12/10 Thursday

Dear G,
I've been dealing with family issues over the last month and it seems I haven't found anytime to write...I've missed that! I'm grateful that some how through all this I've stayed clean! Thank you for the opportunity to learn what I've had the chance to learn. Since my mom was in the accident back in October..is it that long ago??...I've been through alot of growth. I was real happy for her when she got to go back home in November...but then she got bad again and that's when it got tough. It was hard for me to find out that my own brother had been stealing from her while she was in the hospital the second time! And then I understood what you wanted me to learn! I'm not sure when it happened..but during one of my visits to her I realized that he was not any different from me when I was using. I did some things I was pretty ashamed for, lying, manipulating it wasn't so much different then his stealing. Sure, I may have "asked" her for money..but I know  that the reasons I was asking for money were all lies..not much different really..except maybe I was more clever than he is now...ya sure!!! I'm grateful that I've finally got to apologize for all the deception, grateful too that I have been given the chance to make right so many of my wrongs. I'm grateful too that I get the chance to carry the message to my brother.
He's sick ya know and it must be almost impossible for him to hear me...through all the shame, guilt and resentment. I would have had the same problem hearing!! I know you know how long of a drive it is to visit her. I have alot of time during those drives...thank you for helping me to stay focused on what I'm doing, where I'm going and the reason for my trips. I guess I've grown up over the last 3 years. I don't resent having to drive 500 miles even if it's only for the day! I'm lucky I hav a car that gets me there and back. And, itunes! Lol...what would I do without the music or more importantly the hours of speakers I get to hear!!! Ya know what is the funniest thing? Managing mom's money! I mean, was that your idea of a joke or what? Somehow I've done it though. Paid her bills, called the mortgage company, utilities, bank...just like an adult! Haha!
She's coming home this weekend to her house. I'm picking her up from the physical rehab center on Saturday morning and taking her home...she seems happy to know that I'm driving down to get her. I have some fear about whether my brother will help her during the week..but I'll go back down for Christmas weekend. All I know is that I have no control over what happens...that's all up to you! I do know that at any given second I can be the son I'm suppose to be. At any second I can be the brother I'm suppose to be. And I know that I don't have to use or drink to get through it.
If you can, will you send my brother some extra love. If it's your will could you please help him to hear. Please also watch over my friends and the folks I work with over the next couple of weeks. The holidays are harder for some than others. Say hi to the angels and Jesus.
love M

wednesday 11/11/09

Dear G,
Thank you for helping me understand that I have been selfish. Until Eric pointed out that the easiest way to finish step 4 was to go back to step 3 I truly believe I would have been stuck...well at least until the pain got to great...right? But that act of looking at my willingness, to acknowledge my self-centered fear and realizing that all I had to do was put my trust in you...has made such a difference. You know since my computer has been out of commission for the last week (?) the exercise in going back to hand written letters has been eye openning. I had to slow down and really commit to what I was writing..there was no opportunity for editting except to cross out the "mistakes" and re-write. But with this medium there is always the chance...whenever...to go back and change things. I wonder how many people who write electronically do just that...go back and re-write until they sound "smarter" or whatever?? Kinda funy to think about actually!
Anyway I just wanted to say hi! If you could would you please watch out for my mom, my brothers; Jim and John and my housemates Warren and Chandler. I love them all and want the best for them..whatever that best is! I love you.
Monty

thursday 10/22

Dear G,
Hey how are you? My computer has been broken for the last week and for whatever reason I have not picked up a pen and paper instead. The result??? Crazy. That's crazy with a period not an exclamation point cuz I'm not quite certifiable. Anyway thanks for being there with me everyday since last Wednesday. Thank you for being with my  mom (she's crazy right?) and helping my brother to be responsible.
Ya know I was talking to my mom tonight and she was trying to convince me (again) that ADHD is not a real disorder. That if I would just learn to pay attention and take charge of my life that I wouldn't have so many problems. Really! She was saying that ADHD is something doctors made up. Apply yourself she said. Try harder! My whole life I've heard that...small wonder that I "used" so much I guess. But ya know I love my mom and I don't think she means to drive me crazy. Yet she does, and today when I spoke to her I felt like that kid again, the one that was always trying to make my folks happy, and my teachers happy and all the time messing up. I was feeling not good enough again. And I was anxious, unhappy. For an hour I was loco...and I couldn't stop thinking I was worthless. Ya know what I did...right? I started calling other addicts cuz I knew it was crazy thinking. After I talked to a couple folks (for the newcomer out there: ya gotta get people not voice mails...cuz voice mails can't tell ya your crazy) I felt saner, less nutty. And I remembered I hadn't written to you today which of course I did...duh! Instantly I felt calm, no anxiety and I remembered this...that you love me! That I am a good man, and I'm smart. And I trust that whatever I need you will help me achieve. I remembered, too, that I can achieve it as long as I do your will and stay outa yesterday and tomorrow!
I love you.
Thanks
M

