time it can be overwhelming! Anyway I've talked to my sponsor, my roommates, and I'm talking about it at meetings too. I'm not afraid that I'll go crazy but if you have an opinion feel free to weigh in :)
Well I think I'm going to read for a bit. Thanks for being there with me today, sorry if I ignored ya a couple minutes when I was getting pissy about work stuff...it was real insignificant I know. Thanks for loving me so much!
x
Monty

saturday 9/19

Dear G, 

I guess you might be wondering what's up with the doors huh? They're symbolic of  a new way of thinking for me, a new way of doing and a new way to for me to get closer to you. Thanks for giving me the chance to express my feelings through these words and images. None of the images are pictures I've taken (yet) and I believe that the original artists would allow me to use them for my growth and expression of faith. Thank you too for the chance to help Rob with his move today. I feel good knowing that I can commit to helping someone and then follow through. I was always more interested in meeting my own needs... its such a change from the way I use to be. I'm trying to improve some of my others behaviors too so that I can be more loving toward my friends and and to give them the support they want from me. I really want to be able to be the kind of friend that people can count on when they need a friend to be there for them.
I talked to Frank today and it sounds like he is having such a great time in Palm Springs. I like this man and I know you know I have some fear about how to pursue a relationship. I trust you and I am trying hard to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what might be or trying to figure out what he may want from our friendship or if he wants something more than something casual. I'm giving it over to you...and yes I know that I take it back and then give it back to you again!! :) I'm trying though... thank you for being patient with me and helping me learn that you know what's best. I just want to be me, not some made-up guy that I think others might like.

I bought a new composition book today to record thought and stuff that come to me. I might write to you in there too but will continue to record as much as I can here. I don't why I am or what purpose you may have for me recording them here too...it just feels like something you want me to do and so I continue.

Thanks for loving me so much!

Give my love to my dad, I wonder if he keeps an eye on me? I think he does. Its weird huh that he came to be with you when he was just a little older than me...seems like so long ago. I dunno why I was just thinking about that?

Well I'm off for now. Have a good night :@) Oh, will you keep an eye on T and E tonight? I hope they're safe.

Love

M

sunday 9/13

Dear G,
Thanks for getting helping me see what you wanted me to see! I was talking to Gigi today and I told her how much trust I have in you. And how much you love me! I'm so grateful I get it! I know that it isn't something I'm going to understand 24/7 but that I know now makes getting back to that consciousness so much easier. It's like when I learned to ride a bike or knew that I was an addict...the first few times without training wheels were hard, but eventually it got easier.
It feels good too! And ya know what else...is that since I recognized what was wrong, what I was missing - the service commitment, home group, step work - and then took some action? Wow! Thank you!!
Tomorrow is Gigi's 17th year! Outstanding! I'm real lucky to have her in my life, and I know she feels the same, I mean I know it! Having a sponsor is such a wonderful gift, not as wonderful as having Eric...well different cause I love them both.
Writing to you has made such a big difference for me, I wish I could get everyone to do this but I understand that everyone has to find their own way of talking to you and that this is one that works for me. It gives me some time to think about my relationship with you and to put things out there for you to see where I am and guide me in the direction of your will :)
If you have some extra time will you look in on Amanda I think she's having some trouble with her meds and could use some extra love and comfort from you. Thanks! And I could use some guidance on how to manage my finances. I wanted to go visit my mom next weekend but I've overdrawn my account. I had a good 6 weeks of being responsible and then got distracted. Thanks again :)

Love always
M

hump day 9/9

Dear G,
Hey!! How are you today?? Before I get to far into this letter let me start by saying thank you! Thanks for helping me stay clean today :) I really have so many things to say thank you for and I rarely tell you homw grateful I am - I'm going to make a better effort going forward! Seriously!
I'm still focused on service. I think to be of service to you I need to be of service to my community, that is the recovery community. I need to be of service to my people, my gay family. I need to be of service locally to those who need education and to be of service to the greater good - to do my civic duty! I beleive that if someone needs my help and I help them then I am living the life you want me to live! If I am even a small example of how to live life on life's terms and make this place a better place than I am certain to feel good or at the very least better than doing nothing except serving my own needs...whew!!!
I need your help with something. I'm very confused about whether you want me to find a romantic relationship? I don't know if you're trying to guide me toward one or what. I trust you but I wonder what do you think? Let me know ok? I'm good either way...I just need some clarification.
I'm laying in bed and pretty tired so I'm going to turn in. Hope you have a good one. I'll write you tomorrow!

xo
M