12/10 Thursday

Dear G,
I've been dealing with family issues over the last month and it seems I haven't found anytime to write...I've missed that! I'm grateful that some how through all this I've stayed clean! Thank you for the opportunity to learn what I've had the chance to learn. Since my mom was in the accident back in October..is it that long ago??...I've been through alot of growth. I was real happy for her when she got to go back home in November...but then she got bad again and that's when it got tough. It was hard for me to find out that my own brother had been stealing from her while she was in the hospital the second time! And then I understood what you wanted me to learn! I'm not sure when it happened..but during one of my visits to her I realized that he was not any different from me when I was using. I did some things I was pretty ashamed for, lying, manipulating it wasn't so much different then his stealing. Sure, I may have "asked" her for money..but I know  that the reasons I was asking for money were all lies..not much different really..except maybe I was more clever than he is now...ya sure!!! I'm grateful that I've finally got to apologize for all the deception, grateful too that I have been given the chance to make right so many of my wrongs. I'm grateful too that I get the chance to carry the message to my brother.
He's sick ya know and it must be almost impossible for him to hear me...through all the shame, guilt and resentment. I would have had the same problem hearing!! I know you know how long of a drive it is to visit her. I have alot of time during those drives...thank you for helping me to stay focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and the reason for my trips. I guess I've grown up over the last 3 years. I don't resent having to drive 500 miles even if it's only for the day! I'm lucky I hav a car that gets me there and back. And, itunes! Lol...what would I do without the music or more importantly the hours of speakers I get to hear!!! Ya know what is the funniest thing? Managing mom's money! I mean, was that your idea of a joke or what? Somehow I've done it though. Paid her bills, called the mortgage company, utilities, bank...just like an adult! Haha!
She's coming home this weekend to her house. I'm picking her up from the physical rehab center on Saturday morning and taking her home...she seems happy to know that I'm driving down to get her. I have some fear about whether my brother will help her during the week..but I'll go back down for Christmas weekend. All I know is that I have no control over what happens...that's all up to you! I do know that at any given second I can be the son I'm suppose to be. At any second I can be the brother I'm suppose to be. And I know that I don't have to use or drink to get through it.
If you can, will you send my brother some extra love. If it's your will could you please help him to hear. Please also watch over my friends and the folks I work with over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are harder for some than others. Say hi to the angels and Jesus.
love M

9/18 friday

Dear G,
How are you today? It's been a great day for me even with life and it's challenges being there. It's funny how sometimes life presents so many opportunities for anxiety, like today and most of it didn't get me to worked up! Thanks for helping me get things more on track lately...going to more meeting, writing to you everyday, staying closer to my  sponsor and sponsee have really made the difference. Thanks for helping me understand more about the concept of letting go! Life is so much easier letting you deal with some of this crap...at least you know what to do with it, right?! :)
I was reading about feeling vs doing and the whole notion of, what I'm feeling isn't what I'm doing! The idea that I might be feeling shitty but going to a meeting. The going to a meeting part is not shitty, it's good. The feeling going into the meeting might still be shitty...might even be shitty coming out, who knows. So the feeling doesn't have to affect what I'm doing. Conversely what I'm doing can affect what it is I'm feeling...if I'm doing all crappy things it won't take long before I actually feel like crap too!
The transition spiritually for me has happened without me even trying (consciously anyway). My attitude about spirituality, my understanding of you and the relationship between you and I has been so remarkably subtle and yet the outcome has been so significant. It's hard for me at this point to explain it to someone else but I know you get it!
Thanks for helping me "get it", for showing me the way that worked for me. Thanks for loving me that much!

Love
M

wednesday 9/16

Dear G,
Thanks again for letting me be of service last night taking those guys to a meeting. I was hoping T would want to come again tonight but that wasn't how it played out. It's in your hands. Please keep them in your grace and let me be of service however i can.
I was a little clouded today...kinda like the weather :) Overcast, drizzly and the a downpour...well actually I was just overcast. I feel so close to you these days though today I felt a little less so... perhaps I was trying to get my will in there somehow...I wasn't feeling discontent, jealous, resentful...just not as connected today.
That I trust in you and believe you love me has made the greatest change for me - I feel so free. I feel like I can let go of things easier. Its like I finally get the 3rd step...lol!
There is one thing that I'm struggling with letting go of...my fears regarding going back to teaching. I know it is what you want me to do...it's what I want to do too! I've been using the excuse that I haven't had the money to pay for my application and the exams that I need to take to complete my file for the state. We both know that theses are just excuses...so I wonder what fear is holding me back? If you could I could use some clarity.
I got a scholarship to go to Cloudland Canyon this year!!! I'm really grateful that I'm going to be able to go and I was also asked to help plan the meals...well the desserts and snacks actually - my forte, right? LOL. Thanks for the chance to do some service! And the opportunity to go on this retreat!
Well tha'ts all for now, hope all is well and my love to Jesus!
xox
Monty