wednesday 10/14

Dear G,
Thank you for putting my brother at mom's when she needed him. I'm grateful that you allow me to learn lesson's at my pace...which is of course you're will, right? These last couple of days were full of growth, though as ya know I didn't catch what you were doing right away! When John called and said mom was in the hospital I was so afraid. I think it was alot about being alone, pretty selfish I guess. And then I got all freaked out cuz I started thinking Jim might steal mom's things and pawn them. Somehow I forgot what was really important, my mom. I've learned enough from going through the steps, working with my sponsee and listening to you through others that I realized how lucky I was that Jim was even in town. It was through your grace that I got it! I'm not certain what might have happened if mom had been alone at home, right? But then that wasn't your will, was it? So Jim was in town and he took her to the hospital and the medical people get to do what they do. The bottom line is when I start trying to figure out what the best outcome is and what it is that I want it doesn't turn out so well, huh? I know someday mom will die, that's nature, that's what happens to everyone. But that's not today. And you want me living in the moment. Thank you for the opportunity to learn this.
Please help Richard (thought I'd forget about him huh?) to find serenity. Help him to realize financial peace. Give him the chance to experience romantic love. Help him to know you're love and grace. Please watch over Jim and John while they take care of mom. Please help all those newcomers who are struggling to put together 24 hours, and be with those with more than 24 hours to be of service to the best of their ability.
Thank you for giving me the gift of another day and for the chance to smile at myself.
Love you,
Monty

wednesday 10/07

Dear G, Thanks for the tools that you've given me sometimes I don't pick the right one or sometimes I don't pick up any but thank you for the opportunity to have them! I've been trying harder to remember to pick up any tool and since I started writing to you it seems to be getting easier!

I was thinking about the 3rd step today...it is definitely in front of my face all the time. I remember how hard everything was before. I could never figure anything out...I kept thinking if I could only catch a break I could get ahead. It was all so confusing and it seemed easier to just keep to myself rather than try to keep everyone else happy. My jobs kept getting less demanding, less responsibility, shorter hours and less money. The stress was too much and  the pay never enough for the responsibility expected. I just couldn't figure out why everyone wanted so much from me!!! I kept thinking I was trying so hard and I just couldn't get it. But when I was high or drunk it didn't matter. Everything seemed so calm. No one bothered me when I was alone and high. And I could putter away at anything I wanted. When I fell far enough behind I would call my mom and explain I just needed a few bucks to catch up couldn't she help out? And she did. Maybe she didn't know what else to do..I don't know...but that was my life. That was where my will got me. It got me lost and confused with no where to go and no place to stay.

When I got sober this last time I knew what I might receive. If I would do what was your will, if I would do service, and the steps, and get a sponsor and a sponsee that I might be okay. But this time something else has happened. I've done all those things and my life has gotten better. But...  I started asking questions because I still felt confused. And you gave me a chance to find something else out...that I had a learning disability. Well shit, doesn't that explain the rest! So I'm taking action, right? For the last two years I've slowly started to get some clarity. You've given me a chance to listen to what you say and take action based on that. Taking medicine to help my brain understand. I understand that I don't have it right...yet!  Sometimes, like now, I still get confused for a minute or two and wonder if I'm making sense, but I know you understand me. I know you love me. And I trust you.

Thanks for helping Phillip find a job! He never lost faith in you even when he almost lost his house. Thank you for letting me offer Brandon my experience. I'm grateful I could be there for him today and please comfort his friend. Please help the struggling addict find their way.

Thank you for helping me know your will!

Monty

tuesday 10/6

Dear G,
Thanks for such a rich day...lol...ok so it was kinda tough. But at the end of it I am pretty grateful for having the chance to learn something about myself and to let go of some anger...better even that I recognized it as anger. Specifically that I was angry because someone was not playing by my rules. Even now it makes me smile.

