coincidence is not destiny 10/2/11

How are you? I need you feedback on something. A friend of mine has started using again. I know you know who but I feel so helpless and wish I could do something. I know the first thing to do is be vigilant with my own sobriety. It's a precious gift and I keep that in the front of my mind. The similarities between where he is and where I am are so close though. He would have celebrated 6 yrs had he not given up. You know he took care of his Gran and she lived with him..like mom and I! I know, I know...coincidence...but it scares me. Perhaps where we differ is not so obvious, I sometimes think he felt kinda sorry for himself because so many of his friends in Atlanta left him out when he was lonely or needing help. I'm so removed living in another state that I don't see the potential for resentment...I mean I wouldn't expect my friends to drive 6 hours to help me. Another thing is that I'ved moved around enough to know that people don't mean to let ya down but we're all human and people just kinda get wrapped up in their own lives and sometimes the lines of communication just wear out or become less frequent. Real friends are always there and while they might want to help sometimes just don't have the right skills to be of service...doesn't mean they don't care. I guess the bottom line is the idea of expectations and resentments...they go hand in hand.

Well I gotta turn in, I have to get up super early to work. Love ya so much, and if ya think of something else let me know. Thanks for being you!

Love,
M

Gratitude 11/18

I can't believe how long it has been since I wrote you a letter! It seems like forever though it's barely a week. Thanks for taking care of mom this week. It's been an unusal week for me and yet through the whole thing I kept reminding myself that I had faith that whatever happened you were in charge and somehow I put my trust in you, that mom would be ok, my brothers would be ok and I would be ok. I know that mom has had a good life. Not without some sadness or hardship but yet so much laughter and love and joy that the comparison wouldn't even be worth the time. Thank you for providing so many happy years mom enjoyed with my dad. Thank you for letting me be with her and talk to her so often. If it's your will I would like to be able to spend more time with her while she around. I don't know how long that might be and while I don't like to think about not having her around I know that when the minutes have been used, and any of us have been able to give as much as you need us to give...well, then our time here is over. I hope that when mom's time comes that I can celebrate her life and grieve my loss appropriately. I hope that I remember that my thoughts ought to be happy not selfish. Please don't let her suffer and let her find calm and grace with you.
I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I have some fears about being alone...help me remember that I am never alone because I have your love. Help me be a good brother to Jim and John and help us to find strength and consolation with each other.
Thank you for helping me find laughter today, help me remember that this is not my world but yours. That I can find the most happiness by making this a better place to live for others and thus a better place for myself.
I love you and I'm grateful that I have the comforts I do when so many others have less than me. Please protect my brothers as they face their own fears. Help those around me to find some comfort in whatever form they need. Please be with Gigi and Amanda, Eric, Warren, Chandler, Richard, Phillip, Max and all my friends as they face the challenges that they walk through each day...I doubt I'd be the man I am today with your and their support and love. Help the addict who struggles without a solution.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels..
xx
Monty

wednesday 11/11/09

Dear G,
Thank you for helping me understand that I have been selfish. Until Eric pointed out that the easiest way to finish step 4 was to go back to step 3 I truly believe I would have been stuck...well at least until the pain got to great...right? But that act of looking at my willingness, to acknowledge my self-centered fear and realizing that all I had to do was put my trust in you...has made such a difference. You know since my computer has been out of commission for the last week (?) the exercise in going back to hand written letters has been eye openning. I had to slow down and really commit to what I was writing..there was no opportunity for editting except to cross out the "mistakes" and re-write. But with this medium there is always the chance...whenever...to go back and change things. I wonder how many people who write electronically do just that...go back and re-write until they sound "smarter" or whatever?? Kinda funy to think about actually!
Anyway I just wanted to say hi! If you could would you please watch out for my mom, my brothers; Jim and John and my housemates Warren and Chandler. I love them all and want the best for them..whatever that best is! I love you.
Monty

