Dear G, I was thinking again today about the moment. So often its difficult to stay right here in this second and not the next. reflection on the last and suposition about the next is how I've lived my whole life. Iknow that there is no peace in either. That only right here is where there is calm, it's so logical. Yet, I delve into the realms of what was and what could be at the loss of what is. I wonder why it is so difficult to relax comfortably where I am? Is it part of my chemical makeup? Or just folly? Do people who are not predisposed to escape through overuse fall prey to this exercize in futility? Do they spend precious seconds, minutes, weeks, years comtemplating yesterday and tomorrow? I can hear the word rising up...breathe...feel the breath in, out...it returns me to the moment.
Thanks for the love and compassion that I get everyday. Thanks for helping me remember to be grateful for the things I have and need. Thanks for helping my friends and family through the challenges that life deals. I hope those that need your help tonight can find the voice to ask for it. I hope that for right now the breath comes easier.
love for now
M

Wallpaper

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

sunday 10/11

Dear G,
Thank you for reminding me that I have stay vigilant against my addiction. I sometimes forgot that I'm not cured...it's times like that I let my guard down and in walks my disease, all bright and shiny. It's weird it doesn't walk in as the beat up gutter version that was with me at the end. In fact, it walks in as a version I don't usually recognize. Like grandiosity or intolerance...it strolls in and points out my entitlement or my stupidity. Usually if I have been hanging tight with you it doesn't begin to have a chance to find a way in...but I find that I have to stay in touch with you everyday to maintain. If not I get all fucked up in the head...the squirrels start racing around, I get crazy, act out, spend money or whatever...generally I behave in a way that I have to make amends for later on...Oi vay!

I want to take a moment to say something about Richard. Please give him all your love today, help him to find serenity. Help him to laugh at himself and to be a true friend to those around him. Protect him from his addiction and those that might harm him. Help him to find financial peace. Teach him how to love himself and understand that he is a beautiful man.
Thanks for loving me so much, help me to be a good sponsor to Eric. I'm trying to understand how I feel about Frank and hope you can give me some guidance on how to proceed.
Have a great day!
Love you
Monty

monday night 9/29

Dear G,
How was you day? Thanks for another day that was more smiles than frowns. I was thinking earlier tonight if there are things you remember that I don't? I guess you remember everything don't you? Sometimes I remember stuff that I'm not very proud of and other times some really funny things. I think it's all good..I mean it's stuff that got me here today. I figure that since I put all my trust into you that whatever reason you got me to today that it's a good enough reason for you then it sure as hell should be good enough for me. I don't think it's like just one thing you want me to do but rather a journey of things you want me to be a part of...and that journey isn't one I'm making alone but one that I'm making with others. Some I travel with for a while and others I just pass or cross paths with. I think too that some of these folks you want me to help and some of these people you want to help me. If I deny these people the help they are suppose to provide then it's possible that they may not learn something they are suppose to learn and I might also miss a lesson I'm suppose to understand! so there is a symbiotic nature to our being together.
I was thinking about the 2nd step "came to believe" and the idea of sanity...my sober life has not been a linear sort of movement...sanity-wise. Some days I feel pretty sane and other days less so. Its like I've learned that it is contingent on my spiritual program. I heard a guy say tonight that all his life he's been looking to fit in - from coast to coast..the swankiest to the grungiest and never felt like he belonged until he sat down in a plastic chair in a room lit with fluorescent lights with a bunch of people he didn't know and talked about a spiritual life. It makes perfect sense to me...lol.
That's all I got tonight. If you have time can you check in on Tom and Enrique..make sure they're ok? And Terri's little boy..he might have the flu. And Rudra's little girl Liam and her family. And if you could, would you mind watching out for my brother Jim?
Thanks for keeping me sane today and from using! Thanks too for loving me so much! Love to all the Angels!
xo
M

saturday 9/19

Dear G, 

I guess you might be wondering what's up with the doors huh? They're symbolic of  a new way of thinking for me, a new way of doing and a new way to for me to get closer to you. Thanks for giving me the chance to express my feelings through these words and images. None of the images are pictures I've taken (yet) and I believe that the original artists would allow me to use them for my growth and expression of faith. Thank you too for the chance to help Rob with his move today. I feel good knowing that I can commit to helping someone and then follow through. I was always more interested in meeting my own needs... its such a change from the way I use to be. I'm trying to improve some of my others behaviors too so that I can be more loving toward my friends and and to give them the support they want from me. I really want to be able to be the kind of friend that people can count on when they need a friend to be there for them.
I talked to Frank today and it sounds like he is having such a great time in Palm Springs. I like this man and I know you know I have some fear about how to pursue a relationship. I trust you and I am trying hard to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what might be or trying to figure out what he may want from our friendship or if he wants something more than something casual. I'm giving it over to you...and yes I know that I take it back and then give it back to you again!! :) I'm trying though... thank you for being patient with me and helping me learn that you know what's best. I just want to be me, not some made-up guy that I think others might like.

I bought a new composition book today to record thought and stuff that come to me. I might write to you in there too but will continue to record as much as I can here. I don't why I am or what purpose you may have for me recording them here too...it just feels like something you want me to do and so I continue.

Thanks for loving me so much!

Give my love to my dad, I wonder if he keeps an eye on me? I think he does. Its weird huh that he came to be with you when he was just a little older than me...seems like so long ago. I dunno why I was just thinking about that?

Well I'm off for now. Have a good night :@) Oh, will you keep an eye on T and E tonight? I hope they're safe.

Love

M

9/18 friday

Dear G,
How are you today? It's been a great day for me even with life and it's challenges being there. It's funny how sometimes life presents so many opportunities for anxiety, like today and most of it didn't get me to worked up! Thanks for helping me get things more on track lately...going to more meeting, writing to you everyday, staying closer to my  sponsor and sponsee have really made the difference. Thanks for helping me understand more about the concept of letting go! Life is so much easier letting you deal with some of this crap...at least you know what to do with it, right?! :)
I was reading about feeling vs doing and the whole notion of, what I'm feeling isn't what I'm doing! The idea that I might be feeling shitty but going to a meeting. The going to a meeting part is not shitty, it's good. The feeling going into the meeting might still be shitty...might even be shitty coming out, who knows. So the feeling doesn't have to affect what I'm doing. Conversely what I'm doing can affect what it is I'm feeling...if I'm doing all crappy things it won't take long before I actually feel like crap too!
The transition spiritually for me has happened without me even trying (consciously anyway). My attitude about spirituality, my understanding of you and the relationship between you and I has been so remarkably subtle and yet the outcome has been so significant. It's hard for me at this point to explain it to someone else but I know you get it!
Thanks for helping me "get it", for showing me the way that worked for me. Thanks for loving me that much!

Love
M

Come in

love 9/12