It's hard sometime growing up in my 50's, trying to put right and wrong into perspective. Trying to behave like an adult instead of a child. Making the right next move instead of pouting because I didn't get my way. I wonder why I wanted to wait so long? I wanted to ask why you let me wait so long, but I know that it was my decision, right? And I still have more choices...one of which is the choice to use again. Perhaps not a great choice but a choice nonetheless. I have the choice every day to wake up and be grateful for the things in my life; my family, my sobriety, my friends. I have the choice to help someone else or myself, the choice to embrace faith or fear, the choice to accept things as they are or wrestle to impose my will. You've given me lots of room for choice and the free will to exercise that choice! You given me lots of love when I didn't know you were there...when I was real lost and given up on you. That's very cool and though I wish I could show you all my appreciation now, I know, you're offering me as much time as I need...hopefully the rest of my life.

I guess you know that I've been struggling with what you want me to do to be of service. I don't think you want me to manage a tanning salon, though I do believe that you wanted me here for a reason...other than this awesome tan! :) So I'm wondering if you might be able to give me some clarity, some understanding as to what you might like me to do next? If someone asked me? I guess I would tell them to do the first right thing and the next right thing will come...

Thanks for the wonderful visit I had with Frank! He's a great guy! If it's your will :)
Thanks for helping Amanda over the last couple of days I'm sure it would have been super hard without you! If you could please help Boston Tommy I'm sure he needs you.
And if you could look in on my brother Jim that would be great!

Thanks for all the love today...and the chance to laugh! My love to my Dad too!
M

tuesday 9/29

Dear G,

Thanks for a good day...for getting to see and hear my friends today and tonight. I was talking to someone today and I was struck with the fact that my friend was laughing about something and that I had not just made a joke. I noticed that he had been reading a text (and perhaps not listening to what I was saying???) and I asked what was funny. He then shared some gossip about 2 friends of his. I was bothered by a couple of things but after a minute I realized that I was most bothered by the fact that I was guilty of the same type of behavior (the gossip). Lately I've noticed that I'm more tuned into inappropriate behaviors that I exhibit myself! I wonder do you put these behaviors in front of me so that I might be more conscious of my own character defects? I suspect that is the case. Tonight I didn't judge my friend...well alright I did momentarily...progress not perfection, right?...but what was remarkable was that I practiced restraint (it's true!!) and thought, instead, about why I was uneasy with his behavior. Teeny, tiny baby steps some days...right?

I was talking earlier today with Frank and he told me the roadblocks to Faith...indifference, fancied self-sufficiency, prejudice and defiance. I've been deconstructing fancied self-sufficiency... fancied could mean preferred or fictitious (preferred might be ok but fictitious...hmmmm) and self-sufficient leads to arrogant, closed, conceited, doing one's own thing, egotistic, haughty, independent, individual, on one's own, out for number one, self-confident, self-dependent, self-sufficing, self-supported, self-supporting, self-sustained, self-sustaining, smug....ewwwww....so no bueno! My conclusion on this 'roadblock'..not good...I see the word SELF and that means to me that I've taken you out. And, whenever I've done that in the past I have ended up in a not so good place. The truth is I can't do any of this alone. Nothing! Without you and my family and my friends I'm fucked up! I guess I'll spend some time on indifference and prejudice and defiance later...I'm going to hit the sack...

Thanks for loving me so much...and for the lessons I got to learn today!

love you

M

sunday night 9/27

I'm procrastinating and thought it was better if I took some time to say hi to you then use my time doing something that wasn't as fruitful. Thanks for a great day! I'm glad I got to teach today and grateful that I could share what I know with someone else. Thanks too for the chance to catch up with Terri and Eric...I'm lucky that I get to have them in my life. If you get a chance will you check in on Terri's little boy who has the flu? And also if you could check in on that little girl that Rudra helps...I know she is real sick and might be leaving here so I pray that her family gets a chance to share their love with her before she dies!