thursday 10/29

Dear G,
Thank you for keeping me clean today! I wonder if on days like today it's harder for you too! I think mostly it's just me trying to run the show, huh? I noticed that lately my life has tended to be less satisfying and serene. I noticed too that I have been less connected to you and that I've been isolating more. I noticed too that I have been going to less meetings. I suppose you noticed these things long before I did and was wondering when I might notice too??? Do you sit there sometimes and wonder how can I tolerate the discomfort? Cuz it's not like I'm bullheaded...no...it's like I'm sitting here waiting for it to change without changing anyhing. Funny right? It's like the only way that I can change the way I feel is to change the way I feel. I know you know what I mean. Like, if I don't want to feel this way...lonely, anxious even a little crazy then I need to make some changes, I have to take action. Do something to improve my self esteem, my attitude about my recovery, my focus on self. Nothing happens unless I participate in the change. I know that you love me. I trust you. And I believe that what you want me to do is particpate...ACTIVELY...in my recovery...in my life.
It amazes me almost every time how you come into these letters. How you answer me so clearly when I listen. I love you.
Thank you for taking care of mom and for helping her with her recovery. Thank you for my brothers, John and Jim, help them as they work together to get her home, it can't be easy for them to be so close. Thank you for bring Eric into my life and the million ways he has helped me grow, for the love he sends my way and the sobriety he lives. Help him to learn the things you want him to learn. Please be with Richard as he moves through life and help him strengthen his relationship with you. Please watch out for Sheila, from the Dr's office and her mom and her cousin Sherry.
Thank you for being with me again as I continue the path you have offered me. If you could help me with one other thing I would like to get that job at Bestbuy so I can make some extra money.
Say hi to Jesus and the angels!
XX
Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

tuesday 9/29

Dear G,

Thanks for a good day...for getting to see and hear my friends today and tonight. I was talking to someone today and I was struck with the fact that my friend was laughing about something and that I had not just made a joke. I noticed that he had been reading a text (and perhaps not listening to what I was saying???) and I asked what was funny. He then shared some gossip about 2 friends of his. I was bothered by a couple of things but after a minute I realized that I was most bothered by the fact that I was guilty of the same type of behavior (the gossip). Lately I've noticed that I'm more tuned into inappropriate behaviors that I exhibit myself! I wonder do you put these behaviors in front of me so that I might be more conscious of my own character defects? I suspect that is the case. Tonight I didn't judge my friend...well alright I did momentarily...progress not perfection, right?...but what was remarkable was that I practiced restraint (it's true!!) and thought, instead, about why I was uneasy with his behavior. Teeny, tiny baby steps some days...right?

I was talking earlier today with Frank and he told me the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance. I've been deconstructing fancied self-sufficiency... fancied could mean preferred or fictitious (preferred might be ok but fictitious...hmmmm) and self-sufficient leads to arrogant, closed, conceited, doing one's own thing, egotistic, haughty, independent, individual, on one's own, out for number one, self-confident, self-dependent, self-sufficing, self-supported, self-supporting, self-sustained, self-sustaining, smug....ewwwww....so no bueno! My conclusion on this 'roadblock'..not good...I see the word SELF and that means to me that I've taken you out. And, whenever I've done that in the past I have ended up in a not so good place. The truth is I can't do any of this alone. Nothing! Without you and my family and my friends I'm fucked up! I guess I'll spend some time on indifference and prejudice and defiance later...I'm going to hit the sack...

Thanks for loving me so much...and for the lessons I got to learn today!

love you

M

thursday 9/10

Dear G,
How are things with you today? Thanks for giving the insights on selfishness this morning...ya know when I made that fudge last night I was just thinking mmmm something sweet! And this morning when I slpit it into thirds I was just thiking I was going to get my fair share!! Just like when I was using, I never wanted to share my stash...but I sure wanted my share of someone else's...old habits take a long time to change.
HEY! let me ask ya this...when I asked for some clarification yesterday about dating...remember? And then I get this call from Frank today (that good looking guy I met at the "So ya think you can dance" fundraiser)! Here's the funny part...when I saw the call from him I just called him right back and we had this real comfortable casual conversation. And then, afterward, I listened to his voice mail about wanting to flirt and put the moves on...right? Somehow I think if I had listen to that voice mail first the tenor of the conversation might have been different, forced not real. Not much of a coincidence huh? Here's what I think you want me to do...trust you! :) Refocus on cleaning house, helping others, don't get high and go to meetings!
Help me so I don't over analyze what you say to me or how you say it! And, help me to remember to keep it simple...right? :)

Love
M