Dear G, I was thinking again today about the moment. So often its difficult to stay right here in this second and not the next. reflection on the last and suposition about the next is how I've lived my whole life. Iknow that there is no peace in either. That only right here is where there is calm, it's so logical. Yet, I delve into the realms of what was and what could be at the loss of what is. I wonder why it is so difficult to relax comfortably where I am? Is it part of my chemical makeup? Or just folly? Do people who are not predisposed to escape through overuse fall prey to this exercize in futility? Do they spend precious seconds, minutes, weeks, years comtemplating yesterday and tomorrow? I can hear the word rising up...breathe...feel the breath in, out...it returns me to the moment.
Thanks for the love and compassion that I get everyday. Thanks for helping me remember to be grateful for the things I have and need. Thanks for helping my friends and family through the challenges that life deals. I hope those that need your help tonight can find the voice to ask for it. I hope that for right now the breath comes easier.
love for now
M

financial insecurities 10/12/11

I'm thinking alot about fear today. Trying to figure out the role it has played to get me here today. You told me that fear lives in tomorrow and regret lives in yesterday and I need to live in today, beause in today there is no room for fear or regret. I get that!! But I'm wondering what can  I learn about the role of fear in my life before today. Were my decisons guided by fear? Did I decide to do one thing for fear of another? Or did my fear of either minimize my real choices until the choice was more or less made for. By that I mean if I had several choices and procrastinated did the option for choices dwindle until there was but one available? I still do that. My fear of what might happen paralyzes me from making anything happen until my lack of action forces something to happen. Obviously I make some choices but you know what I mean, right? Like financial decisions. I ignore the reponsibilities afraid of taking action that I fear will be too difficult until a late fee comes do or a collection agency calls or I lose something. Would you help me to overcome this behavior? I'm willing to take your suggestion and trust that you can get me through. I believe that you will guide me to make the right decision as long as I take action. If you have any other direction I hope you'll let me know...

Please help my sister/friend Kris with the things she needs from you. Protect her on this journey. Please send extra love to her mother who has her own suffering and help her find the peace you give me especially when I least expect it. Thanks for letting me spend this time with mom. Oh, and if ya have the time can you look in on my friend Jason who's trying to find the focus to move from NYC to Asheville, it's gotta be challenging and scary to leave a home that you've held for so many years, even when you know it's a good thing. Also check in on his sister Mary Celeste who I don't know but you do. Thanks so much for your help with all this. Hope this letter finds you well! I'll be in touch soon.

Love, M

12/10 Thursday

Dear G,
I've been dealing with family issues over the last month and it seems I haven't found anytime to write...I've missed that! I'm grateful that some how through all this I've stayed clean! Thank you for the opportunity to learn what I've had the chance to learn. Since my mom was in the accident back in October..is it that long ago??...I've been through alot of growth. I was real happy for her when she got to go back home in November...but then she got bad again and that's when it got tough. It was hard for me to find out that my own brother had been stealing from her while she was in the hospital the second time! And then I understood what you wanted me to learn! I'm not sure when it happened..but during one of my visits to her I realized that he was not any different from me when I was using. I did some things I was pretty ashamed for, lying, manipulating it wasn't so much different then his stealing. Sure, I may have "asked" her for money..but I know  that the reasons I was asking for money were all lies..not much different really..except maybe I was more clever than he is now...ya sure!!! I'm grateful that I've finally got to apologize for all the deception, grateful too that I have been given the chance to make right so many of my wrongs. I'm grateful too that I get the chance to carry the message to my brother.
He's sick ya know and it must be almost impossible for him to hear me...through all the shame, guilt and resentment. I would have had the same problem hearing!! I know you know how long of a drive it is to visit her. I have alot of time during those drives...thank you for helping me to stay focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and the reason for my trips. I guess I've grown up over the last 3 years. I don't resent having to drive 500 miles even if it's only for the day! I'm lucky I hav a car that gets me there and back. And, itunes! Lol...what would I do without the music or more importantly the hours of speakers I get to hear!!! Ya know what is the funniest thing? Managing mom's money! I mean, was that your idea of a joke or what? Somehow I've done it though. Paid her bills, called the mortgage company, utilities, bank...just like an adult! Haha!
She's coming home this weekend to her house. I'm picking her up from the physical rehab center on Saturday morning and taking her home...she seems happy to know that I'm driving down to get her. I have some fear about whether my brother will help her during the week..but I'll go back down for Christmas weekend. All I know is that I have no control over what happens...that's all up to you! I do know that at any given second I can be the son I'm suppose to be. At any second I can be the brother I'm suppose to be. And I know that I don't have to use or drink to get through it.
If you can, will you send my brother some extra love. If it's your will could you please help him to hear. Please also watch over my friends and the folks I work with over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are harder for some than others. Say hi to the angels and Jesus.
love M

friday 10/09

sometimes I just need to be reminded...

 that anything can happen!

friday 9/25

Good morning and WOW! Thank you for the message this morning! I was feeling so overwhelmed financially, I hate living paycheck to paycheck cuz I feel so out of control...that any little thing can turn everything upside down. My world is so unmanageable..Hmmm??? I thought I was making some progress a few weeks ago, but then Roundup happened and I threw myself into a financial hole! I really could not afford the hotel and the extra expenses involved with that :( !! Then I had to have my car fixed which there was no money for either. Today after I paid rent there was like nothing left... I was sitting here wondering how am I going to pay for gas and my car insurance and pay phone and food..and I was starting to feel real bad...real bad!
I came to my room and I was reading my 24hr book and got your message. I realized, then and there, that I had a spiritual experience! I found that regardless of the anxiety I had felt moments before that I was ok...that I could find peace in your arms. I continue to gradually understand just how much you love me. I understand that I can find peace in this mess...with you!
I'm grateful that you comfort me and watch out for me even when I'm not conscious that you're around. I'm grateful that you love me unconditionally, expecting nothing in return...though I love you with all my heart.
I know that I don't have to lie or cheat or steal anymore to have my needs taken care of, that somehow you'll figure it out. All I have to do is trust you. I'm very grateful that I can hear you so clearly today!
Thanks for lifting me up today!
x
M