Gigi has me working a 4th step on my financial insecurities..the aformentioned procrastination...right? I don't feel like I'm afraid to look at it, but why else am I dragging my butt? There are only like 18 questions and I've written them all down, so now it is just working through them...one at a time like everything else I guess! BTW don't think I'm not smart enough to know that you're giving me the opportunity to learn financial responsibility! It's like when I use to ask you to give me patience so you would put me in a traffic jam...funny! So I realized that I put a note in my god box for help...hang on I gotta go look....oh yeah..."financial irresponsibility" ...lol! I have got to find a better way to give this stuff to you ....
Thank you for loving me so much and for taking the time to guide me. I still have fear but not as much these days. All I have to do is stay in the moment, here with you there is nothing to fear. Fear is in the future, resentment is in the past - two places I have no business hanging out in! No fun!
Thanks forgiving me something to laugh about today...please help others to laugh more too!!! It feels so fucking good...right?

Love you,

M

ps - how come you have so many names? is it just to make it easier for everyone to connect with you the way they need to? just curious..   :)

9/18 friday

Dear G,
How are you today? It's been a great day for me even with life and it's challenges being there. It's funny how sometimes life presents so many opportunities for anxiety, like today and most of it didn't get me to worked up! Thanks for helping me get things more on track lately...going to more meeting, writing to you everyday, staying closer to my  sponsor and sponsee have really made the difference. Thanks for helping me understand more about the concept of letting go! Life is so much easier letting you deal with some of this crap...at least you know what to do with it, right?! :)
I was reading about feeling vs doing and the whole notion of, what I'm feeling isn't what I'm doing! The idea that I might be feeling shitty but going to a meeting. The going to a meeting part is not shitty, it's good. The feeling going into the meeting might still be shitty...might even be shitty coming out, who knows. So the feeling doesn't have to affect what I'm doing. Conversely what I'm doing can affect what it is I'm feeling...if I'm doing all crappy things it won't take long before I actually feel like crap too!
The transition spiritually for me has happened without me even trying (consciously anyway). My attitude about spirituality, my understanding of you and the relationship between you and I has been so remarkably subtle and yet the outcome has been so significant. It's hard for me at this point to explain it to someone else but I know you get it!
Thanks for helping me "get it", for showing me the way that worked for me. Thanks for loving me that much!

Love
M

wednesday 9/16

Dear G,
Thanks again for letting me be of service last night taking those guys to a meeting. I was hoping T would want to come again tonight but that wasn't how it played out. It's in your hands. Please keep them in your grace and let me be of service however i can.
I was a little clouded today...kinda like the weather :) Overcast, drizzly and the a downpour...well actually I was just overcast. I feel so close to you these days though today I felt a little less so... perhaps I was trying to get my will in there somehow...I wasn't feeling discontent, jealous, resentful...just not as connected today.
That I trust in you and believe you love me has made the greatest change for me - I feel so free. I feel like I can let go of things easier. Its like I finally get the 3rd step...lol!
There is one thing that I'm struggling with letting go of...my fears regarding going back to teaching. I know it is what you want me to do...it's what I want to do too! I've been using the excuse that I haven't had the money to pay for my application and the exams that I need to take to complete my file for the state. We both know that theses are just excuses...so I wonder what fear is holding me back? If you could I could use some clarity.
I got a scholarship to go to Cloudland Canyon this year!!! I'm really grateful that I'm going to be able to go and I was also asked to help plan the meals...well the desserts and snacks actually - my forte, right? LOL. Thanks for the chance to do some service! And the opportunity to go on this retreat!
Well tha'ts all for now, hope all is well and my love to Jesus!
xox
Monty

hump day 9/9

Dear G,
Hey!! How are you today?? Before I get to far into this letter let me start by saying thank you! Thanks for helping me stay clean today :) I really have so many things to say thank you for and I rarely tell you homw grateful I am - I'm going to make a better effort going forward! Seriously!
I'm still focused on service. I think to be of service to you I need to be of service to my community, that is the recovery community. I need to be of service to my people, my gay family. I need to be of service locally to those who need education and to be of service to the greater good - to do my civic duty! I beleive that if someone needs my help and I help them then I am living the life you want me to live! If I am even a small example of how to live life on life's terms and make this place a better place than I am certain to feel good or at the very least better than doing nothing except serving my own needs...whew!!!
I need your help with something. I'm very confused about whether you want me to find a romantic relationship? I don't know if you're trying to guide me toward one or what. I trust you but I wonder what do you think? Let me know ok? I'm good either way...I just need some clarification.
I'm laying in bed and pretty tired so I'm going to turn in. Hope you have a good one. I'll write you tomorrow!

xo
M