tuesday 9/15

Dear G,
Thanks for letting me help T, or at least for putting me in his path (or him in mine)so I could take him to a meeting. If you could give him a little extra TLC while he gets his feet back on solid ground (or whatever you think is right..)? Thanks!
Thanks, too, for helping Eric and the idea for him to start a 4th step on relationships..I'm certain we'll both learning something from it! Please help me be the friend I need to be so that I can be of max service!
I'm really enjoying my conversations with Frank and learning alot about myself and my defects related to relationships..and letting go of fear. He's real easy to talk to maybe because he live in Miami??
I'm getting a much clearer picture about my recovery and purpose. I had a chance to take two new comers to a meeting. I hope you can help them find some serenity and if its your will I hope they can both get clean!! Of course I will be of any help you want! :)
Thanks for such an awesome day...it was fun!
Monty

friday 9/11

Dear G,
Whats up today? Thanks for helping Warren reach another milestone today! 4 years!! Awesome! He is such a good friend though between the two of us...I wish he could find a sponsee - but I guess I need to keep the focus on my own program, huh?

So many folks talking about the anniversary of the WTC today...so tragic. I'm always sad when there are these kinds of tragedies and people ask why you let them happen. What they seem to forget is that you gave us free will and what we do with it is up to us. If we align it with your will, things go well but in the times of great tragedies it is the will of somebody who has chosen to ignore your will in favor of what their own will, certain to make for a mess, at least from my experience exercising my will, right?

Life in Atlanta goes on :). I'm finding it more challenging to feel motivated as of late. I have to remember to focus on my own program...trust you, clean house, help others...I believe my serenity goes up. I guess that's why I'm not feeling motivated and spiritually fit..I'm simply not doing enough for others and perhaps I need to do some heavy dusting...lol. I read this bit in the Grapevine, (Sept 2009/pg 49)

"I heard that I'd never drink if at any one time I could answer 4 questions:

1. Who's your sponsor?
2. What Step are you on?
3. Where's your home group?
4. Where's your service commitment?
   

Ooooohhhhh!!!!! looks like I found the chink in the armor - or rather you put the solution in front of me! If I only have a sponsor this is no bueno! So here's what I think you want me to do... I called Gigi and she set me to work on Step 10. I'm going to go to 3-4 meetings a week and find a home group, maybe Wed 7pm CMA? I always like that meeting and I'm going to get on board with next years HRU , the first meeting is the first Sunday in October. What do you think of that plan? I think it's sound and feels right. Let me know if you think otherwise, I'll do whatever you think, I trust your decision.

I'm going to wrap this up, but if you have a chance will you check in on Chandler? I think he's feeling maybe not so good. Oh and if ya know someone who needs a sponsor I'm available :)

Don't work too hard! Say hi to Jesus :)
Love you
M

tuesday 9/8

Dear G,
How are you today? Weather was beautiful here all weekend, thanks again! I'm stuck on ego still. Yesterday I was caught up on acceptance (self, worthiness) and today self esteem (more self different day...haha) I use to think that low self-esteem excluded me from the over-inflated club - but, I know now that whether I think  I'm better than everyone or less than everyone..I'm still thinking about ME!! What I'm learning is that if I think about others, do for others, help others...make it about others...my shit won't matter, right? As long as I trust you, clean house and help others my life can't help but get better.
I doubt I tell you this enough - but I trust you! That being said I honestly wonder how much trust I question every minute of every day, because if I truly trust you then I would know that because you love me I am important to you!!! Yet I still worry that you have so many more important things to take care of, things that really need your attention and that I should be able to deal with my tiny inconsequential problems and I don't want to trouble you! It's like I don't have faith that you can handle it ALL!! You the ultimate multi-tasker! Please believe that I am trying to expand my faith and trust.

As always,
M